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A Solution To The Gulf Crisis MAG
Mikhail Ribsyvek stared into the clear water inside the 10 by 30 ft tank. As he watched, the hum made by the machines that kept the salinity of the water equal to sea water, was replaced by a gurgling noise. A huge green armored head emerged from the waters. Two cold yellow eyes stared at him. Then the giant crocodile submerged everything but his nose.
Three weeks later, the Soviet Agency for Discouragement of American Enterprise (SADAE) approved the crocodile for deployment. Two crocodiles, both of which had been raised by Mikhail Ribsyvek, were loaded onto a charter plane. SADAE had taken an old airliner, removed the seats, and put the tank in their place. The male and female crocs were placed in a tank which took up all the room in the specially-built airliner.
The plane arrived from Moscow at Logan International late in the afternoon on a sunny day in late May. The plane had arrived under the pretense of having two unique specimens for the New England Aquarium. The Aquarium transferred the sea crocodiles to an exhibition tank. The crowds flocked to see the famous sea crocodiles from the Bering Strait. Three days later, the crocodiles were gone.
The whereabouts of the crocodiles remained a mystery for three weeks. Then the crocodiles were spotted at Nauset Beach as they crawled from the surf. A family ran all the way to the parking lot and the crocs devoured their picnic lunch. The crocodiles sat placidly on the damp sand, their tails in the surf, munching deviled eggs, roast beef sandwiches, the picnic basket, and finally the radio which was still playing. By the time the crocodiles got to the radio, the beach was empty, except for a group which stood at a distance of thirty or forty yards, taking pictures.
Back in SADAE headquarters in Moscow there was a celebration when they saw the New York Times the next day. Their crocodiles had succeeded in scaring people off beaches all up and down Cape Cod after they had waddled after a group of TV journalists for half a mile down the beach and had taken several ragged bites out of the hood of a Toyota in the parking lot near the beach. SADAE had succeeded in getting their crocodiles to eat anything. The crocs would fearlessly venture onto the beaches and raid the picnic baskets of any beach-goers. SADAE had thought of the sea crocodiles as a way of destroying the commerce that surrounds beaches.
In Washington, the Environmental Protection Agency was arguing that the animals should be removed and placed in their own sanctuary beach. The Marine Corps wanted to destroy the crocodiles. Everyone agreed something should be done, but no one agreed what. Then something occurred that gave a scientist named Michael Bond an idea. Iraq invaded Kuwait and the US sent troops to the Persian Gulf.
Bond captured the crocs by waiting for them on the beach with nets and nothing was heard about the crocs for another three months. Then, suddenly, the crocs appeared on the Kuwait coast. They had been transformed. They were bigger than before. Their skin was so well-armored, it could repel bullets.
It eventually leaked out that the American scientists had fed the crocodiles a diet of chemical waste which made the crocodiles grow very thick bullet-proof skins. Large deposits of metallic elements appeared in their teeth and lengthened and hardened their claws. The crocodiles had reproduced in captivity. Besides the two parent crocodiles, there were eight small crocs; these had been raised from birth on the chemical waste.
Now the crocs were arrayed in a fearsome line, ready to charge into the city where Sadam Hussein was currently directing Iraqi pillaging of Kuwaiti homes and businesses. As soon as night fell, the Americans made their move. The five scientists gave a quiet, low-pitched whistle, each man to his pair of reptiles. The force moved into the city, staying quietly in the shadows.
Then when an Iraqi official left headquarters to get Hussein for dinner, he spotted the reptile battalion. He gave a yelp. Immediately, one of the crocodiles, mistaking the frightened man's cry for a command, rushed forward and seized the official's pants, tearing them from him. The official ran howling back into headquarters. When he and his generals returned to headquarters, Hussein's dinner was cold. By that time, the crocs had closed in.
They hid in low trees or bushes or behind trash dumpsters. Stealthily they inched their way through the gloom, avoiding the brilliant puddles of light that might betray them.
By every doorway on the ground floor and at the foot of each fire-escape, crocodiles waited. Despite the efforts of the official who had seen the crocs, Hussein refused to believe that ten fearsome crocodiles, smelling of the sea, had hemmed him in. At one point, a Muslim woman thought she saw something pretty peculiar, but since her peripheral vision was partly blocked by her black veil, she wasn't sure.
Finally, a servant tried to leave the building. He found himself staring into beady, unblinking amber eyes. With an ear-splintering shriek, the servant dived back to safety. A panic-stricken search for a way out ensued.
Hussein thought to himself,>I will not be trapped by thick-headed reptiles! He summoned his bodyguards and made an attempt to exit. A cold reptile face stared at him, while behind it came the put-put of helicopter rotors. Hussein's man panicked and would not advance. He rushed to all the other entrances. They were all blocked. He got on the phone to mobilize a division of troops, but the phone went dead. Although the phone lines were buried, a crocodile had ruptured them when he had become hungry during the wait and had dug for grubs. Seeing the cable, he had bitten off a piece, shaken off the electric shock, and munched away.
Just as Hussein was about to send out a group of fifty armed men, the helicopter landed. Out came 50 marines.
Hussein gave up, although he did make one final break for freedom. He tried to run for it with ten bodyguards as the helicopter was landing. But a crocodile lashed with his powerful tail, sent the leader of Iraq sprawling, and then wrapped his tail around Hussein's legs, just to make sure he wasn't going anywhere.
Hussein pulled out of Kuwait and the crocodiles returned to the United States where they are currently the sole demolition workers in the most efficient and environmentally-aware building demolition company in the country. And the United States never realized they had the USSR and the Soviet Agency for the Discouragement of American Enterprise to thank for the end of the Gulf Crisis. n
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