If you show up to her door with coffee before her first round of classes, she’ll welcome

you in. You should be on time, 8:15 a.m. to be exact. She’s kind of grumpy if she doesn’t drink

her coffee, and she could have had it sooner if you hadn’t insisted on going to Starbucks at 7:30

a.m. to get the good stuff. She’ll be upset that you spent the money on her, but you’ll assure her

that you wanted to.

She’ll probably ask you something like, “Do you drink coffee?”

You’ll want to lie and tell her that you go to Burlington regularly to get yourself coffee,

but when she asks if you drink coffee, you’ll reveal the truth: Caffeine does nothing for you.

Naturally, since you aren’t a coffee­drinker, you won’t be sure how to order coffee. Apparently

when you order coffee, you’re supposed use terms like, “Tall” for a small, “Grande” for a medium,

and “Venti” for a large. When you pull up to the drive­thru, you’ll ask for a medium dark roast

instead of a “Grande,” because in Spanish, “Grande” means large, and so coffee lingo will feel

funny when you vocalize it. She might not have time to drink a large coffee, anyway. Even if she

did have time to drink it, she wouldn’t need it. When she drinks too much coffee, she bounces off

the walls like you wouldn’t believe.

Oh, and you better be sure NOT to go inside when you order coffee for her. Those coffee

people will fill your cup all the way to the tippy top, and then barely put the lid on for you. Watch

out, it gets everywhere. It’ll prefer your dry clothes over its paper holder any day. Also, if you

aren’t careful, they’ll try to add sugar and cream and all of that stuff that she “doesn’t put in her

body.” So, when they ask you if you want to add extra things to your coffee, you say NO. Make

sure to be firm too, because they like to add things to coffee like attention­starved kids like to add

their two cents in every class. Yell it at them. You don’t want that mess in your coffee. It’s bad

for you, and then give them a brief speech about how they’re making America fat. Add something

about starving African children too, but don’t be too awful. Tell them to have a nice day. People

can’t just order a dark roast these days without being harassed.

If you were stupid enough to go inside like the first two times you brought her coffee,

you’ll snatch that cup right up as soon as the barista set it on that little table beside the register.

They took too d--- long. Knees to chest, b------; people have places to be. You’ll bust out of

their double­doors into this funny­looking speed walk with your free hand out to “Thank” cars that

you forced to let you weave between to get to your car. Business­looking people talking on their

phones with sunglasses on inside of Starbucks had filled the line practically into the parking lot,

which put you five minutes behind schedule. Only two types of people wear sunglasses inside:

Blind people and a-------. You’ll get all the way to your car before you realize that they didn’t

put one of those green stoppers in that little hole you’re supposed to drink out of. That mishap

could be seriously dangerous if you’re taking her coffee on a trip. The coffee will already cover

your right hand, so you’ll move the coffee to your left hand before shaking the other off to open

the car door. You’ll put her coffee in your cup holder with the dark roast dripping down the sides.

You’ll wish you had grabbed a few napkins, but you’ll be late and need to get moving. She’s

probably sitting in her office answering a million emails, with no coffee cup in hand. You’re

slacking.

You’ll probably break the speed limit, going eighty miles an hour because it’s already 8:10

a.m., and you’re seven minutes away instead of five. You’ll have to be careful not to run over any

stray squirrels on the way because her coffee is so full that any little bump in the road would cause

it to overflow. Luckily, squirrels on the highway are pretty rare. They aren’t worth many points

anyway. You’ll whip your car into the school parking lot and your cup holder will be splattered

with dark roast from the cup whose lid was fitted poorly. You’ll park your car and practice that

same speed­walk you had mastered in the Starbucks parking lot earlier. You won’t notice that her

coffee had been dripping down the front of your right pant leg until you’re already in the building

where her office is. Hopefully there will be some left for her.

You’ll see from the hallway that her office door is open. You’ll slow your pace

dramatically so that you don’t seem too eager. You’ll try to become composed, but you’ll look

down at your pants one more time only to recognize that you look like a dipstick. You’ll stand in

her doorway with her now half­filled coffee cup, pants drizzled with dark roast, and a perplexed

look on your face, waiting for her to acknowledge you. You probably should have knocked on the

open door, just to seem less awkward, but she knew you were coming with coffee and so it

probably wasn’t necessary.

She’ll be sitting in her office chair, sparkly silver­cased phone in hand, hard at work.

She’ll sense you in the doorway and slide her chair back a bit, using body language to tell you

she’s open to visitors with coffee. Before she has the chance to say anything about your

appearance, you’ll blurt out something like, “I’m sorry I’m late, I went inside and the line was

filled with blind people, and the door at Starbucks decided to slam me in the face, so the coff­...

well, it’s all over my pants and...do you have a napkin?”

She’ll laugh that laugh you’re so familiar with. You know, that one laugh that tells you

she’s amused and a little embarrassed for you. You’ll walk into her office a few steps, and she’ll

roll her chair towards you with her heels to grab a napkin from her stash that you’re standing

beside. She either keeps a lot of napkins in her office because she’s a messy eater, or because she

eats a lot. Or both.

She’ll take the coffee from you, wipe off the sides, and then set it down on the left side of

her desk. She’ll place it on top of an extra napkin that she grabbed to act as a wimpy coaster. She

won’t drink from it immediately. She’ll look at your pants that are covered with oval­shaped dots

of that dark brown coffee color, and laugh again. You’ll shake your head, and try to explain to her

why she only has half of a cup left.

“I swear that I didn’t contaminate it or anything. I don’t know why it spilled everywhere.

Do you ever have that problem?” You won’t want her to think that you drank out of her coffee

like a weirdo, since it might seem that way with no green stopper. You won’t mention that you

actually ordered a small, or a “Tall” for yourself just out of curiosity.

“Chill, ding­dong. I know you didn’t. You could have just asked for a green stopper in the

top.” She’ll reach out with her right hand to find her messy coffee cup to take a sip, her eyebrows

raised at you, a playful smile spreading across her face.

“Oh yeah, that totally helps me now.” You’ll point to your pants, and tell her that you’re

really going to make a fashion statement in all three of your classes today.

She’ll spin her legs under her desk, and start searching YouTube for a song to play as

background noise for paper grading. You’ll rearrange the magnets of her dogs on her file cabinet

because they’re a little crooked. Sometimes you’ll make them crooked on purpose so that you’ll

have something to fix when she talks to you and you’re nervous. You’re better at hiding your

nerves now, but you have to find things to occupy them every now and then. She’ll see you

rearranging to her left, and glance at you for just a second, smiling to herself, before playing a song

that you’ve never heard before.

“I’m not sure what this song means, but it sounds pretty.” You’ll pull your phone out

getting ready to look up what the lyrics mean, but she’ll lose her composure before you have the

chance.

“Hahaha! He’s saying he’d rather be a loser.” She’ll be using her genuine laugh this time,

the one that makes her stop what she’s doing to tilt her head forward and reach for her sides

loosely; the one that’s your favorite. Most people throw their head back when they laugh

genuinely, which is what makes her more interesting. She does things backwards a lot.

“Sometimes I think that I ought to look things up before I decide to tell you that I like

them.” You’ll feel a little silly, but you’ll laugh because it’s better to laugh at these situations.

She’ll pick up her sparkly, purple grading pen that you gave her at the beginning of the new

semester and get started on the stack of tests she wished she would’ve graded the night before.

She would’ve graded them if she hadn’t been at school for twelve hours in meetings the previous

day. Well, not exactly twelve hours, but she said that it had felt like twelve. She exaggerates

sometimes.

“Oh my gosh, did I say that we had a test tomorrow?” She’ll roll her eyes while she’s

multi­tasking, writing Good, Nice Job, Great Work, next to each section on her student’s tests. “Is

that a d or a p?

“It’s a d. Did you? I can’t remember. I would’ve written that down, I think. You’re in

charge though, you can give us five if you’d like.” You’ll be searching your memory frantically,

trying to remember what she said in class. You always remember.

She’ll laugh that short, higher­pitched laugh that’ll tell you she’s amused. “I love you, you

nut. Maybe I made that up. No test. Thursday maybe. We'll ask er'body tomorrow.”

You’ll smile like a dork, which will tell her that you’re floating on a cloud a couple

numbers higher than nine.

“You need to get to class, you have one minute.” She’ll turn back to her computer,

forearms resting over the tests she’s avoiding grading, hinting to you that it’s time for you to hustle

to class.

You’ll pick up your book bag, taking your time to sling it over your shoulder, trying to stay

in her office for as long as you can. You’ll take a few steps towards the door, but she won’t look

at you because she doesn’t want you to be late. “Is Friday okay?”

She’ll spin her chair halfway facing in your direction, let her hands fall to her lap and offer

a smile to take with you. “Friday is perfect.”