I always tried to learn responsibility from my dad and life but I don’t think I will ever learn it. Like when I have homework and don’t do it or when I skip work. My dad always has the face that anyone would be scared of. His forehead would crinkle and his eye brows get close together, that’s when you don’t want to say anything that would make him more upset. I guess that’s why my life feels really difficult. I just want to be a kid forever and not worry about school or work. Exhausting, that’s a word that would define work and school. I like school a little and maybe because I get to hang out with my friends and play soccer. I love soccer and I think that’s one of the reasons I wake up every day. I mean I love my family, cousins and friends but everyone has a dream and mine’s to become a professional soccer player. My life all came together and it all happened this year, and it’s my senior high school year. I thought this year was supposed to be hard but so far I think it’s really easy—except, my grades don’t show how I think of school. I want to change everything this year including my personality. I prefer myself as a nice guy but sometimes I grow furious—like Banner transforming to Hulk. My friends use to think it was funny but then I broke the table and now I think they’re a little bit scared of me. Back to soccer, soccer identifies me as a person; Soccer players work hard, and I think that sounds more like me. I try to be the best every single day but I always forget and move on. I disappointed a lot of people and did lots of things that I regret. Especially my dad, I feel like hes really disappointed with me. I mean I don’t blame him; my grades for the past two years have been pretty bad and my dad feels like my grades are going to continue that way. When he gets home from work at noon, he says to my mom “is Ibrahim doing his homework?” my mom usually says “I don’t know, why don’t you go and ask him yourself!” usually by that time, I get scared and get my books out and open to a random page with a paper and something to write with.

My love life is complicated: it’s more like I can’t date because of religious reasons. I loved only one girl and that’s because she’s different than any other girl. I mean she doesn’t date, she’s got a smile that everybody wanted to see and everyone liked her; not a single person disliked her. She first showed me around and took care of me when I first came here to America; when I didn’t know anybody. We went together to middle school but it got interesting in my first year of high school. She kissed me and I kissed her back and I felt like it was the first year of high school. I was wrong, the next day she didn’t come so I thought she was sick or she didn’t want to see me. When I went to see her, no one answered and so I thought that she was ignoring me. I felt frustrated throughout the day but I slept it off and when I went to school the next day, she wasn’t there so I got really mad and kept on calling her but there was no answer. I knew that no one was home so I went home but the next day of school, I was just sitting in class mad and my friend came up to me and told me that she moved and that she wanted to tell me but she didn’t know how to say it. I felt happy for a second until he said she moved to California. Everything I believed in crashed and reality hit, I needed to see her again, I took my sisters car and drove. Everything was moving slowly and everywhere I looked, people just were happy but me. I knew that I had to go back home because there’s no way I’ll ever make it there driving; everything that happened made me lose my feelings. Tell this day, I still can feel sadness or feel happy and I feel like I always let people down. Soccer became me, I always try to find a way to stop thinking about her but every day I wake up I feel like I lost something valuable. Imagine spending most of your time with someone for four years in a row and then wake up and never see them again. I remember when we first fought after eighth grade and she felt like it was her fault even though it wasn’t. So, three days past and I felt like it was a month but she came to my house and knocked on the door. I was up stairs when I heard the door, my mom came up and told me she’s on the door. I smiled and I remember freezing for a moment but then my mom asked me if I wanted her to leave or if I was going downstairs. I remember being so scared to face her because I knew it was my fault for what happened but she understood my point of view. I opened the door and she was dressed up for soccer. “Do you want to go play soccer, the weather is perfect” she said. She looked at me with her big blue eyes and I couldn’t avoid it. I felt like I haven’t seen her forever and I still tried to play cool than telling her how sorry I’m. It was the afternoon when the sun is going down, when the wind was so cold but warm at the same time. I didn’t reply to her because I never felt more relaxed and good. I got my stuff and I left with her to soccer but what really made me laugh is that we didn’t do anything but sit in the park on the swings. It was so peaceful, no one was around and it was so quite. I knew that moment I couldn’t stay a week away from her. It’s all gone now; my feelings will never change for her. I recently been thinking to talk to her and see how she’s doing but I always hope that one day she will come and knock on my door.

I have watched my grandpa die and I didn’t shed a single tear. My mom couldn’t say a word and until this day she feels like that she shouldn’t have left me to watch over; my mom felt disappointed and cried and cried. I never seen my mom so sad and it made me wonder if I’m going to survive this year. My mom thinks that I like to be alone but it’s the opposite, I hate being alone and it makes me feel like I don’t belong. I love being around my friends but that’s not what gets me through the day. You can say soccer is just a sport or some game for people to have fun playing. Soccer is a culture and I believe in it because I feel like at the end of the day, soccer is a way for me to express myself. My oldest sister is the closest person to me and she almost knows everything about me. shes getting married in a couple months now and she will be leaving with her husband to Arizona. I feel like everyone is leaving and going to search for their lives while I’m holding on to the past and that’s why now I’m taking soccer seriously. I guess I’m going to follow my dreams because I don’t think I’ll be satisfied with my life if I don’t try.

I think I’m doing really well this year and it’s because I have been playing soccer every day. I have been thinking of inviting my team to practice with me but I don’t feel like they will take it seriously. You see, I go to a school that haven’t been successful with sports throughout the years even though I know we have really good and talented people individually but not as a team. I will try my best this year with everything I do and I know that I will make a difference because the closest people to me said so and I believe I can if I work hard enough. I volunteered to become the girls’ soccer manager and I got accepted. So far I’m committed to it; I have showed up to at least twenty practices and five games. I think reality is my biggest fear because everyone is going their separate ways and that scares me but now I know that I will see the people I love again. That makes me happy.