Once upon a time, and a very good time it was, the Greek gods were worshipped, adored, and respected as they deserve to be. Unfortunately, this all ended when a one trick pony named Jesus started walking on water, and everyone declared him the messiah. The Greek gods were declared bogus and Jesus was adored. We live in a time where one is ridiculed, perhaps even declared insane for believing in the real Greek gods. To prevent themselves from further ridicule, the deities signed a pact to exile themselves and allow the weak mortals to believe in this “Jesus”. Maybe one day, when the world remembers the true unsung heroes of our time, the Greek gods will return. But until then, any man attempting to reach Mount Olympus, the current poorhouse for the gods, would be struck down.
One of the believers in this “Jesus” guy was Pisaurysus, working as a guardian of the Nyack High School. There, ignorant children learned their false history lessons and prayed to their false gods. Now Pisaurysus was a firm believer in Jesus, and believed in the unreal concept of heaven, and how salvation can be reached through atonement of sins. One day, Pisaurysus was praying when he heard a voice call his name.
“Who is there?”, Pisaurysus asked.
“Pisaurysus, it is your God, Christ almighty”, the voice responded. “I require your assistance.”
“What is it you need, my Lord?” he asked. “I will do anything.”
“I need you to kill Zeus, the Greek god of lightning.”
Pisaurysus did not respond, a little shocked at what he had just heard.
“But the Greek gods don’t exist. They are fictional” Pisaurysus replied.
“That is false. They have only signed an oath to allow me to lead the world. But they grow strong, and grow stronger by the minute.”
“How am I supposed to kill him? You can’t stab a god in the back. What if you miss?”
“You will have my guidance, and the guidance of other gods.”
“What do you mean?”
“Zeus has enemies, Pisaurysus. Godly enemies. They will help you in your quest. I also know of a nymph residing by the sea, in a land called Piermont. Visit her immediately. You will find her at the Inn of Dionysus. I will contact you once you find her.”
“How will I know this nymph when I see her?” Pisaurysus yelled, to no response. It appeared his next destination would be the Inn of Dionysus.
The Inn of the Hudson House was a barbaric place, full of cruel and barbaric pirates looking to trade some of their craftwork. In the center of the tavern, two men were engaged in a drinking contest, downing some of Dionysus’ finest ports. Pisaurysus entered and scanned the area, but could find no see no nymphs. He walked to the bar with a defeated chin.
“Long day?” the bartender asked Pisaurysus.
“No, all days are 24 hours long” Pisaurysus responded, amazed at how uneducated the bartender was. “You haven’t by any chance seen any nymphs around these parts, have you?”
“If I were to see any nymphs around these parts, you could bet your bottom dollar I’d be out of here faster than a rock star on one of my ‘magic ports’”, the bartender responded. “Allow myself to introduce…myself. I am Dionysus, god of the grape harvest, winemaking, alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, and all other assorted drugs.”
“I don’t remember hearing of a god of drugs.” Pisaurysus replied.
“Zeus kind of pinned all those subjects on me over the past 100 years”, Dionysus answered.
“So, Dionysus, what are you doing in a place like this?”
“I run this here tavern. Zeus sent me into exile after I killed too many good musicians, so I started this place. Nothing special, but it pays the rent.”
“Well, I’m Pisaurysus. I’m pleased to meet you.”
“Oh, Pisaurysus, I’ve got something here for you. From some J.C. guy. Left it a couple hours ago.”
Dionysus handed Pisaurysus a letter. He opened it and began to read:
“Pisaurysus,
You can find the nymph I told you about behind you, winning the drinking contest. She is dressed like a man and will visit you in room 237 when her contest is complete. Your next destination is Monte Lauro, in Ragusa, Sicily. On your voyage, you will encounter three challenges. Once you defeat the challenges, you will meet a man in a cavern in the mountain. Tell him your name and he will give you what you need.
         Sincerely,
          J.C.”
Pisaurysus folded the letter and put it in his pocket. He turned to Dionysus. “I’d like a room”, he said.
“Sure thing, my boy.” Dionysus said, as he reached for the key to room 217.
“May I get room 237, please?”
“Room 237 is still getting cleaned…”
“I need room 237.”
Dionysus turned and looked at Pisaurysus’ death stare. “Room 237 it is”, he responded, throwing Pisaurysus the keys. Dionysus watched Pisaurysus walk towards the rooms, and once he was out of view, Dionysus picked up his phone and dialed a number.
 
In his humble abode in the palace of Mount Olympus, Hermes sat in his brown recliner watching reruns of The Cronus Bunch on his small television. The phone began to ring, but Hermes did not answer it. He didn’t want to deal with these guys right now. After a couple of rings, his wife Penlopeia called to him.
“Hermes! I thought you told those mortals never to call you at home!”
“I did, honey. And that’s exactly what I’m going to tell this mortal right now.”
Hermes picked up the phone. “You’ve reached Hermes the messenger god. What is your message?”
On the other end, Dionysus began to talk. “Hermes, you there?”
“I’m here, Dionysus. What’s up buddy?”
“Spiders caught a couple of flies. That Pisaurysus guy just showed up and is headed to Room 237. And there’s a guy following him up, too” Dionysus said, noting the hooded man who just won the drinking contest. “Send Zeus over ASAP.”
“Thank you, my man. You’re my eyes and ears, Dionysus. I’ll tell the big man right now.” Hermes said, hanging up the phone. He sat up, hitched on his wings, and flew down the golden halls to report the news to Zeus.
Not long after Pisaurysus reached room 237, a hooded man entered and drew a blade.
“Who goes there?” Pisaurysus asked.
The hooded figure removed their cowl and revealed themselves to be a nymph. “You draw far too much attention to yourself, Pisaurysus.”
“Who are you?” Pisaurysus asked.
“I am Simona the Wise. I’m here to rescue you.” the nymph responded. “Are you frightened?”
“No.” Pisaurysus replied.
“You should be. I know what hunts you. Now, come. We leave in haste.”
The two fled through the door and ran down the hall. Pisaurysus began to run down towards the tavern when Simona stopped him.
“No! This way!” She cried. Pisaurysus followed. They reached a window. Simona opened it and jumped out. “Quickly, Pisaurysus! We move quickly now! Seal the window shut!”
“How do you suggest I do that?”
Simona spotted a torch, and handed it to Pisaurysus.
“Use this”, she yelled.
Pisaurysus used the torch to melt the sides of the window down. The two ran across the rooftops before settling on a good place to jump onto the street below. “We must act naturally.” Simona said. “Othrus patrols these parts, disguised by a white cone over his second head, and if he finds us we’re through.” The two walked slowly down the street, passing a salon, unfortunately not noticing the three hairdressers with hair as oily as snake skin. The hairdressers hissed at each other and walked out the door (leaving their clients in an awful bit of confusion). Simona turned and saw the hairdressers following close behind. “Gorgons! We’ve been spotted! Run!” she cried. Pisaurysus and Simona ran down the street, with the Gorgons still close behind. “Grab my blade!” Simona yelled, and Pisaurysus did as told. “You must fight them, or the challenge is not completed!” she cried, and Pisaurysus ran at the Gorgons. In a swift motion, he chopped all three of their heads off. Simona grabbed him and led him down the street. “That was surprisingly easy” Pisaurysus said. “There are still two more challenges. Do not feel too safe.” Simona responded. “If we reach Brandybuck Ferry, we may be able to charter a plane to Monte Lauro, and you can receive your armor.”
The duo managed to charter a plane, the Air Apollo, and were soon on their way to Monte Lauro. The plane landed, and the duo traveled up the steep mount and reached a cavern, where they entered. As they traveled down the dark corridors, Pisaurysus began to notice the human bones and flash scattered on the ground, and wondered what had caused this. Yet, he continued further into the cavern. “I have a bad feeling about this” he said. At the end of the cavern, Pisaurysus saw a bright light shining upon a tomb, holding the greatest armor known to man. “Guess my feeling was wrong” Pisaurysus said. “Jesus, the Gods have got to step up their game a little bit. This is just getting too easy”. Pisaurysus noticed a look of fear in Simona’s eyes, looking at something behind him. “Why do you look so scared, Simona?” Simona pointed behind Pisaurysus, who turned to find himself face to face with a minotaur. “Oh, s***.” He said, and he began to run away from the minotaur. Pisaurysus hid himself behind a rock with Simona, and watched as the minotaur searched for him.
“Enough of this cowardice…” Simona said. “If you’re not man enough to destroy this thing than I am!” she yelled, jumping from behind the rock. She deflected the minotaur’s attacks with her sword, and stabbed him in the hand when she found her chance. The minotaur winced in pain, and grew angry. He grabbed Simona and threw her against the rock.
“NO!” Pisaurysus cried, grabbing Simona as blood dripped from her mouth. She had no pulse, nor will. Pisaurysus felt the rage boil up inside. He grabbed Simona’s sword and charged at the minotaur. With a swift motion, the blade was in the minotaur’s heart, and the minotaur was dead. Pisaurysus stared at him, his hands clenched in fists of rage.
“You have defeated my minotaur” said a voice from the darkness.
“Who goes there?” Pisaurysus asked.
“It is I who dwells in the cavern. I am Ares, former god of war.” Ares walked from the darkness and approached Pisaurysus. “When war became all about strategy and threats over who would bomb who, Zeus saw no further need for me, and banished me. I’ve remained here with my minotaur for 200 years. I’ve seen thousands travel into this pass, I’ve seen none travel out. What is your name, dear boy?”
“I am Pisaurysus, son of Rossano, guardian of Nyack High School.”
“I was told to expect you, Pisaurysus. Since you have killed the minotaur, the armor of Icarus now belongs to you.” Ares handed Pisaurysus the golden armor. “No sword on Earth can pierce that armor. Except one.” Ares took a sword out of the tomb and handed it to Pisaurysus. “The vorpal blade, forged from the fires of Hephaestus. An elegant weapon for a more civilized age. And now, young man, I give the blade to you. I’m sorry about your partner, but may her death do nothing but quench the burning in your heart. The gods deserve justice. You can give them that. Go in peace, my boy.” With that, Pisaurysus began his climb to Mount Olympus.
The ascent was easy, and now Pisaurysus found himself in the halls of the great Mount Olympus. None of the guards seemed to try to prevent Pisaurysus from heading to the great room, and Pisaurysus found his way. When he entered, he was almost struck down by the sheer magnitude and power of the building. All the great gods sat in their chairs, staring at Pisaurysus, with Zeus in the middle. Zeus stood up and looked at him.
“Are you the one they call Pisaurysus?” Zeus asked.
“I am. And I have been sent to kill you.” he responded.
“Who has sent you to perform this task?”
“I have been sent by Jesus Christ Almighty.”
“Would it shock you to hear that Jesus Christ has been dead nearly 2000 years?”
“He is not dead. He has commanded me to take this quest.”
“Since when did the poor mortals of the world abandon reason for madness?”
With this, Pisaurysus felt he had taken as much as he could take. He took his vorpal blade in hand and stabbed Zeus in the heart. Zeus fell to the ground, bleeding, and grew cold. Pisaurysus began to hear sharp laughter echoing from somewhere. He turned to discover where it came from.
“Foolish mortals. They will do anything their false god tells them to do.”
“False god?” Pisaurysus questioned.
“That’s right. You never talked to Jesus Christ. You were talking to me…Hades.”
Suddenly, Hades appeared before the gasping council and Pisaurysus, laughing maniacally. “Now that my brother is out of the picture, I can take my rightful place as the ruler of the world!”
“Not so fast” a voice said from somewhere. From the darkness came Zeus, holding his lightning staff and walking towards Hades.
“But I thought he just killed you!” Hades said.
“Oh, no. You thought he killed me. He actually killed a decoy, created by Athena. When I received word of your plan from Dionysus, I had it created. And now, the tables will turn on you, Hades, as Pisaurysus will kill you now.”
“No, brother. Looks like the tables have turned on you. You see, your little pal Pisaurysus made one mistake on his quest. Instead of sailing over here like a normal person, he decided to take a plane, completely skipping the second challenge I left for him: the hydra. His new golden sword is worthless against it.”
Suddenly, the hydra’s heads crashed through the walls of Mount Olympus, and Hades jumped on one of the heads as they flew back towards the sea.
“Pisaurysus!” Zeus yelled. “Only you can kill the hydra. It is your challenge!”
“How can I kill him?” Pisaurysus asked.
“That’s up to you. You take the hydra, I’ll take Hades.”
With that, Zeus was off to kill his brother. Pisaurysus approached the hydra, and when one of the heads got close, he chopped it off. Pisaurysus began to think this was going to be another one of the god’s overblown challenges. Just as he was getting relaxed, two more heads grew where the chopped off head once was. “You’ve got to be kidding me”, Pisaurysus said. “How the hell am I going to do this?” In that moment, Pisaurysus remembered his time on the rooftop with Simona, when she had him melt the window stuck. “I’ve got it!” he cried. He grabbed a torch in one hand and his vorpal blade in the other, and called for the hydra, taunting him. The hydra swung one of it’s head, when Pisaurysus sliced it off and melted the gash closed. Two heads tried to emerge, but they were stuck. The power of the two heads became too much for the hydra, who exploded into a million tiny heads. To his right, Pisaurysus saw Zeus shoot his lightning bolt at Hades, who deflected it and shot his energy at Zeus. Pisaurysus ran behind Hades and stabbed him in the back. Hades keeled over, blood dripping from his mouth, and fell to the floor, dead.
Zeus walked to Pisaurysus, and patted him on the back.
“I guess this means there isn’t a Jesus”, Pisaurysus said.
“No, but there is a Pisaurysus.” Zeus replied. “And his help is much needed. You see, we are in dire straits. For the past years, the United States military has been on our tail, thinking that we run some secret nuclear arms factory. We need you to help take them down.”
“The entire United States military?” Pisaurysus replied.
“Is it something you can do?”
“Not a problem.” Pisaurysus replied, jumping down to earth for his next mission.