Have you ever been looking for a place to go that’s loud, dimly lit, and constantly has you afraid you’ll be crashing into small children at 20 mph? Well, look no further my friend, and come on down to every rollerblade rink ever! Where the pizza costs 5$ a slice, and the walls are covered in stains and children’s carpeting!

Here at every rollerblade rink we pride ourselves on our ability to never clean a shoe, leaving it always as gross as the last person who used them, or anyone in the past who has given those stink puppies a whirl! To get in on that action, just head up to the counter and ask our disinterested, completely teenage staff to grab you a pair, while we hide your shoes somewhere secret. Remember to speak up, as there will be crying children all around the front desk. Some who have already fallen down, seconds after receiving the shoes, and others having their parents cram their feet into our non-foot shape skates. 

Then you’re off! It’s encouraged that the more experienced skaters stick to the outermost part of the rink, so there’s constantly someone whizzing by the entrances and exits to the rink, making a collision nearly unavoidable!  Your child will immediately be hit by a long haired rebel without a cause, she’ll never make it to the place she needs to be. Feel free to begin skating in circles, bopping your head to today’s hottest hits (from five to ten years ago), and that’s not all, there’s much more to do here than skate in circles. In case you found yourself enjoying just strolling around in a circle at your own pace, we decided we need to constantly interrupt that. Every six or so minutes we will turn on all the lights, and just blast the chicken dance song throughout the the whole establishment. It’s at that point that you must stop skating, start flapping those wings, and do the chicken dance! How fun!

Perhaps skating just isn’t your thing? Don’t worry pal, we’re much more than just a place to roll in circles. If you take a look at our delightful cuisine, you’re sure to find something you like. Try our burnt pizza, a pretzel as hard as a rock, or maybe some nachos with cheese so processed it’s an undefinable shade of yellow! Unfortunately our hot dog machine isn’t working, and we have no plans on fixing it any time soon, so just get that out of your mind. After you’ve ordered, enjoy squeezing your butts into booths so small they hold world records. Also try to enjoy the stains and leftovers of the last person who sat there, as we won’t be cleaning that up anytime soon.

Finally, stop by our little arcade, where games work half as well, but cost twice as much to play! Do try your best to cover your daughter’s ears, as there will be teenagers yelling out phallic profanities, while smashing their air hockey puck all over the place. Try your best to avoid eye contact as well, as they can sense fear.

So come on down, have a blast! Our doors are always open!