It took me a while to get around to seeing M. Night Shyamalan’s “new” film “Old,” partially because I was busy and partially because I was afraid of what I might see.

Akin to the majority of its viewers, my hopes rose after the trailers. The premise was good, like many of Shyamalan’s other films, but I was afraid I’d be disappointed yet again — I’ll never forget about his infamous adaptation of “The Last Airbender.”

But a year after “Old” was released to the public, I can now finally justify my fear for not wanting to watch it. With an awkward family dynamic, and terrible dialogue, I died watching it — like many of
the characters in the film. It was rated 50% on Rotten Tomatoes, and rightfully so.

The film is about a vacationing family who visits a secluded beach accompanied by a couple of other physiologically or psychologically impaired strangers. The characters come to find that the beach causes them to age at a rapid rate, every half-hour equaling roughly one year of life, and they attempt to escape before their time runs out. That sounds interesting. But while time may have flown by for them, for me and my family, that 1 hour and 48 minutes couldn’t have been any longer.

The dialogue was horrid. One-liners like “My wife has epilepsy. My name is Jared,” and “I don’t like this dynamic at all,” felt more forced than Amy Schumer’s standup comedy. Shyamalan should’ve taken some inspiration from John Krasinski’s “A Quiet Place.” Maybe then I could enjoy the beautiful cinematography without interruption from a pregnant five- year-old uttering “It’s okay, I just got a little fat.”

Let’s be honest — the movie was a mess. The plot was insufficient; not much happened other than the majority of the characters dying, which is typical for slasher films, but should not be the focus for a psychological thriller. The ending was predictable and the writing made me want to bleach out my eyes in a “Bird Box” sort of way. Members of the family have varying accents, which makes the dynamic feel artificial and forced. The other characters are bizarre as well, including but not limited to: an antisocial, nose-bleeding rap star, a body dysmorphic hustler suffering from osteoporosis, and a schizophrenic surgeon with a lust for blood. And like he did in his film “Split” back in 2016, Shyamalan once again inaccurately portrays misunderstood mental disorders.

But the worst part... It wasn’t scary.

I usually enjoy horror movies like the “SAW” franchise, “Cabin in the Woods,” or Damien Leone’s
MOVIE REVIEWS 2016 slasher “Terrifier.” And while I understand this film was a more psychological thriller, I would’ve enjoyed seeing the mangled up corpses or at least getting more detailed death scenes. It’s a horror movie — I want to squirm and duck for cover at every horrific scene.
The only scene that really spoke horror was when Chrystal (the osteoporotic trophy wife) contorted her body in such a way that I got flashbacks to scenes from the iconic films “The Ring” and “The Grudge.”

So when it comes to whether you should chip in $20 to watch Shyamalan’s latest hit film, I suggest going to buy yourself a Chick-fil-A meal instead. The only thing scary about this movie was how bad
it was.