There was a dream I once had. In it my life stood still and never progressed. I was still working at the same pizza joint and living with my parents. My days consist of me doing nothing. I don't know if that dream was showing my future or mocking me, but when I woke up my body was shaking. In my whole life I have never been so shocked. After my dream, I got up, went to the bathroom and look at myself. I'm young still, but why do I feel like wasted so much time? This body is growing and I'm doing nothing about it; I look dirty and I'm doing nothing about it; I feel pathetic and yet I'm doing nothing about it.



My outlook of the future was never negative, but there was always uncertainty. I always felt that if one mistake were to happen then it'll all be downhill. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a perfectionist, but who cares, right? Such a statement doesn't matter because no matter how aware I am about myself and my flaws they cannot be fixed by blaming them. They can only be fixed through time and understanding or something like that. 'Sigh', I wish I could marry a rich person so I could live a pointless life without any of the guilt. I'm hopeless, aren't I? There's just no way I can progress anymore. I'm finally losing hope and reality is slowly setting in.




Every day is like a repeating record. I've gotten so use to it that it doesn't bother me anymore. Tell me, Am I giving up? The way my parents and siblings look at me now doesn't bring pain or guilt. The only thing that awaits me is madness. It sounds both wonderful and terrifying; I wonder if I want that though.It doesn't seem like a good way to go. I'll just burden my family and leave them suffering. Oh, What a bleak mind I have! Even this schtick of being negative is also growing old. I literally feel like I'm 16 all over again.


Then after so much self-complaining I take a deep breath and stop thinking. I rarely have moments like this, but my God are they wonderful, and once they are over I return to thought. But now everything is clear and I can focus my thoughts. It is here where I know that I have limits and hope is only thing keeps me pushing forward. This is why I'm scared of the this uncertain future of mine. Once I lose hope, will I just accept everything as it is and just give up? Is that what it means to grow up?