Shutters.


I look from one of the swatches and to the other and then back at the other. What's the difference between forest green and rainforest green? I put it next to chocolate brown and turn my head to the side. Green or brown... Green or brown. We've been sitting here for almost an hour, just staring at the different colored swatches. The only light on is the one above where we're sitting. The sun has gone down and the crickets are chirping way outside. They've been going at it for so long, it's almost like I can't hear them anymore.


"I like the brown...," I say tapping the swatch.

He nods. "Whatever you want." I look back down at the green and roll my eyes subtly.

"Well what do you want? It's your home too."

He shrugs. "The brown's fine, really, whatever makes you happy."

"Just tell me what you want." I hold up the green and brown next to each other, looking from the swatches and then to him.

"I don't care, I could really care less about the color."

"I am so tired of you saying that!," I say sliding the swatches back on the table.

"Saying what?," he asks, defensively.

I shake my head. "I don't care. I don't care. Could you care? Could you just act like you care?"

"I have a lot going on. The last thing on my mind is the color of our- our shutters," he retorts, gesturing to the swatches on the table. I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I bite the inside of my lip. Plant my feet hard on the ground. Don't cry. Don't cry. Take a deep breath. Keep it in. There's a long pause as he studies my face.

"Are you crying?," he asks softly.

I shake my head and wipe my cheeks with back of my hand. A sob escapes from my lips. "Yes I'm crying! Sometimes I cry! People cry when they're upset! Don't you get it? You act like you don't know what it's like to lose as much as we have. I feel so empty. So empty. And all I want is for you show some sort of-of, emotion...Don't you ever cry? Don't you ever think about it.. and cry?"

He sits there for a moment, looking at me like he's never met me before. "Honey, don't be upset with me." He gets up and wraps his arms around me, but I quickly push him away.

"This isn't about you!"

"Then what is it about?!"

I start to cry harder and can feel my sides start to ache. "This is about the fact that I can't stay pregnant for more than three months! This is about feeling so over joyed and completely surrendered to something one minute and then having it gone the next."

His face looks stunned, or maybe it's just that he hasn't thought about it like that. "We can try again... I promise eventually everything will work out."

I close my eyes and then open them. "Don't make a promise like that." He reaches out for my hand. I don't move.

There's a long pause between us. My heart feels swollen with pain and I'm wishing I would have never brought it up. " I'm so sorry."

I shake my head, wiping my face off. "It's not your fault."

"Do you want to be alone?"

I pause.

His eyes search my tear stained face. I look back at him.
No, I don't.

"Yes."