There she was sitting in the cafe, sipping on her coffee with another girl. The girl looked younger than me; she was probably around 12 years old. I watched them laugh and talk, while deciding what I should do. Thoughts were running in my mind a hundred miles per hour as if I were a racecar. ​Should I approach them? Or is it better for me to just go back home?

.   . .

“I’ll race you home!” screamed my little sister Abbey as she was two houses away from ours. I pick her up everyday from school since my dad is always busy with the little ones at home. I come home and I hear my older brother Dylan screaming at my little brother who is six years old to be quiet so he can take a study for his midterm exam. Dylan is currently a sophomore in college and is my biological brother. Abbey and my little brother Jack are my step siblings. We all live with my dad and my stepmom, who is basically my mom, since my biological mom left before I was even a year old. The house smelled like chicken. My mom was making dinner; she was making chicken and potatoes. ​Mhmm! So delicious I can almost taste that chicken breast in the air!​

It was finally Friday and I had plans with my friends to go shopping at the mall for spring break clothes. My family and my friends, Mogan’s and Eva’s families’ were all going to Florida together. It was only about forty days away and we could not be more excited. Morgan and Eva are my best friends. I ended up buying three pairs of swimsuits, three dresses, and pair of shorts, and three shirts. Everyone tells me I have a shopping problem. I love shopping!

.   . .

The day has finally come! It was time for our vacation! We were all packed and my

brother drove us to the airport. He did not want to go since he was going to the Bahamas with his friends. We arrived at the airport in Florida and went to the house we all rented. All of the families were together in one house so I was able to be with my best friends all day long. The house was a mansion; it was huge! The luxurious bathrooms were literally the size of my room! It had seven bedrooms, four bathrooms, a family room, a living room, a dining room, and an enormous kitchen, which my mom loved. My mom wanted to spend majority of the time making food because she loves cooking. She always makes desserts for us or some new specialities. We spent majority of the days at the beach and towards the night we would go out as if we were all one enormous family.

After seeing how happy everyone was at the beach, I had an urge for something. Dylan told me a story of how our mom taught him how to swim while they were on vacation. Dylan was scared of the water at first so that was one of the memories Dylan vividly remembers of our mom. Thinking about this made me sad all of the sudden. I always wondered about my mom and wanted to know why she left. That was basically the only story I know about her. I ask Dylan about her all the time since he remembers her more than me but he always avoids the topic, pretending that he is too busy with something else. I think it frustrates him since he remembers when she left. When I was younger my dad would tell us she had to move away to take care of something and then was not able to come back. As I was getting older I knew this was not true and I always wondered about the real truth.

“Hey guys,” I uttered to my friends that night when we were in our room.

“What’s up Amanda?” asked Morgan.

“I started thinking and I want to find my mom.”

Morgan and Eva stared at each other and then looked at me with shocked expressions.

“Where did this come from?” asked Eva.

“I don’t know. Seeing everyone today at the beach just triggered something. I just want to experience what Abbey and Jack feel. Although, their mom is my mom too, I just feel like it’s not the same. I am very thankful for her though. She was always my mom and took me in as her own. She has never separated me from Abbey and Jack, but I don’t know. Maybe I am just tired now and will feel differently about this tomorrow.”

“Maybe you should talk to your dad about this. You are older now, you can understand it more so he could possibly tell you more about her and why she left,” said Eva. Mogan nodded her head in agreement.

“I try talking to him about it. He just tells me my mom would love me so much if she knew me and that I look just like her.”

My dad once told me I get my beautiful eyes from my mom; “blue as the sky on a sunny day” he would say. “Okay I will try talking to Dylan about this when we get back. Right now I want to relax and have a fun time with you guys.”

“Okay, but if you need anything, you know you can count on Eva and I.” Replied Morgan.

.   . .

We came back from vacation on Saturday night. Dylan left soon after we came to go out with friends. I didn’t have a chance to talk to him about our mom. I decided to go shower and start unpacking. As I was doing so, thoughts raced through my mind. ​Should I even try finding her? Maybe I will get more hurt than it will benefit me. What if she doesn’t want to see me? What if she doesn’t care about me? If she cared about me, even a little, she would have tried to reach out. She knows I’m older now, I can handle whatever the reason was that caused her to leave. All of these thoughts made me unsure of what I wanted to do next. At this point, I didn’t even know if I should confront Dylan about this. I quit unpacking and went to bed. I needed to clear my mind.

The next morning, I woke up with my dad waking all of us up saying it’s time for breakfast. We all got up and raced to the bathroom. I came outside of my room and smelled the delicious chocolate chip pancakes. Once again, I could literally taste the soft buttery pancakes in in the hallway. I went downstairs and sat in my usual spot at the table. I poured maple syrup on my pancakes and it slowly flowed down the stack of pancakes and made a pool of syrup at the bottom of the stack. I took a bite and the combination of the pancakes and syrup made my mouth water. ​It was so good. ​After breakfast, I helped clean up the table. As I was doing so I asked my mom what she knew about my biological mom.

“Amanda, I know you would like to know more about your mom but I do not know. I’m sorry. I know she would have been proud of you for becoming such a smart girl.”

“I want to figure out why she left. Don’t get me wrong, I love you so much and appreciate you! I call you my mom and I will always call you my mom even if my biological mom became a part of my life. You helped my dad raise both my brother and I and took great care of us.” I look over and I see her eyes becoming watery. A few seconds later, a tear or two starts running down her soft rosey cheeks.

“Thank you Amanda. I love you so much, words can’t even explain.”

I went upstairs and started watching Netflix. I watched an episode of Gossip Girl. I became obsessed with the show even after watching three episodes of the first season. I am currently on episode eight of season one. After the episode finished, I went into Dylan’s room.

“Dylan have you ever thought about looking for mom?”

“There were times I have thought about her, but then I realize what’s the point. If she cared about us or wanted to see us she would have tried contacting us. Why?”

“Lately, I have been thinking and I want to try finding her. I want to figure out why she left. Whenever I ask dad he would just say she had to take care of something and wasn’t able to come back. I am in high school now, I can handle the truth.”

“I know. That’s what I have been told. Maybe they're just trying to protect us. The real reason might hurt us.”

“Would you be want to go look for her?” I asked. There was a moment of silence. I could tell he was thinking about it.

“I really don't know Amanda. As much as I want to look for her, I don’t. It just gets me mad that she hasn’t reached out to us at all. You don’t remember her, but I do. I loved her, it was so unexpected for her to leave. I had so many memories with both of them together and when you were born too. She loved you so much when you were a baby, I remember that as if it were yesterday. How about this, if you really want to, you can look for her, I won’t say no, but as of now, I don’t want to know a lot about the situation. If you need something from me I am willing to help, I’m here for you Amanda.”

I smiled. Dylan and I get along majority of the time. I know I can always count on him even though he can be annoying at times. I went to get a photo album to look at pictures from when I was a baby. I went back downstairs and confronted my dad about it. I told him I needed to talk. I explained to him that I am interested in finding out who my mom was. After a while, I began begging telling him this is the only thing I want right now. He finally told me there was a chance he can help me find her. My dad told me he will try contacting her for me to meet me. With all the mixed emotions: happy, scared, nervous, and sad, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I walked up to my dad and just gave him a hug. This may be either one of the best or worst days of my life.

.   . .

About a week after, my dad came to my room telling me he got in contact with my mom. “She lives in Chicago. It’s not to far from here. At first, she wasn’t sure if it was time for you to see her since she feels disappointed for leaving and doesn’t want to hurt you more, but she said if that is what you really want she can make it work.”

“So what now? What do you think I should do right now?”

“Amanda if this is what you really want, go ahead. I just don’t want you to get hurt and regret everything. I’m sorry but I wanted to protect you all of these years, so I may have not told you everything as it was. I believe it is her story to tell first; I just don’t know if it’s the story you want to hear. I haven’t had contact with her so I do not know how she is living her life right now.”

There was a long pause until I was able to spit some words out of my mouth. “I’m willing to meet her to hear her story even if I end up hurt. I don’t want to live my life without knowing who my actual mom is.”

Later that day, I talked to Dylan to see if he wanted to go meet her since we were able to contact her. He wasn’t quite ready to talk to her yet. I completely understood where he was coming from. I think it hurt him the most out of all of us with her leaving.

.   . .

The day has come and my dad took me to Chicago. My mom was going to meet me in a

cafe. I wanted to go in on my own so my dad stayed in the car. I walked in the cafe; it was colorful with beautiful bright flower drawing on the walls. The chairs were white and modern with circle tables in between them. I saw her sitting near the window with another girl. They were laughing at each other; they looked like they were having a great time.​ Is that another child of hers? Did she start another family without us?​ I did not know what to think and was debating whether or not I should go up to them or book it back to the car. I decided to go to them. As soon as I took a step she looked up and saw me. She recognized me. She smiled and stood up. I came up to them and she put out her arms to hug me.

“Hi Amanda, how are you? Oh you look so grown up!” She exclaimed.

“I’m good.” I said as I was taking a seat.

“This is Kayla, my other daughter.”

So she did have another family.​ I waved and tried to smile. I wanted to be respectful but

part of me was absolutely furious. She asked me about school and my brother. She asked why he didn’t come and I lied and said he went to the Bahamas with his friends even though he didn’t leave yet. I didn’t want to tell her that he didn’t want to see her. Kayla went to the bathroom and to get a croissant and my mom started explaining why she left.

“Amanda, I’m sorry that I left you, Dylan, and your father. I really didn’t want to leave you guys but it was for the best.”

What could possibly be reason that is the best for us?

“When you were a little girl, your dad and I had problems. I made a mistake and cheated on your dad. I ended up pregnant.”

There was a long pause. I stared at her. I didn’t know what to say. How is this for the best? I wonder. She cheated on my dad. We could have been a happy family together.

“I know you are thinking how is this the best for you and Dylan, but I didn’t want your dad to be stuck in this relationship and I wanted him to live a happy life so I let him free. This was hard for me too. I am very sorry that it all ended up like this Amanda.”

“Well thanks for telling me I guess.” I said as I was barely able to get words out of my mouth. Just as we finished the conversation Kayla came back. I didn’t want to hear anymore, I wanted to go back home. “I’m going to start heading out, thanks for meeting with me.” I stood up.

“I hope you can forgive me sometime. I will always love both you and Dylan.” She reached out to give me a hug again. I didn’t want to hug her... I didn’t even want to look at her right now. I was irritated and disappointed. I said bye and walked out.

I went back to the car and was ready to burst into tears. My dad asked me if I was okay, I was far from okay but I just nodded my head. We drove back in silence. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. We arrived home and I ran upstairs. As soon as I stepped into my room tears started rolling down my red, burning cheeks. Maybe everyone was right, maybe I shouldn’t have gone to meet her. I feel relieved that I finally found out the reason but this is not the reason I wanted to hear.

A few minutes later, Dylan came into my room and asked how it went. I told him what happened. He told me, “This is exactly why I didn’t want to find out. To me this makes the representation of her even worse. I wanted to forgive her for leaving but hearing this makes me never want to do anything related to her. Why would she do this? They were so happy! I remember this as it happened yesterday.”

“I don’t want to do deal with anything that relates to her. She is not my mom, Anne is. She was there from the beginning. She treated me as if she gave birth to me. I love her so much! She is my mom and always will be.”

“I agree,” Dylan said with nodding his head.

.   . .

I woke up the next morning and I finally had to courage to talk about it with me dad. He agreed with her by saying the story is true. I decided to not think about it anymore and that I didn’t want to start a relationship with her. Possibly, in the future I might be able to forgive her and start talking to her, but now I didn’t want to do anything. I continued on with my live: going to school, hanging out with my friends, and spending time with my family. Life was perfect; couldn't be any better!