I’ve missed you very dearly, I wrote.
“No, no, that’s too formal,” I thought aloud. I scratched out the line.
You have no idea how lost I am without you. “No, that’s too desperate.” Groaning, I crossed that out too.
I only wish I could spend the rest of eternity with you, I wrote purely as a joke. Yeah, right, I attached next to it.
Yet again marking a scribble through it, I jotted, Can’t you come back to me? I just miss you so—
“GAAHHH!!!!!” I cried in frustration. I ripped out the paper, crumpled it up, and threw it across the room. I sat for a few minutes with my face to my palms. After a moment of calming breathing, I got up and retrieved the paper. Although this letter served no purpose except to release my inner feelings, I needed to write it.
My therapist said so.
She also said I didn’t need to let anyone see it, but I really wanted him to see it. It as the only way, I felt, I could get over him.
Dear Matt, I began halfway down the page, at the bottom of my list of failed sentences.
My dearest Matt, I amended.
“What next?” I wondered.
And suddenly my eyes closed, and I stopped thinking. I was thinking too much, and it was keeping me from expressing my emotions. I needed to close my mind and open my heart.
Matt, I began. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. How have you been? I’ve been terrible. Ever since you left, it seems like my world’s been turned inside out. I mean, I guess it’s not that bad. But it’s not the same as it was with you here.
I think about you all the time. You’re always in my thoughts and prayers, whether you deserve these prayers or not. It kinda distracts me from school work. I’m suddenly not doing so well, because I can’t pay attention cuz I’m thinking about all the things I’d say to you if I had the chance again. That’s why I’m writing this letter. I know it’s a dumb idea, as I know you would say, but Dr. Kroger said it would be good for me to let my emotions out on paper so I don’t take it out on myself. I know you always hated going to see Dr. Kroger, but she’s really nice, and she’ll just listen to me ramble on about whatever. School, clothes, or…you. She doesn’t even care when I talk about the things we did. I figured she’d get all “I’m gonna tell your parents” on me, but she’s been really cool about it. She’s helping me a lot, and so far all of her ideas have worked, so that’s why I figured I’d write this. Plus, one day I figure maybe you’ll get to read it, so then you’ll know how much I love you.
Matt, Matt, Matt…so much has changed since you’ve been gone. Mom got remarried, and now she’s pregnant. I’m gonna be a big sister! You know how much I’ve always wanted a younger sibling. You’d love Mom. She’s big and loopy from all the vitamins and stuff she has to take. If you thought she was picky before, you’d have a cow making fun of her now. She never says anything, probably cuz she thinks she’ll make me feel bad, but I can tell she misses your teasing. You were such a part of the life at home that it’s weird without you here. Everything’s so boring, empty, colorless without you. You took all the life with you. That’s how I see it, at least.
Dad finally has a job. He's the foreman of a locally-owned construction company. He's really happy to be doing what he always wanted to do. Also, Dad wrecked his car, but he has a new one now. I took the junked one and got it fixed, so now I have a car too. You know how much I wanted a car. I was the only junior without one, and it kill—I mean, tore at me inside. I always made you drive me around so I wouldn’t look like a total loser, with my mom driving me everywhere.
Which reminds me (in a way). I’m moving in with Dad. I know I never really liked him, but when he wrecked his car he got beat up pretty bad. He was in the hospital for a couple weeks, and I visited him everyday before and after work. (I waited tables at Joe’s Diner.) If it was too early or late for visiting hours, there was this one nurse named Darcy who'd lost her mom in a car accident. She felt sympathetic towards me, so she’d sneak me in. That was fun, too. I really wish you would’ve been there. This all made me realize that in a second anyone can be gone. I’ve been taking that for granted, and now I know better. Mom has her new guy David, and they have the baby coming, and Dad has no one. I’m going to college in a year anyway, so if I really hate it that much I won’t have to deal with it for too long.
But I think I’ll be all right.
About the line earlier, about wanting to spend eternity with you. That was totally a joke, I swear. I just remembered you saying it to Brian that one time (remember?) and how awesome that whole weekend camping was, and I just had to write it down. That was always our thing, cracking jokes and throwing that line in there just to make things awkward. You remember, right?
It’s hard to fake all this enthusiasm, Matt. I know I might seem like I’m okay, but I feel dea—I mean, I feel, um, empty inside. Like there’s nothing worth living for anymore. You were all I had, and you left me by myself.
Why did you do it? Why? Was it really that bad? Was I not enough for you? I tried to give you everything you wanted. Clothes, money. I even let you date my best friend. But that all still wasn’t enough. What would’ve made you happy? What would it have taken to keep you here? Sometimes I imagine I feel as hopeless as you did, about to go to the extremes to "fix" it. But then I think of you, and I can’t make myself do it.
You were the only one there for me, Matt. You needed me and I needed you. Was I really not worth living for? You’re my brother, for God’s sake! You’re supposed to be there to help me, to guide me, to keep me safe. And you went and killed yourself! I want to hate you so bad, but I can’t bring myself to. Nobody could hate you, apparently not even your own sister. Only you could hate you, and you hated yourself so much that you took yourself away from us. Didn’t you ever think of how this would effect us? Why did you think of only yourself? You destroyed our family. If you hadn’t killed yourself, Mom and Dad would still be together and we’d all be happy. You’d be going to college, and I wouldn’t have to choose which parent to live with. I wouldn’t have to deal with people always being careful with what they say around me, and never hearing anyone talk about you. No one will talk about you, and whenever I do, they look at me sympathetically and say, “I’m so sorry. I know how it must feel.” But they don’t know how it feels, nobody does! You ruined my life, Matt, and for what? So you could end yours? I should’ve known I was never enough to keep you alive.