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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1986 comments.

Adnama BRONZE said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 9:29 am
Adnama BRONZE, Sidney, Iowa
4 articles 0 photos 9 comments
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I laugh at this everytime I read it.  It's good.  You should do something like this to another movie or movie series.
Mgrobinson said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 7:22 am
Mgrobinson, Gainesville, Georgia
0 articles 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
Be the change you wish to see in the world- ghandi <br /> Be the potter, not the clay.- me <br /> Love is like pi, natural, irrational, and never ending

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this is hillarious! Please write more! I loved this article! Amazing job!
princess yui said...
on Nov. 22 2011 at 2:29 pm
Hey!this was freaking hilarious!!!!!LOL!Write more!!!Plus dis is all REZ!!!
Overkill SILVER said...
on Nov. 22 2011 at 2:26 pm
Overkill SILVER, Gallup, New Mexico
6 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
Killing Perfection<br /> The secret to sucess is constancy of purpose

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Oh gods this is freaking funny! And the part where Bella is shot had me laughing outloud! Ha. :)
Loserrr122 GOLD said...
on Nov. 21 2011 at 7:21 pm
Loserrr122 GOLD, Belgrade, Montana
10 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
I reject your reality and substitute my own!

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This cracked me up, I could see this happening.
cantdeleteaccounthelp said...
on Nov. 21 2011 at 1:45 pm
cantdeleteaccounthelp, Sey, West Virginia
0 articles 0 photos 64 comments
View profile
Very funny! Nice drama adaptation! :P
matador BRONZE said...
on Nov. 19 2011 at 10:01 pm
matador BRONZE, Hereford, Texas
1 article 0 photos 16 comments
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aahhh!!! Frickin' awesome!!! I like the booksd to a point, but this is fsome funny stuff!!!!!
Wintergrl7 GOLD said...
on Nov. 19 2011 at 4:20 pm
Wintergrl7 GOLD, Hopkinton, Massachusetts
19 articles 3 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.<br /> &mdash;William Arthur Ward<br /> The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance; it is the illusion of knowledge.<br /> &mdash;Daniel J. Boorstin

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I scrolled down to see if there was even ONE negative comment, but there are soooo many, I got bored:) It just shows how great this is! Super funny, please write more!!!
selahoverrated GOLD said...
on Nov. 18 2011 at 6:53 pm
selahoverrated GOLD, Mt Sidney, Virginia
11 articles 0 photos 43 comments
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i love the[ jacob face palms]
JLS137 BRONZE said...
on Nov. 17 2011 at 2:35 pm
JLS137 BRONZE, Dexter, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 4 comments
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...You did leave out the Vulteri. Funny, though!
Audrey2 BRONZE said...
on Nov. 16 2011 at 7:28 pm
Audrey2 BRONZE, Germantown, Maryland
1 article 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I love you, master.&quot;

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Ha! That was amazing! I like the Twilight books but Edward and Bella make me sick to my stomach.
karate12 said...
on Nov. 15 2011 at 11:25 am

I know right

 

SeizeTheDay SILVER said...
on Nov. 14 2011 at 4:13 pm
SeizeTheDay SILVER, Cleveland Heights, Ohio
7 articles 0 photos 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
Carpe Diem (Seize the day).

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Hahahahaha! I love the Twilight series, but this is HILARIOUS! Good job, keep writing :)
CorrinaElisabeth said...
on Nov. 12 2011 at 3:08 pm
CorrinaElisabeth, Eatonville, Washington
0 articles 0 photos 22 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;No man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without even noticing it.&quot; ~C.S.Lewis

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I loved it! I'm sorry for those Twilight-lovers, but I personally can't stand the series. This article made me laugh!
BluBliss GOLD said...
on Nov. 11 2011 at 6:54 pm
BluBliss GOLD, New York, New York
14 articles 0 photos 161 comments

Favorite Quote:
Bella&#039;s love for Edward was like, &quot;Omg. He&#039;s hot. He&#039;s mine because he sparkles. Now I&#039;ll brood the wholle book while I&#039;m with him.&quot;

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"I think she meant bite me." "oh." LOL!
LifeIsPoetry PLATINUM said...
on Nov. 10 2011 at 10:28 am
LifeIsPoetry PLATINUM, Kapowsin, Washington
33 articles 0 photos 48 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.&quot; <br /> &ndash; Mother Teresa

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HAHA!! This is fantastic! I am sitting in class right now, and my friends and I are laughing so loud at your article... You should do more parodies!
KatyPie97 GOLD said...
on Nov. 10 2011 at 10:24 am
KatyPie97 GOLD, Eatonville, Washington
14 articles 0 photos 19 comments

Favorite Quote:
We&#039;re going to need a bigger boat

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HOLY COW!! this was so hilarious and awesome! please write more!

 

artfullymade14 BRONZE said...
on Nov. 10 2011 at 9:34 am
artfullymade14 BRONZE, Chesapeak, Virginia
2 articles 5 photos 41 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Live as if you&#039;ll die tomorrow, dream as if you&#039;ll live forever.&quot;<br /> -Unknown Author

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Im a huge twilight fan and this was hilarious :) I think I just might film this with my friends for fun :) and the edward "Oops" part was the best
Zeeny PLATINUM said...
on Nov. 9 2011 at 8:32 am
Zeeny PLATINUM, Staten Island, New York
37 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;When someone truly cares about you, they make an effort not an excuse&quot;

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This story was actually hilarious. Please write more. I absolutely love it
Paradise_Lost BRONZE said...
on Nov. 8 2011 at 1:48 pm
Paradise_Lost BRONZE, Mountville, Pennsylvania
2 articles 6 photos 47 comments

Favorite Quote:
But paradise is locked and bolted; we must make a journey around the world to see if the back door has, perhaps, been left open.<br /> <br /> Swearing is the last refuge of the imaginitively bankrupt.

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You know, everytime I come back to reread this, I think it will lose it's humor on me...

 

Nope.