The Girl Who Finally Got Her Answers | Teen Ink

The Girl Who Finally Got Her Answers

September 19, 2015
By majohndrow, Bristol, Connecticut
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majohndrow, Bristol, Connecticut
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Author's note:

I decided to write about my eating disorder andd my self harm because without the struggle I wouldnt be who I am today. I hope people are able to take in what its like from a person in this situations point of view. This is for all the girls and boys who go through eating disorders and depression. Yoou all are beautiful matter what you see.. you will get through it and things WILL get better , I promise

The demon's voice rose again,deep inside my thoughts, but this time, I'm going to be in control of them.
“Madison, Come on in. Follow me to the scale while I weigh you and take your blood pressure”.
As i stand on the scale, I can't even look at the number at the scale, as i hear the gliding of the markers on the scale. My heart nearly drops when i hear my weight.
“You've lost 10 pound in the past couple months again”, the nurse said to me, with a nervous look in her eyes.
But to me, I still wasn't at my goal weight, I wanted to lose more .No, I needed to, I didn't want to be that “Ugly fat girl”, like I was two years ago. The nurse guides me to my room with my mother, there's a gown waiting for me,  I slip into it. My mother sits quietly afraid of what she may find out today, you could tell she was nervous by the way she kept bouncing her knee, but she tried to hide her nerves. A knock on the door, I look up.
“Hi Madison, How are you? I've seen you've lost more weight and I have some questions to ask you”.
I I’ve starved myself just to loose all that weight and its been paying off, but no one else saw it that way.
“Madison, we have been worried about you and I'm afraid that you are becoming anorexic, I think we need to get you some help. I really think this will help you. Can you tell me something you like about yourself?”.
I sat in my seat for a few minutes, but I realized I can't even tell anyone what I  like about myself, only what I didn't like or what I'd change.
“Nothing, I’d rather change everything about myself. I've tried therapy and it did nothing , it won't do anything this time either.”.
I could see the pain in my mother's eyes which killed me, if therapy relieved some stress from her and my father, I'd do it. my mother finally looks up,”What can we do to help her?”.
“ Well I can give some names of therapist that specialize in eating disorders, is that okay with you Madison?”.
“Yeah, i guess so.” .
I didn't want to talk to someone about my issues, but if it put my parent's mind at ease I'd give it a shot, but that doesn't mean I’ll give up losing weight..

It was about a week or two since I was told that I had an eating disorder, the next step was therapy. Today was the day where I start my long bumpy road in therapy. We pulled into the parking lot, I take a deep breath and it's time to face my demons inside of me . The waiting room was small but calming in some sense but that still couldn't stop my mind from racing. A short woman, in her mid 60’s, opened the door with a smile,
“ You must be Madison,I'm Eve please come in”.
I got up and entered the room, two couches , two comfy chairs, and her desk with a chair.I take a seat on one of the couches and sent a pillow on my lap, holding onto the pillow looking for some kind of comfort. I looked around the room, it's peaceful, books everywhere and pictures. Eve sat on the other couch,
“I known you aren't open to therapy but I strongly believe this may help you. If you feel uncomfortable talking to me or I feel I can't help you, we will find you someone else”.
I nodded my head slowly, nervous out of my mind, my hands are shaking and I felt like she could hear my heart beating out of my chest.
“ I've been told about your medical past and I can't imagine what it was like to be in your shoes, you were also bullied for your weight when you were in elementary and part of middle school”. She had already knew about my past which I was never ashamed of but I don't like thinking about it, it wasn't the best times of my life. My childhood was getting shots every month, monthly hospital visits, everything you could possibly think of. “Can you tell me why you think you are here?”.
“Well to my doctor and my parents, they believe I have a problem, that I'm trying to starve myself,but I'm fine. I don't have a problem, I'm just losing weight, that's all”.
  Eating to me is just a pointless thing and whatever enters my mouth,I'll gain weight. I don't want to gain, I want to lose. I had gone from a size 16 to a size 8 in the matter of two months then a size 8 to a 4. I was buying new clothes almost every month,i was happy but no one saw it the way I did..
“Well, everyone is very worried about you , this is becoming a problem. I hope you soon will be able to slowly open up and share the deep stuff with me so we can scratch the surface on where the eating disorder may have started up”.
I knew deep down that I may have a problem but I didn't want to become what I use to be .
“ Well, I guess the bullying had a lot to do with why I'm trying to lose weight,I hated the way I look and I still do so I'm doing something about it. I wanted to feel better for myself because I don't love myself and I'm not happy with who I am inside and out”.
We talked for awhile after that, we decided I’d also talk to my school intervention specialist, when I needed someone to talk to, I’d do to her when I didn't have therapy.

t was a monday afternoon,I was at school when I was called down to the school’s intervention specialist. I wandered down the hall unable to find the room, until I was stopped by a women. She had long long brown hair pulled back into a low ponytail, wearing a shirt and a pink shirt, and she was averaged height. She welcome me with a smile,
“You must be Madison, Hi,Im Mrs.Laviero-Ward, nice to meet you. Please come into my room.”.
We enter a wing of the school with a narrow hall, her door was straight ahead. It wasn't a big room but not a small room. There was a long table with a notebook by a chair, and her desk verival of the table. I felt safe being there, there was some type of comfort that she had and that her room had. It smelt like apples into her room, and pictures filled her room with her family.
“Please , take a seat. I got you a note book for you to write down your thought and almost like a journal. I want you to write down what you would change about yourself and wouldn't. Write about anything you want to.Im very aware of everything going on and I want you to know that whatever is said here, isn't shared with anyone else. I want you to feel safe and comfortable talking to me. I just wanted to meet you and give you this notebook and hopefully it comes in handy. Im going to send you back to class and I’ll see you tomorrow!”.
She gave me a warm smile and I was back to class.That night I made a list of everything I didn't like about myself, sadly the list was so much longer than what I did like about myself. I had my work cut out for me .
The next morning Mrs. Laviero-Ward, called me to her room. She had talked to my mom ,she had called a food specialist to create a stable food plan for myself didn't lose anymore weight. Food was one of my biggest fears and I was about to face it..

It was a Saturday morning and I was off to meet the food specialist to make a food plan. I wasn't sure what to expect. I didn't care to even eat more than one meal a day only for my parents benefit. We got to the specialist, the room was quiet and 80’s music filled the room. The door slowly creaked open, a tall middle aged women with short brown hair entered the waiting room. “ You must be Madison! Hi, I'm Sue, come on in!”.
She lead me to a room. Her room had a scale, a couch, a chair and a desk . Sue had a small pile of papers for me to fill out and for her files.
“Step on scale backwards so I can get your weight. I'm going to show you the meal plan I have made up for you that I want you to try for about a week , if that's okay? Take a seat please”
As I sat down she handed me a paper with six sections waiting to be filled out my meal plan.
“I would like you to eat six times a day, three meal and three snacks .”
It was too much for her to even ask anyone let alone a person who doesn't care to eat or not. We made the meal plan and I was off to hopefully see what the plan would bring. how much weight would I gain? Can I even handle this?

I had finally reached my breaking point. The eating plan was way too much, that's too much to consume in one day especially for me. My depression kept getting worse and worse every day, the voices in my head became stronger .
“ You eat that food, you'll become fat again”
“Come on, you deserve pain so give yourself some pain”
“ There’s a razor, pick it up and punish yourself”
At that moment I had given into my demons and self harmed, not deep enough to do anything, but deep enough for blood. I went to bed that night with some satisfaction that I unleashed my demons and relieved stress , but was that the way to get rid of stresI woke up, forgetting the damage I had done, the cuts were a reddish pink, and stung as if I was stung by a bee a million times, they were puffed up. I got ready for school wearing a sweatshirt, even though it was around spring time, I had to cover up  the evidence. I went to school like usually but when I came home that all changed. I took off my sweatshirt forgetting  about the cuts, I went to go put my hair up, as I was talking to my sister. She looks up ,her jaw drops as sadness fills her eyes.
“What is that on your wrist?”
“Nothing, Munson just scratched me. I'm fine”.
“Madison, I'm not stupid I known what that is. Why did you? “
I didn't really have an answer for my sister, tears filled my eyes because I knew I had let my sister down and that my parents would be told.
“I need to tell mom and dad”
I run up stairs , I yelled to my sister,
“If you tell mom and dad , I'll never forgive you and I'll hate you!”.
I knew I had to call my mom and tell her , but how? How can I even utter those words to my mother, they worry about me enough, this just adds on to it. I hear my sister crying and talking on the phone in the other room, did she already call and tell my parents?
Even if she did  I need to call my mom, so I slowly dialed her work number, taking deep breaths.
It feels like the rings are happening so slow and like I'm waiting forever just for her to answer.
The ringing stops , my heart drops .
“Hi ,honey how are you?”
“Did Bre tell you?” as I snob into the phone.
“Tell me what? Whats going on? Why are you crying?”
“I…. I…. I cut okay! I couldn't take it anymore the food plan is just too much for me .Im sorry Im a disappointment to you and dad, mom. I really am”.
I had let the people  I love the most down. My family is my world.
“Were you trying to kill yourself”
You see people sadly use self harming for an escape and some use it as a way of killing themselves. No, I wasn't planning on killing myself .This wasn't the first time I had self harmed, but to my parents it was the first time hearing it. I had told my therapist about the other time I did.
“I'm heading home now and I’m calling Eve to get you an appointment right away.”
“Okay, Im sorry mom. I love you so much.”
“Madison, you have never been a disappointment to me or your father. We love you very much and are worried about you. We just want you to be okay. I’ll see you when I get home okay? I love you sweetheart”.
It wasn't before my mother called home and I had an appointment for the next day in therapy My parents tried to comprehend what i had done. I couldn't even do that, could they?
It was the next day, we all headed off to the family session, one of the most terrifying sessions I’ve ever had. You could hear a pin drop with the silence in the room when we got there. I sat in my usually spot, and my dad right next to me . My mother and sitting on the other couch and Eve in her chair by her desk. We discussed what had happened yesterday. The big question was “Why?”. The worst part of it all wasn't the fact my family had known but to see the hurt in their eyes. My sister especially, she’s my best friend and I can't stand to see her cry. This time when I  saw her cry , it was different.She was hurt by my actions and my words.How could I possibly say I would hate her if she told my parents? All she wants is for me to be okay and safe. From that moment on, I knew i really had to open up and work on myself as hard as I could. Not just for everyone else but myself . I can't fix myself or save myself , if I didn't want it for me and for my own benefit.So I did  what was best for me , I took the help I needed.

When I finally realized I needed to get better for myself because if I didn't want to get better for myself, I wouldn't get better , I would only get worse. The road to recovery isnt easy what so ever,  I had to work on myself everyday, slowly but surely I changed. I wasn't getting as angry anymore, I found other ways to calm myself down,I talked to my parent and the people who cared about me more instead of holding everything inside until I exploded.
My thoughts sometimes did get the best of me, but I had more control of them more than I ever had my whole entire life. Depression isnt ever easy to fight and neither is anxiety but its only up to us to fix how we deal with them. No one can change or fix anything for us, you are the only person that can make those changes.  “ There’s always a positive in the negative, you just need to find those positive things”, my father always told me that when I use to ask “Why me? Why do I have to go through this?”. After over a year of therapy and working hard everyday on myself , I finally had gotten my answers. Everything that I have gone through my whole life, good and bad made me who I am today, a stronger person. I still go to therapy but I know that I'm not alone with what goes on in my life, I have an amazing family that supports me and amazing friends also that help me get through any situation. I have gone from a self-conscious 14 year old to now a fairly confident 16 year old. Im proud proud of who I am and how far I’ve come.

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This book has 1 comment.

ljohndrow said...
on Sep. 28 2015 at 8:21 am
Madison, I cant even begin to describe how proud of you I am. You have faced so much over the last several years and have come out better and stronger on the other side. I am glad you realize you wont ever face a struggle alone. I love you mom xoxox