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The Last Thirty Seconds
It all comes down to this. Me against you. Problem being you're going to win.
The gun is off safety. I feel myself breathe and try not to think how it'll feel to have a little bullet tear through my lungs at a few hundred miles an hour. How I'll die. Your smile is chilling.
It all comes down to this. After six weeks and three thousand miles, the chase is over; I've lost. After a million lies and two other traps very much like this one that I survived to tell the tale- but this time, I don't think I'll make it. This time my hands are tied and any second you're going to pull the trigger.
I rotate my wrists frantically behind my back, but I can feel your gaze. We're alone, the two of us. And soon you'll be the only one.
The world is ending. Maybe not to six point five billion other people, but my world is ending. My personal universe is about to be brought to an abrupt halt, and I'll miss it. I don't want to die. It sounds plaintive, but it's true: I don't want to die.
If only my hands were free. That would be something. But my tugging is futile. I have nothing, almost nothing- all I've got is my own heartbeat and you're about to take that too.
You're saying something. Probably gloating over my defeat. But I'm not listening, I can only hear the blood in my ears. I can only think about whether it'll hurt, can only concentrate on the fact that I've failed.
The moment is rushing closer, I can feel it coming like a freight train that's ready to crush me into a bloody smear along the tracks. Your finger tightens on the trigger. It all comes down to this- and it's over. There's no chance.
And then, with a jolt that makes my already excited heart pound like a timpani, shoves adrenaline through every vein in my body and sends my brain into a perfect storm, I realize my left hand has come free.
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This article has 16 comments.
I love it you have got a good plot with some character development and a begining you could easily have an edge of your seat thriller.
HOWEVER in just a short story it is kind of just TOO conveinant to let his hand go free, if there is no more to be written have a tragic ending.
Simon Cowel feedback (you asked for it!)
Wow! That was an incredible ending. I absolutely LOVED how you ended the story. But there's a few things that need a little polishing to turn this from a good story to a great story.
The third sentence: "Problem being" should be "Problem is"
"The world...too" is a paragraph in need of some help. The sentence with the "six point five" is awkward. I would either delete it or say something like "the rest of the world will go on without me" or "maybe the millions of other people will continue to enjoy their lives" something like that. But such a big number to be written out like that is kind of unnecessary.
Another minor detail in there: you had a punctiation error. The sentence needs to be "I have nothing--almost nothing" or "I have nothing; almost nothing" because a comma doesn't fit there. (personally I would use the hyphen on both ends so it looks like this: "I have nothing--almost nothign--all..." but a semicolon works too.)
Also in the last sentance is incomplete. If you take out the clause "with...timpani" you have "And then shoves adrenaline..." What is doing the shoving? The rest of the sentence is great.
Just fix those things up and it looks professional. It's a great perspective, it has rythm, it's incredibly suspenseful, and I have to say it's one of my favorite stories that I've read on this website. Great job!