Bruises are like family hickeys. Painful marks of love. But this purple type of love took me a long time to understand and deal with because there are so many different shades of purple. 

There is the purple that covers the walls of my room because it was my favorite color.

light lavender

walls

butterfly wings 

But there are also the deep brooding purples. 

Red veins

Bursting under cold skin 

oceans of dark ink

How could both of these shades be one color? The woman whose arrival back home made me anxious was the same one who quietly sensed my stress and did my least favorite chores for me. It confused me. I felt like she did not love me. I took the brunt of her anger. My mother’s favoritism of my sister is understandable because my sister is so wonderful. But it was so blatant.

I began to lash back, at least internally. Many times I would run into the lavender room crying angry tears with bruises blossoming under my clothes. Two kinds of purple in one room, on one child. 

 I grew up familiar with anger, both mine and hers. My anger was as sharply biting as the words she flung at me and as deep as the wells of pooling blood she left on me. But so was my love for her. And so was her love for me. 

I have to remember that my mom does love me. I have to remember that the ugly purples are not my fault, but hers. She just does not know how to deal with her emotions, but I can deal with mine. I deal with the angry red by trying to be blue, trying to remain calm. I reframe the situation in my mind. If she is yelling at me, it’s because she had a bad day. I’m not a bad daughter, despite what she screams at me. I tell myself she will not be happy if I move out. 

I do not let our relationship become red; I try to keep it purple.

Gentle blue waves lapping

at spills of blood

purple 

heart, of a wounded veteran

Our relationship will never be simple or relaxing, but it is purple. A complex, confusing purple.

Our love is the crescendo of 

classical music. 

Cautious calm. 

dust over violets

The last few seconds of a misty sunset.