A burrito with black beans, chicken, beef, brown rice, white rice, tomatoes, lettuce, cheese, and pico de galo. That’s what my sister sits down to eat for dinner. I eat a salad, with iceberg lettuce and one tomato sliced. I hate it and I want to throw up but I can’t, I have to hold it down because it is good for me.

The next morning my sister goes to school. Esperanza, a beautiful name that flows off the tongue. I’m Isabella, strange, doesn’t fit…a little girl’s name. Of course. I’m a sophomore and my sister is a junior. We live in two totally different worlds. I have Algebra II while she is cruising through Pre-Calculus. Oh yeah did I mention I am 5’10” and I’m 200 pounds?

I don’t hate Esperanza…I just want to be her. She’s so lucky, boys staring at her all the time. Because she has all the right curves in the right places and like a stick in all the right places. But I have all the curves…everywhere. Mom says I got her genes…but I think she means jeans. Cause her jeans fit me. Esperanza takes after our father. Tall, thin, cute…we are like total opposites.

No one believes she’s my sister even though she’s insisting I am. My friends believe me because they’ve been to my house. Yes I have friends. I’m not like those loud girls who somehow command respect from everyone…I’m the quiet one that sits in the corner, totally opposite…not paying attention. My friends are like that too, that’s how we connected.

I have four best friends, people who I am always with. Kaya, June, Elizabeth, and Sam or Samantha. We met in elementary school. June and I were the “whales” taller and fatter than everyone else. Kaya and Elizabeth were a quiet giggling bunch while Sam was a class clown. We all just kind of clicked, a group of outcasts and we liked each other. June and I are still the whales, Kaya and Elizabeth are total preps, and finally Sam is our resident goth.

June is getting taller though and losing weight while the pounds just keep coming for me. I love myself but I hate myself. I just don’t like being like this…I hate it. Sam tells me not to give a damn what other people say but its what goes on in my own mine. I think “fat girl” my friends think “fat girl” and its okay…cause I am.

So now I’m committing to being thin. I will be thin. And finally it happened…I was thin. Prettier than Esperanza cause I still had curves. The boys stared when I walked. Esperanza’s friend were with me more than they were with her…everything was perfect, except for me. I still wasn’t happy, I didn’t want to be loved for being thin I wanted to be loved for being me.

So now I’m committing to be fat…or rather me. I ate what I wanted I am what I want. I’m fat girl and I’m proud of it. But I’m confident fat girl. Yeah the boys don’t hoot when I walk by but I am feeling good, cause the boys that hoot when I’m thin don’t matter. I have my old friends and some of Esperanza’s friends. I’m me and I’m proud of it. Yeah I’m fat girl so screw you.