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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1986 comments.

Rose19 said...
on Mar. 5 2010 at 7:14 am
lol.. awesome !!
MusicIsLife013 SILVER said...
on Mar. 4 2010 at 5:57 pm
MusicIsLife013 SILVER, New York, New York
6 articles 0 photos 43 comments

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&quot;Light, like the flutter of wings, feel your hollow voice rushing into me<br /> As you&#039;re longing to sing&quot; -AFI<br /> <br /> &quot;Here we go again, I kinda wanna be more than friends, so take it easy on me I&#039;m afraid you&#039;re never satisfied.&quot; -Neon Trees

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that was the funniest thing ever!!!! :)
besticanbe SILVER said...
on Mar. 4 2010 at 5:48 pm
besticanbe SILVER, Edison, New Jersey
7 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;There is no substitute for hard work.&quot;<br /> -Thomas A. Edison

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Hilarious. great job
paperflowers said...
on Mar. 3 2010 at 2:56 pm
paperflowers, Imaginary, Indiana
0 articles 0 photos 176 comments
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I like twilight - don't love it or hate it, and this was really funny! especially since I mis-read 'minutes' as 'minuets' and had this mental image of some people dancing two minuets during the play...
xenon333 PLATINUM said...
on Mar. 3 2010 at 5:52 am
xenon333 PLATINUM, Billerica, Massachusetts
42 articles 0 photos 150 comments
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that was hilarious!!!! definitely going in my favorites!!
live.laugh.spaz GOLD said...
on Mar. 2 2010 at 5:44 am
live.laugh.spaz GOLD, Singapore, Singapore, Other
11 articles 11 photos 32 comments

Favorite Quote:
laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects

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this is SO FUNNNY xD :) you should really make a movie with this....its HILARIOUS ;D
BradTastic17 GOLD said...
on Feb. 28 2010 at 3:18 pm
BradTastic17 GOLD, Russell, Other
12 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
I just ate an entire box of Lucky Charms cereal and I swear to god I can see into the future. ~Kurt Hummel

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Wow, so funny! I love how even in this small excerpt of the saga, Edward had more personality than he did in the actual books. Thanks for the laugh.
redcg416 SILVER said...
on Feb. 28 2010 at 11:48 am
redcg416 SILVER, Parker, Colorado
7 articles 0 photos 18 comments

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This was so true and halarious. It was awsome even to a die-hard Twilight fan like me.
kiwi12 PLATINUM said...
on Feb. 27 2010 at 10:03 pm
kiwi12 PLATINUM, Austin, Texas
28 articles 10 photos 365 comments
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YESSSSS!!!!!
DancingAtMidnight SILVER said...
on Feb. 26 2010 at 9:31 pm
DancingAtMidnight SILVER, Lebanon, Indiana
8 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Love is given, not earned.&quot;

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lol amazing! I love the Twilight series but this is still funny! :D
--LoveHappens-- said...
on Feb. 25 2010 at 5:49 pm
--LoveHappens--, Fairfield, Connecticut
0 articles 0 photos 342 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;A friend is someone who knows you, but loves you anyway&quot;

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That was so funny, thanking for giving Twilight Humor
Dkeg012 said...
on Feb. 24 2010 at 1:29 pm
I'm still laughing. Way better than the book!
heryearningloveforhatred GOLD said...
on Feb. 23 2010 at 10:28 pm
heryearningloveforhatred GOLD, Wyckoff, New Jersey
15 articles 0 photos 6 comments
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Hilarious! Loved it :)
lh42195 SILVER said...
on Feb. 23 2010 at 10:02 pm
lh42195 SILVER, Lemont, Illinois
5 articles 0 photos 3 comments
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I think I probally laughed throughout this whole thing! I especially liked when Edward shoots Bella. In my opinion, that would have been a better ending than the actual saga. :)
RunningRogue SILVER said...
on Feb. 23 2010 at 8:45 pm
RunningRogue SILVER, Nowhere, North Carolina
6 articles 2 photos 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.<br /> But I have promises to keep,<br /> And miles to go before I sleep,<br /> And miles to go before I sleep.<br /> - R.F.

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God, this is awesome!

The only thing that would've made it better is if you stuck the part about the giant huskies rushing into the rescue . . . and then the Volturi just running away so everyone had nothing to do. XD
sasssgirrrl22 PLATINUM said...
on Feb. 23 2010 at 8:34 pm
sasssgirrrl22 PLATINUM, Pearl River, New York
27 articles 0 photos 266 comments

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lol! i didnt hav any idea wht this was at first but then it made more sense as it went on. ha very good
musiclover114 SILVER said...
on Feb. 23 2010 at 7:39 pm
musiclover114 SILVER, Woodstock, Georgia
7 articles 0 photos 82 comments

Favorite Quote:
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i used to love twilight but realized how awful it was-vampires dont sparkle-i loved this article!!!!!!! really really funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
musiclover114 SILVER said...
on Feb. 23 2010 at 7:32 pm
musiclover114 SILVER, Woodstock, Georgia
7 articles 0 photos 82 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life isn&#039;t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.<br /> <br /> born an original, why die a copy?

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omg i loved that i used to love twilight but then i realized how gay it is and that soooooooo sums up the twilight saga!!!!!!!!!!!!! loved it
PeacePerson said...
on Feb. 23 2010 at 7:30 pm
PeacePerson, Prescott, Arizona
0 articles 0 photos 63 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Be the change you want to see in the world.&quot; ~Mahatma Gandhi

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I'm not a big fan of Twilight at all, but I read the 1st book, and heard about the rest -- you summed it up PERFECTLY.
lalaj94 GOLD said...
on Feb. 23 2010 at 6:09 pm
lalaj94 GOLD, Oldenburg, Indiana
19 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
At the center of all arrogance, especially regarding art, is a naivity beyond words or brushstrokes. -I said it

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haha! i used to be obsessed with the twilight saga and now i have it pretty controlled bur i have to say i loved this! i does pretty much sum up the saga...