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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
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LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1985 comments.

realbeautifulheart PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 15 2012 at 6:33 pm
realbeautifulheart PLATINUM, Livermore, California
21 articles 1 photo 53 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Life is a package that you have to sign for. Yes, it's free. No, there's no guarantee as to what it holds. Open with caution, it's 'FRAGILE'." (I made this up.)

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Hahahahaha nice
Journey_Foreigner_QuietRiot_Poison_Queen BRONZE said...
on Apr. 15 2012 at 2:23 am
Journey_Foreigner_QuietRiot_Poison_Queen BRONZE, South El Monte, California
1 article 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"'You love me. Real or not real?' 'Real'" -Hunger Games Peeta & Katniss

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I Loved it. It Made me Laugh
Pleaselisten said...
on Apr. 14 2012 at 8:58 am
Pleaselisten, Worthington, Ohio
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia."

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This is AMAZING!! I write plays all the time, but lately I've had a severe case of writers block. Is it okay if I do this at my schools talent show?
disasterdominant13 SILVER said...
on Apr. 13 2012 at 7:56 am
disasterdominant13 SILVER, West Mifflin, Pennsylvania
8 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Be good and be lonesome." -Mark Twain
"It's either okay, or it'll be okay." -my father
"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex; it takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction." -Albert Eins

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i applaud this author. BRAVO. lol a peice of comical genius.
Logan_Elizabeth28 BRONZE said...
on Apr. 12 2012 at 8:08 pm
Logan_Elizabeth28 BRONZE, Willard, Ohio
4 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
Just Promise Me You'll Think Of Me Everytime You Look Up In The Sky And See A Star
-Eminem
"You're The Beautiful One, It's Society That's Ugly"
-Marilyn Monroe
"Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock!"
-The Big Bang Theory

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Can I say this was freaking hilarious? I mean you pretty much summed up all four books, but added humor to it making it a pleasure for people with a sense of humor (Such as me) to read without becoming bored of it. Honestly, no one would ever be bored of this. It's too funny. Like I said before, very hilarious. Loved it. 2 Thumbs up! Keep writing :)

~Logan~

stillheartless PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 12 2012 at 5:23 pm
stillheartless PLATINUM, Eugene, Oregon
40 articles 0 photos 21 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love you. I love you. I send this message through my fingers and into his, up his arm and into his heart. Hear me. I love you. And I'm sorry to leave you." -Jenny Downham

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please.....MARRY ME!
Ms.PeytonLovesHP GOLD said...
on Apr. 11 2012 at 8:47 pm
Ms.PeytonLovesHP GOLD, Rancho Cordova, California
18 articles 0 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
“We are all a little weird and life is a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” - Doctor Seuss

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Luv this! <3 It's so FREAKING HILARIOUS! I hate Twilight, but this...... LMAO!!!! Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! (Double thumbs up, with a serious expression, trying not to ROFL inside)
Optimiste SILVER said...
on Apr. 10 2012 at 6:44 am
Optimiste SILVER, Fort Wayne, Indiana
9 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
And the chill of what I won't feel gnaws at my present heart.

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best story, everyone else go home.
troubledsoul said...
on Apr. 8 2012 at 11:30 am
troubledsoul, ., Other
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
“I'm battling monsters, I'm pulling you out of the burning buildings/ and you say I'll give you anything but you never come through.”

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AWESOME!!! :D
acorn1993 BRONZE said...
on Apr. 4 2012 at 6:31 pm
acorn1993 BRONZE, Timonium, Maryland
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments
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The sad thing is, this actually pretty accurately sums up ALL FOUR books...well done! I found this funny and, again, fairly accurate. I would have liked a few more details about the Volturi, though, since that was a major 'conflict' in the books (even if it was anti-climactic)!
butterfly123 said...
on Apr. 4 2012 at 12:04 am
butterfly123, Banglore, Other
0 articles 0 photos 408 comments
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AWESOME!!!!
hbrhr PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 3 2012 at 4:27 pm
hbrhr PLATINUM, Granville, Ohio
20 articles 0 photos 3 comments
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OMIGOD THIS IS FREAKIN HILARIOUS!
LittleSully GOLD said...
on Apr. 3 2012 at 3:38 pm
LittleSully GOLD, Elmwood Park, Illinois
11 articles 0 photos 43 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The course of true love never did love smooth." William Shakespeare

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Made me pee my pants! Pleeeaaaasssseeee write more!
Claire_baller PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 3 2012 at 2:38 pm
Claire_baller PLATINUM, Platteville, Wisconsin
40 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have left.
I Don't need easy, I just need possible.
10% luck 20% skill 15% concentrated power of will 5% pleasure 15% game and 100% reason to remember the name!

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LOL that was hillarious! XD your awsome LOL!
Zuccini75 BRONZE said...
on Apr. 3 2012 at 2:08 pm
Zuccini75 BRONZE, Chantilly, Virginia
1 article 0 photos 48 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and let people wonder, than telling them yourself."
-Myself

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I didn't like Twilight Saga at all but this was HILARIOUS! It is a good summary for anyone who doesn't want to suffer over the real books :)
NinjaSherlock SILVER said...
on Apr. 3 2012 at 1:19 pm
NinjaSherlock SILVER, Sandy, Utah
6 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Cats are like tattoos. First you get one, then another, and another, and another, and another. At first you love them, then you hate them and have to get rid of them with lasers."

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This is awesome!  I've never read the books or seen the movies, but this is way too funny to ignore!
AmazaynTia said...
on Mar. 29 2012 at 5:21 pm
AmazaynTia, New Orleans, Louisiana
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"Carpe Diem"

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Ha ha I love this <3
RamonaThePunkRocker GOLD said...
on Mar. 29 2012 at 1:09 pm
RamonaThePunkRocker GOLD, Henderson, Nevada
17 articles 0 photos 2 comments
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Haha! Love this! I hate twilight but i would be a die hard fan if this was the story/book!
PandaKid48 said...
on Mar. 24 2012 at 5:54 pm
PandaKid48, Novi, Michigan
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
"But we're not stupid. We know our names are Gred and Forge."

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Stephanie Meyer could have spared herself time, money, and haters, if only she had the forsight to see how much better her story would be shortened to this. XD
PoetryAngel14 PLATINUM said...
on Mar. 24 2012 at 4:57 pm
PoetryAngel14 PLATINUM, Ithaca, New York
26 articles 0 photos 53 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Dare to be imperfect and one day there will tug at your sleeve a soulmate." ~Robert Brault
"Life is like riding a bicycle - in order to keep your balance, you must keep moving." ~Albert Einstein

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that would so be the best movie ever. someone make it!!