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Her Eyes Were Green
The door slammed with a loud smack, leaving an echo in the small room. This was detention, and a lucky detention at that. The monitor walked out, leaving the four high school seniors sitting alone. These four students had landed themselves in detention together. The detention sentence came as no shock; they had skipped half the day to go to breakfast. The girl sitting in the back corner of the room shaking and writing furiously in a tattered red notebook was Lily. She had opted to not sit at a desk, and appeared to much more prefer the floor. For the past hour Lily had sat in the corner, folded up with her knees pulled up to her chest, no shoes, comfortable in jeans and a tank top. Her long brown hair fell around her shoulders and she occasionally batted it away from her face as if it was an annoyance. She had not stopped writing and had burned through about three pages in that time.
Suddenly Elizabeth broke the silence of the room by snapping, “Lily! You have to stop writing! It’s driving me insane! Just finish it and let him read it already so we can all move on with our lives!”
Elizabeth was, for lack of a better term, Lily’s best friend. She always seemed to have something to say and was the queen of “unsolicited advice.” Her platinum blonde hair was perfect, as usual. She couldn’t bring herself to “bum it” at school in jeans and a normal t-shirt, she must always look her best. She pulled at her uncomfortably constricting purple dress shirt and tried to hit the boy sitting next to her.
“It’s all your fault we are in this stupid detention, Branden. I told you that if you were going to go out to breakfast with them, especially him, to take me home. That way I could go to school like a good responsible student, instead of gallivanting around with you miscreants.” Elizabeth sneered as she flashed a death glare at the two boys occupying the room.
The him referred to Jason. Tall and awkward, he sat in a desk close to Lily. He had been watching her almost the whole time. They had an odd relationship. He was Lily’s ex-boyfriend and Elizabeth hated every fiber of his being. Even more so now that Lily had dated him when she knew Elizabeth had liked Jason for a long time. Lily’s writing made Jason nervous. He knew what she was writing and worse, he knew it was about him. She had been writing this same letter for almost three weeks now and he knew the inevitable was coming; he would have to read it. Jason’s hand shook as he ran it through his short dark hair.
“Simmer down, Princess! It’s just a detention, not the end of the world!” Jason said. He quickly jumped out of his chair as he dodged three miscellaneous objects that were chucked across the room meant to stone him for that comment.
“I SWEAR, IF YOU SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME!” Both Lily and Branden screamed simultaneously.
Branden went over to Jason and smacked him on the back of the head. This was the usual ritual. Branden and Jason had been best friends since the fifth grade and Branden had known Elizabeth since third grade. He became really close to Lily when she was dating Jason, mostly because he was always the one fixing the situations that Jason messed up. Skinny, blonde, and gay, he was the glue to hold the quad together.
Lily let out a loud sigh as she closed her notebook and set it down. All eyes were suddenly on her.
“I finished it,” she stated simply in a voice much quieter than her normally outspoken self.
“I want to read it,” Elizabeth said as she reached for the notebook.
Lily snatched it back and held it close to her chest. “No, this needs to be between Jason and me only. If he reads it,” she said.
Jason got up and sat next to Lily on the floor. He whispered, “I want to read it.”
“No. Not yet.”
“Come on Lily! It’s not like we don’t have time! Give me the letter,” Jason said sternly as his ears turned red, an easy sign his anger was rising.
It was then that Jason looked at Lily, and his tone softened. Her eyes were bright blue. Lily’s eyes were a good indicator of her mood. She was scared, very. He always said her eyes were her best feature. They were an ice blue when she was plotting or mischievous, bright blue when she was scared, sad, or depressed and bright green when she was happy. When she was in love, they got a purple ring around the outside. Shaking, she handed the notebook to Jason and he leaned against the wall as he began to read. A tear streamed down Lily’s cheek.
I don’t know how to tell you everything, but I think you need to know. There are so many things I have wanted to say to you, but I wouldn’t let myself, I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m done with that now, I have to help me.
You hurt me, plain and simple. You hurt me badly and I still have not fully recovered.
He remembered how everything had started. They had a long history, but earlier in the year they started down the road of being “friends with benefits.” It was difficult; however; his mother hated Lily with a passion. She never gave a reason for this hatred; there had apparently been rumors that Lily had been promiscuous, but she started them. She had forbidden Jason to see Lily on numerous occasions, so they had to sneak around. She knew that Lily had been helping him with his “math homework” for the past few weeks, and she already wasn’t happy about it. This woman was just a completely insane, overprotective, and rude mother. Lily and Jason had only let Elizabeth and Branden in on what was going on when they were eventually cornered by both of them and interrogated.
We had to keep everything a secret, and I knew that. Eventually we became more brazen, began to show others that something was going on. We sat next to each other in class, before school in your car, occasionally holding hands. Then everything changed.
It was homecoming. Lily was going with some kid named Jimmy, and Jason didn’t like it. It was partially his fault though. He hadn’t asked her like he wanted to, but he still didn’t want her going with him, she was his. It actually made him sick to see them together. Jimmy wouldn’t take his hands off of Lily. Jason’s attempts to get her away from Jimmy at the dance had failed, but she was leaving for Florida that night and he had to see her. After the eighth phone call Lily finally answered.
“What? I just got rid of him. We need to talk.”
“I know we do, and I have to see you, NOW.” He said, the aggravation with the situation apparent in his voice.
“Where? I don’t have much time.”
“Our spot. Hurry.”
Jake and Lily sped into the deserted parking lot at the same time and their tires squealed as they franticly parked then jumped out of their cars into each other’s arms. They leaned against Jason’s car for a while hugging before either spoke.
“Jimmy tried to kiss me tonight,” Lily finally said.
“Please ignore him. I have something I need to say,” Jason whispered.
It was then that Lily saw Jason’s formerly heated gaze soften as his eyes met hers.
“I’ve been so wrong about everything. Ali isn’t the girl I should have been chasing; it’s been you all along. You have been there when no one else was, and you shouldn’t be. I have hurt you so much and I don’t deserve to still have you here, but you are the girl still standing in front of me. We were so wrong to think we could just keep hooking up; I think there is something more there. I feel more for you, and I know you feel the same way. I know it will be hard, but will you date me?” Jason rambled as his eyes filled with unshed tears.
“Yes!” Lily choked out.
It was then Jason noticed that her bright green eyes had a ring of purple around the edges and he remembered thinking it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He hugged her tighter before they got into his car.
Jason was pulled out suddenly from his daydream and he resumed reading Lily’s account from that night.
At that moment there was nothing I wanted more.
Jason thought back to that week Lily was in Florida. It was hell. The day they decided to date she had to leave and now he couldn’t see her. This just in, he couldn’t talk to her either. In an effort to keep them from talking, his disapproving mother had taken his phone, just in case they might be planning to elope or something crazy like that. Lily woke up early every morning to talk to Jason on Branden’s phone for a few minutes before school, but it wasn’t enough. Lily’s family had decided to extend their trip by two days. They had invited Jason and Branden out to dinner the night the family came back.
I was so happy to see you that day; I just wanted to give you a hug. We didn’t have time alone together that night, but we did the next day. We went to the park and that’s when we had our first kiss. That’s when it was real to me. We took the step from friends to something more. In the grand scheme of things though our actions didn’t change much, we maybe were more public with our affection and we kissed. We had to be careful though. We never actually went on a date, unless you count a few football games, but people were always with us, Elizabeth and Branden. I understood, but at the same time it hurt; a lot actually. There were times where I felt you were ashamed we were together because you always denied us. I sometimes questioned your motives and intentions. It still seemed like the physical part was a major fixture in our relationship. I wondered if that was why you stuck around.
Jason looked up from the letter to find Lily staring nervously at him, her bright blue eyes shining with tears. He couldn’t see her like that. He wanted her eyes to be that sparkling green again. He began reading again; page after page filled with a recount of their relationship. The more he read, the more difficult it was for him to keep reading. He didn’t realized how much pain Lily had kept inside. He didn’t want to keep reading. He wanted to just put the letter down and run away from it all. Jason was good at avoiding situations, and this sudden confrontation made him uncomfortable.
I knew it was ending. I knew something was wrong, but you wouldn’t talk to me. I ended up becoming more physical, it seemed like instinct to me, almost like I felt that in order to keep you that’s what I needed to do. Regardless, I was happy with you. People kept warning me, but I didn’t listen. I sacrificed a lot because I wanted to be with you. I gave up my really close friendship with Jake. He told me from the beginning that if I dated you, he couldn’t be around. He told me that you would hurt me again and he didn’t want to see that. He had given me his opinion on the matter and if I went against it, he couldn’t help me. He warned me so many times. I don’t think you ever realized how much of myself I gave up because I really liked you. I loved you.
“Lily, I--” Jason started.
“No. Don’t talk. If you are going to read it, just read.” Lily said sternly.
It was then that Jason noticed a printed out letter stuck into the pages of Lily’s writing. It was a letter from when Lily had been in Florida. Jake and his girlfriend Carrie, also a very close friend of Lily, had written it.
Jake just informed me that you are considering not only getting involved with Jason again, but dating him. It is in your best interest to tell him to back off. You deserve so much more than that arrogant brat. Please do not be angry that I am this blunt, but I really don’t want to see you get hurt again when I can do something to help you avoid it. Be strong, you can do it. Remember, we are in this together, we both got out of relationships and we are going to stay out of them. What he has to say might sound sincere, but remember, boys are actors, and stupid boys never change. It doesn’t get better, only worse. I know you’ve heard that a thousand times, but it’s true. Please listen to Jake and me, we both really care about you, and we will always be there for you!
Jason noticed the tone of the letter had completely changed. He braced himself for the wrath of Lily to come crashing down on him.
Ok, you know what? I was SO sick of hiding our relationship. Not that we could really hide it, everyone knew, but the fact that you never stopped denying really bothered me. I thought things had changed one night, we were at a party and you came up and kissed me in front of everyone, I was ecstatic. Elizabeth said it looked like you were staking claim over me. I thought you were ready to finally go public with our relationship. I loved just laying on the couch cuddling with you while we all talked. As amazing as that night was, it caused more problems. I could tell you were getting more distant and it really bothered me. I kept trying to talk to you about it, and you wouldn’t talk, you always avoided the subject. All I ever asked was that you were open and honest with me, but you wouldn’t even do that. Trying to have a conversation with you was like pulling teeth. It was like you didn’t even care that we were dating. Over break I once again relied on Branden. It actually got to the point where he knew more about how I was feeling than you did. You never saw me cry about you while we were together, but he did. I wish you would have tried to spend time with me over break, you could have, but you didn’t. When we finally broke up, I pretty much had to pull it out of you. You obviously didn’t even think you owed it to me to actually have a normal break up, no, I had to force it. I had to force you to break my heart. I felt used. I felt like you got what you wanted from me and then you left. I cried a lot. I think a part of what began to affect my eating was when I would get upset about you. You told me that I wasn’t capable of being loved by a guy. That you couldn’t love me and no one else would be able to either. Why did you stay around if you didn’t want me? You cheated on me, you cheated on Anne. She is like the rest of us; she will ignore all the warnings about you. We all ignored everything. It was so easy for you once it was over, right? It was easy for you to leave. I’M DONE.
Jason began shaking nervously as he continued reading. Tears clouded his vision as they ran down his cheeks. She knew. She had found out about his little secrets and she let everything go in this letter. Lily knew he cheated on her, and that he lied to her about it. He had felt guilty after the fact, but he never thought about how it would affect her. The pure, raw emotion she was showing him through her words said it all, she was done. A seemingly small chain of events had exploded into something much larger once reality hit.
Did I really hide everything that well? Did you honestly think that nothing was wrong with me? I managed to hide having my heart broken, an eating disorder, and as I just found out today, a pregnancy.
Jason stopped reading and snapped his head to Lily. The look of fear in his eyes told her exactly what he had just read and she couldn’t take it. Lily let the tears go, and for the first time in a long time she sobbed. Lily got up and went to the other side of the room. She couldn’t look at Jason. He had to finish it.
Jason had to make sure he read that last part correctly. Judging from Lily’s reaction, he was pretty sure he had. He suddenly felt sick to his stomach. He couldn’t have gotten her pregnant. He knew it was entirely possible, and plausible, but he didn’t know what to do.
That was the scariest moment of my life. They told me I was pregnant. The Doctor did an ultrasound too, the baby was so little. I was thirteen weeks along and they were just able to tell the sex. It was a girl. Oh my God, a girl, my girl, our girl. Then in the ultrasound they said I lost the baby. My weight loss in three months was too much to support a baby. I can’t help but think that God knew I couldn’t make this decision, so he had my body make it for me. I need you to be here for me. I’m dealing with this alone. It’s my fault the baby is gone, I starved her. Maybe you were right, if my own child couldn’t want me, how could any guy?
“Lily, why?” Jason sobbed out, “Why did you have to tell me this?”
“You need to know! I had your child inside me!” She screamed back.
It was then that Elizabeth and Branden stopped what they were doing and stared at the two sobbing people on the other side of the room. All of this was news to them.
“You wanna explain what’s going on there?” Branden timidly asked.
“No,” Lily said, “I want him to finish the letter.”
Jason calmed himself enough to continue reading as the teacher finally came back in the room. They had ten minutes left of detention.
You took a part of me that I don’t think I will ever get back. I honestly don’t know why I stay around, but I do. I don’t know if I can anymore though. Not without something in return.
That was it. Lily’s letter was finished at a lengthy eighteen pages. Jason felt as if all the breath had been knocked out of him. He was terrified of Lily. This was not the Lily he knew. This Lily was broken, exhausted, depressed, and sick. He knew they had to talk. There was nothing he could really say, nothing he could do to take her pain away; after all, he had inflicted it on her. After a few moments of silence, the elderly teacher dismissed the four of them. Jason took a deep breath and walked over to Lily who was once again clutching the notebook to her chest. He extended his hand out to take hers.
“Lily, can we talk?” he whispered before he led her out of the room, bound and determined to turn her eyes back to green.