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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1986 comments.

iamlordvoldemort said...
on Sep. 12 2010 at 7:29 am
this is epic!! whens the next showing ;D
R.A.Masena SILVER said...
on Sep. 11 2010 at 3:20 pm
R.A.Masena SILVER, Madison, Wisconsin
5 articles 0 photos 3 comments
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Hahaha! yep thats basically it lol (and your ideas and writing were a LOT better than Stephanie Meyers.)
Fnicklover13 said...
on Sep. 11 2010 at 2:55 pm
This is hilarious! Three times funnier than watching someone destroy a Twilight book and watch half the crowd cheer and the other half cry!
ellie315 GOLD said...
on Sep. 11 2010 at 10:36 am
ellie315 GOLD, South Pasadena, California
10 articles 0 photos 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything.&quot; -- William Shakespeare

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haha this is ridiculous! SO FUNNY!

check out my work? thanks!

wishing-for-a-sail BRONZE said...
on Sep. 10 2010 at 12:32 pm
wishing-for-a-sail BRONZE, SouthBoston, Virginia
1 article 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Sometimes imagination makes things out far worse than they are; yet without imagination not much can be done.&quot; -- Winston Churchill

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all i can say is XD
plush doll said...
on Sep. 9 2010 at 10:21 pm
LoL nice :)
Arcaeynn SILVER said...
on Sep. 9 2010 at 7:42 pm
Arcaeynn SILVER, Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania
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&quot;The only thing we&#039;re allowed to do is hope that we won&#039;t regret the decision we made.&quot;

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Wow. I'm not a fan of the Twilight series at all, but I've gotta say. You nailed it. But seriously, there are so many other media (TV, books, etc) that are so similar to Twilight. It's quite confusing.
Lost In Laughter said...
on Sep. 9 2010 at 5:43 pm
I cant breathe that is so funny !!!
pinkypromise23 PLATINUM said...
on Sep. 9 2010 at 2:20 pm
pinkypromise23 PLATINUM, Cranston, Rhode Island
30 articles 0 photos 412 comments

Favorite Quote:
i know that you believe you understand what you think i said, but im not sure you realize that what you heard is not what i meant.

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haha that was soo funnyyy(:
BishopKynagos BRONZE said...
on Sep. 8 2010 at 8:33 pm
BishopKynagos BRONZE, East Covenant, Other
1 article 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;As you see, along with grand theft auto, lying isn&#039;t on my list of crimes&quot;<br /> -by me.

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chwow...amazingly accurate, the way i see it. So why don't I jump into the twilight series and re-write it? Just search Universal Covenant.
alexis2015 BRONZE said...
on Sep. 7 2010 at 4:48 pm
alexis2015 BRONZE, Winter Haven, Florida
1 article 0 photos 5 comments
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OMG tht was ha-halarious
Lilacs_Smell_Wonnerful PLATINUM said...
on Sep. 3 2010 at 9:08 pm
Lilacs_Smell_Wonnerful PLATINUM, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
40 articles 2 photos 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
When life gives you lemons make grape juice. Then sit back and watch everyone look at you in amazement. :)

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Even though this was kinda a dig at Twilight, and I actually like the series, I have to say that this was HILARIOUS! rotfl dude! Hee hee. I loved the sarcasm that was everywhere.

-Lilac

xxGlitterxx said...
on Sep. 1 2010 at 9:51 am
xxGlitterxx, Doha, Other
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Success makes so many people hate you. I wish it wasn&#039;t that way. It would be wonderful to enjoy success without seeing envy in the eyes of those around you.&quot; <br /> &mdash; Marilyn Monroe

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I'm a HUGE Twi-hard and I was talking about Twilight for about 5 months straight! I still do and what I love about it is the "romance and thrills" I loved the series and this short play actually captured most of the main points! Good Job!!!
spiritualrevelationrevealspainandrevolution PLATINUM said...
on Aug. 30 2010 at 11:15 pm
spiritualrevelationrevealspainandrevolution PLATINUM, Eugene, Oregon
23 articles 0 photos 212 comments
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yes!i havnt read a page of the twilight series but i still saw vampires suck, and i love this cuz now ill never have to read the books!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stingray18 BRONZE said...
on Aug. 30 2010 at 9:26 pm
Stingray18 BRONZE, Yorktown, New York
2 articles 0 photos 7 comments
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Omg u totally got the whole concept of twilight.Except where the twilight series was intense and passionate, u made it funny and light. Good job!
Phantom_Girl GOLD said...
on Aug. 28 2010 at 3:32 pm
Phantom_Girl GOLD, Ft. Carson, Colorado
14 articles 0 photos 279 comments

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&quot;If it comes out of the lion&#039;s mouth...it will be on the test.&quot;<br /> -Mr. Bala

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Yay for Twilight hate!
SamiLynn PLATINUM said...
on Aug. 28 2010 at 12:41 pm
SamiLynn PLATINUM, Anthem, Arizona
20 articles 9 photos 137 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The unexamined life is not worth living.&quot; ~Socrates

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I must say, I was one of those crazy teens in love with this series, and I think I'm going to watch Vampires Suck but this was very hilarious :D
PearlWhiteNight BRONZE said...
on Aug. 27 2010 at 9:31 pm
PearlWhiteNight BRONZE, No, Pennsylvania
3 articles 7 photos 23 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.&quot; -Mark Twain

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lawl, totally agree!
PearlWhiteNight BRONZE said...
on Aug. 27 2010 at 9:30 pm
PearlWhiteNight BRONZE, No, Pennsylvania
3 articles 7 photos 23 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.&quot; -Mark Twain

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I do like Twilight, but I thought this was hilarious. And so true.
MumblingMelanie DIAMOND said...
on Aug. 26 2010 at 6:50 am
MumblingMelanie DIAMOND, Jackson, Missouri
79 articles 0 photos 210 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don&#039;t be a victim; be a titan.

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Hehe, I like it! Maybe not very original, but definitely cute and funny.

Nicely done! :D