Alex

It’s 10:00, time for me to start walking.  If I stay on schedule, I should get there around 10:15, right in the middle of 4th and 5th period.  I get inside the school by 10:30, and that’s when I officially start.

As the school comes into my horizon, my brain begins to swirl with memories.  I had my first kiss here, I lost my first tooth here, so many things happened here that helped shape my life.  I grew up on these grounds.  What if you can’t do it? What happens then? You’ll be caught and arrested.  Stuck in this place forever.  Why can’t I make it through one day without doubting myself ?  I overthink everything.  I even planned out how long everything should take and what I should do if I get behind schedule.  And what do you do if you get behind schedule?  I have to speed up what I’m doing or cut another part of the plan out.  Going back to what I was saying… That’s my main flaw.  When you ask me a question I’ll answer and be polite, but later on I’ll constantly think if there was a better response.  What could I have done better? Was that good advice? Did I actually answer their question? Was I helpful?  Ughhh, I know I’m going to mess this up.  I’m not going to be able to stick to the plan.  But this is your only way of escaping.  You have to at least try to succeed.  You’re right, I’ve spent all day planning this out, I can’t chicken out now.  It’s time to start, but what if this isn’t what I want?

Cat

I’ve never been one to get to school on time, so 10:30 (or so) is the first period bell for me.  As I approached the school something felt off.  I had no idea what changed, but there was a different vibe in the air.  I didn’t think much of it though.  January is not known to be the happiest of months.  I just continued to walk to school, waiting for what the day had in store for me.  As I got closer, there was a sound from around the school.  It sounded like a muffled boom from somewhere on the grounds... I had no prior experience with guns, but I think it sounded like one.  Then I heard the announcement:  Attention students, teachers, and staff: we will now begin our lockdown drill.  Luckily I was just outside the entrance.  I began to run, so I could make it inside.  I hoped that I could quickly find a classroom before all the doors were closed and locked.  Inside seemed better than outside.  Once I was inside I realized that was a bad idea.  The person with the gun must have been inside the school.  By the time I made it in the school there was no one to to be seen.  The school went on lockdown a lot quicker than I thought.  The walls were the only ones left standing around.  They were watching every my move, hoping that I stayed quiet, so I wouldn’t draw the person with the gun closer.  I had trapped myself inside the building with the “killer”.  I had nowhere to go.  I couldn’t leave.  The door closing would draw attention to me.  They would follow me outside.  There were no good options left.  That run was finally hitting me.  Running was not my strong point.  I had to sit down on the hard, beige, tile floor.  I was sitting in the corner, all alone, thinking…  

Who is the shooter?  Are there more than one? Why today?... My thoughts were interrupted by another gun shot about two minutes later.  I was unsure of where they were, but they were pretty close.  This made me jump to my feet.  I didn’t want to be around when the “killer” came.  I began to walk quickly and quietly around the first floor.  Sneaking through the hallways was hard.  I had no idea who I was going to run into, or where the “killer” was.  There was always the possibility of turning a corner and being shot.  I had to constantly be cautious and aware of my surroundings.  I was finally able to use the random mirrors around the school for something though.  I never had any idea what they were used for, but they came in handy.  As I walked, I began to think again.  My heart started to race the more I thought about what was happening.  I picked up my pace; making sure I didn’t go down the same hallways just in case the “killer” heard me.

Is today an important day? No, I don’t think so.  It’s just another day in January.  Is the shooter a student?  Do I know them?  I have no idea what I’ll do, if I know them.  I’m hoping there aren’t more than one.  A whole gang of them wouldn’t be good.  I’d be dead no matter what.  I’m assuming the police are coming, but where are they?  The school would have called them if it was an emergency lockdown like this.  Come on get here, so I don’t have to keep apprehensively walking around.  Has anyone been killed?  What happens if I run into one of the victims?  I hope no one just shoots a gun for fun… Well… It’s better if they are just shooting it for fun.  Do I want to face the shooter?  I want to know more, but I don’t want to die.  You know you want answers, but will you take the chance?  I think I’ll have to see when I get there.  Do I hear footsteps?  Or am I just being paranoid?  I don’t know anymore?!?  You have to keep moving, don’t stop unless you are in a safe spot where no one will find you.  Stopping makes you more vulnerable.

After what seemed like an hour, I heard the gun again.  This time I had no idea where it was coming from.  I got used to the subtle buzz from the lights filling my ears.  The boom seemed to be surrounding me.  My ears were playing with me.  I knew that sound couldn’t surround me like that, because the “killer” was not near.  After a few minutes of waiting, trying to figure out the “killer’s” location, I went upstairs.  I walked up the stairs turtle slow, waiting for someone to find me.  Every step caused my hands to become wet with sweat.  Every time I moved my heart stopped, I wasn’t prepared to die this way.  It was dead quiet; no one dared to leave their classroom.  I could feel the presence of video cameras watching me.  Their black eye staring at me as I walked, every movement of mine would be captured.  Their memories would just be more evidence of that day.

Alex

So far everything’s worked out.  I made it inside the school, shot the gun once or maybe a few times, and made everyone run.  The school’s on lockdown now.  How do I know?  They announced it for everyone to hear over the loudspeaker.  Smart, right?  I don’t know what they were thinking.  Will telling the whole school that’s there’s a lockdown make the threat leave?  Because I know that I’m not leaving, I have to at least accomplish my goal first.  I’m not sure, but I think I heard footsteps.  You are just hearing things, stay on task, follow the plan.  Okay.  I just have to roam the school for a little while.  Shoot the gun a few more times.  And try to find someone to talk to or shoot, whichever I feel, and then it’s the end.

Cat

I think I’m getting close.  I think I heard whispering up ahead.  BOOM!!!  Be quiet Cat, don’t scream, don’t lose your cover.  It’s okay.  This is why you left the “safety” of your corner in the first place.  You shouldn’t be scared of what may come.  I got this.  It’s going to be okay.  I left my corner to find out more information, I think.  Or did I leave because I want to be a hero; try and stop the “killer”?  I don’t know what I want anymore.  But I do know I’m going to make it out; see my family and friends once again.  As I peeked around the corner, I realized who the person was.  I can’t believe it…

Alex

How am I going to find my friends or anyone?  The school’s completely locked down.  I see no one around.  Don’t find them.  Just find someone you can talk to or shoot.  Well, now I guess I’ll find someone in these empty halls.  That won’t be hard.  I’ll just talk to the walls or the security cameras.

Cat

Okay, Cat, be cool.  Just turn the corner and approach him.  Don’t let him find you first.  I don’t think I can.  How can he do this?  I know everything got messed up, but I didn’t think this would happen.  Hopefully I can help him get back to normal.  I don’t want to approach him though.  Our past makes it so hard to picture him this way.  You have to do it.  Maybe you can help save the lives of other people.  Be the hero.  Don’t just stand around and let him kill everyone.  Just don't let him find you first.  I take a deep breathe.  Okay, I got this, hopefully.  As I walk around the corner and get closer, my heart beats five million miles per hour.   I’m just waiting for the bullet to hit me…

Alex

Well, that wasn’t too hard.  I don’t want to talk to her.  She’s probably the person I want to talk to the least.  Then why didn’t you shoot her?  I should have, but instead I let her be.  I couldn’t shoot her.  I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.  The end is near.  You wouldn’t have to live with the guilt on you shoulders.  The memories flooded my body.  I couldn’t allow myself to pull the trigger.  I was paralyzed by my emotions.  Everything I did with her began to swirl in my brain.  My life was so much different before this.  I couldn’t do it…   I would have thought more, but she spoke which threw my heart into knot.  I love her.  During my time out of school I missed that part of her.  I can’t shoot her.  I can’t let that be the last thing I do… You have to do it.  It’s what you want.  But I don’t know what I want…

Cat

I wait in front of him with my hands up.  I can tell he’s contemplating if he should shoot me.  The pros and cons spiraling in his head.  I can’t talk to him.  It’s not going to happen.  How can he do this?  Why?  What is he planning to do?  You have to find this out.  Just talk, it will delay him from killing you or anyone else.

“Hey… can we talk?”

I wait there for a few minutes, I don’t dare move.  I can see that he’s thinking.

Did I make the wrong decision?  Should I have run?  I could have escaped.  Why didn’t I?!?  I hope he won’t kill me.  I want to be able to see my family and friends again.  What about our past?  Can I get away because of all the things we did together?  Is he a murderer yet?  I don’t want to be his first victim.  Is he doing this because of what happened at home?  I hope not.  I think I could help.  Maybe…

He finally answers back, “sure.”
I walk cautiously towards him. He still has the gun. I’m vulnerable compared to him, but I want to know what’s going on.  Maybe I can help.
“How are you doing? I know it’s been awhile since we talked.”
“Ummm, okay I guess. It’s just been a rocky road. You know… my mom died.  All of these months of suffering are over for her, but not for me. I’ve been living alone. I’ve been lonely…”
I sit down on the floor to make the situation seem less tense and serious. He sits down right next to me. I can feel his pain. I lose a piece of my caution. It’s like the old days when we sat and talked.
“Well, I’m here now. What are you doing here?”
“I don’t know if I should tell you…”
“Remember you can tell me anything. I’m always there for you. You can trust me.”
“Well… I was going to say my final goodbyes…”
“Oh… I don’t know what I’ll do without you.”
“I knew that would be your answer. That’s why I’m leaving. I have no idea what to do without her.”
“Well, I’ll miss you. I can’t stop you though. I know I can’t help. You have made up your mind. I shouldn’t make you suffer for me.”
He doesn’t answer. I know he’s thinking about his decision and what he should do.

Alex

She isn’t helping… Don’t listen to her, you have made up your mind.  As we sit in silence, I slowly begin to lift my hand.  I have to do this.  I can be with her forever this way…

With my hand at the back of her head and my finger hovering over the trigger, I start to count down in my head.

5 4 3     2  1

With one quick pull of the trigger, the gun is shot.  Blood splatters everywhere.  She lays helpless on the ground.  Still.  Not moving.  Not a sound coming from her.  A dreadful silence fills the school.  Everyone and everything can tell I just killed someone. 

Pull the trigger before you can regret anything you’ve done.

I now know my time's up…

September 18th

I feel helpless watching your illness destroy you… I can’t do anything besides watch you lose yourself.  It hurts me every time I see you.  I can’t do anything.  I try to be encouraging and positive, but I know my words do not help… nothing will.  Deep down being with you all the time pains me.  I sometimes wish I weren’t always by your side, constantly there for you.  I wish I was selfish the first day I planned on coming and stayed at home instead.  But I know this probably would’ve happened anyway; it’s how love manipulates us: we can’t hide from it.  I know one day you probably won’t even remember who I am, so what’s the point of coming anymore?  I don’t even know why I try so hard to visit you, when every time I see you it brings me grief; might as well stay in school.  I don’t even know what my life is anymore.  What do I do besides being with you? Where do I spend my free time? But I do know this: I sit everyday by your side, watching you helplessly, because I love you.

September 25th

Why can’t everything go back to normal? It was perfect before all this happened.  I was for once a normal kid.  I had friends, got good grades, played sports, was learning to drive, and all the other things teenagers do, but of course that couldn’t last.  Something had to destroy my “perfect” life…  I can’t say that my current situation was a mistake, it was bound to happen, but it’s slowly destroying me.  Everytime I go to school (maybe once every two weeks) I get questioned.  It’s like I’m a criminal with the police asking me all sorts of questions, trying to figure out if I’m guilty.  Did I murder someone without knowing?  I don’t need every single person in the school asking me if I’m okay, because I’m really not.  I say I’m okay, but no one knows what I’m going through; how much this is destroying my life.  I constantly think about you.  I sit in class thinking about what will happen to you, I can’t even concentrate on what I’m learning.  And then I think about what will happen when I return: what changed? Is there any news?  I always hope that I’m not too late… Not being with you when you depart will leave me with constant regret.  I don’t know how I’ll get my life back to normal once you leave.  School is not the place I want to be; feeling like a criminal 24/7 is not what I want to deal with.  I can’t live on my own because being a high school dropout won’t grant me very many job opportunities.  And I can’t stay alone, by myself, not in touch with anyone, isolated forever…

December 09th

You have left me here in this world today.  I’m all alone without any purpose.  I know you are better off in your new home, but I can’t handle it right now…

December 25th    
When you were here…   
When you were here   
You brought joy to my heart,  
I knew you loved me a lot.  
       
When you were here      
I knew I was safe,     
In a place I wouldn’t fall.  

 
When you were here     
I loved you with all my heart,
You took up all my time.    
     
When you were gone   
I knew you loved us all     
and the time was up…

January 09th

I am Lost

I don't know where I belong

I don't know who I am.

I'm in an endless void of grief,

There's no sight of hapiness,

Everyday is the same,

Nothing new ever happens.

I don't want to do anything.

I have lost something important...

now there's no need for me here.

January 16th

I can't wait until all my grief is gone.  It's all just bottled up inside.  I don't have anyone to talk to.  All my friends have moved on.  I am alone...

January 20th

I'm sorry for anyone that I've hurt... or anyone I'm going to hurt...

Please note that it was my only way to escape...

January 25th

Everything's set.  It's all planned out.  I know exactly what to do and where I have to go.  Let's do this.