Fade Away

I knew the time had finally dawned on us. Except instead of receiving a present or a gift, there was only sadness and sorrow. Time acted like a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode, destroying all the good and innocent around. This meant the most precious thing in my life, my son. I did not know how to tell Ronan.
How do you expect me to tell my little boy that this was the last time he was going to see his mommy? I didn’t have a clue, so I leaned over and whispered in his ear. Tears rolled down my face. I was barely able to push out the words, “I love you to the moon and back, you were my best four years.” He gave me this look of love and thankfulness. His eyes gleamed like they had a little piece of the sun stuck in them. His eyes were the eyes of an honorable and noble army guy who had fought an unwinnable battle; cancer. Tears increasingly began to stream down my warm cheeks like a waterfall drifting off the edge of the earth and disappearing into the stars in space.
The gleam in his eyes that was so dearly loved slowly grew dimmer and dimmer. I quickly grabbed his cold stiff hand and squeezed it trying to bring the gleam, the light, back into his eyes. I started crying and screaming “why?” I could taste the salty tears stream into my mouth as I heard the low constant beep in the background. I could faintly smell the wilting piles of flowers lying on his nightstand.
Just than I could careless if they needed water or sunlight; all I cared about was my little son lying in front of me. I began to shake and rock back and forth, holding his little hand. I slowly looked back up at his pale face; he still wore a frozen smile and his little dimples still adored his little face. He looked as if he was just visiting another world for a couple hours, and his smile was reinsurance that he would be back soon.

Hours passed. He was still staring into the unknown regions of our universe. I had blind hope that he would somehow find a way back into his lifeless body. The clock kept ticking and the gleam in his eyes never returned. The nurse came in and held my shoulders, giving me a slight tug, trying to tell me it was time to go. I rose up and looked at him one more time. I saw a helpless little boy who had been put onto this world to change my life. His mission was accomplished, all too soon. It was now time for me to let my son’s cold, pale body go.
His shinny hairless head beckoned me to kiss it one time. I leaned over and gently kissed his head. I could feel the warmth from my lips dispersed like nerves fanning out giving impulses to the body. The warmth of my kiss on his head quickly disappeared leaving only the slightest trace of my rose shaded lip gloss.
A part of me wanted to pretend like it was just another kiss good night and I would see his smiling face in the morning, but the other half knew that this was a final kiss goodbye; a kiss that would seal my love for him and send him on his way to heaven.
I walked out of that children’s hospital with a tingling sensation like his little hand was in mine, but every time I looked down he disappeared.
I walked out hoping that a miracle would see us through, even if that miracle was getting one more moment with him. I walked out knowing that everything I have ever worked for was gone. I walked out of that children’s hospital all alone.