How does it feel to see him look at her as if the world is non-existent and she’s the only thing he sees everyday? Like she's his sunrise, sunset, and everything in-between? Like the only thing that matters to him is whether she's still near him or not? Not good. I’ve been crying for the last hour since I saw that look, that one glance, that shattered my heart like glass.

I have had a crush on him since last year, when I saw a film series he starred in. I knew instantly that we were destined to be together. Both of us are shy and self-loathing, never-good-enough, and yet we are the ones people always look up to. It’s sad that while I was envisioning a family with him, a life with him, and even a death with him, that he was off living his life with his wife and children, and dealing with his son’s death. I know that I sound selfish and crazy, but all I wanted was him, any way he could come, broken or not, I was always here with arms and heart wide open. Too bad my heart blinded my eyes, so that I couldn’t see until it was too late that he loved his life just the way it was. I had made plans to confess my undying love for him, excluding the wedding plans, house refurbishment plans, and honeymoon plans. They were thrown out my mind’s window when I found that photo. That one photo where he gives one look, one fatal glance that changed my life forever. Why did I find that one photo you ask, well, it’s because I had over 500 photos of him both from what I had seen in his films and on the internet. Why did I go to such extremes you ask, well, I don’t really have an answer for that, I guess it was because I was “in love.” So much for romance and heart melodies intertwined to the moon.
That leads to my next “love.” He was such a Romeo. He complimented me, laughed at my insecurities, and made me feel whole again. If only I had known I was trading one false “love for another. When we were friends, he was kind and shy. Then we started dating and things changed. He wasn’t so sweet anymore, and was anything but shy.

I remember as if it were yesterday, he was talking to me, about how much I “loved” him and how much he “loved” me, when out of nowhere he makes an offhand comment about how wierd men could be. Then he asked me if any men had been wierd with me. Even though I told him no, he had this look in his eye, as if he didn’t believe me. That should have been a tipoff. Then he asked what kind of pictures I would send him so that he could see me anytime he wanted. I remember being speechless for awhile. Then I said clean photos only. He said that it was okay that I didn’t want to send him dirty photos, so I told him that it was okay that he had asked. I then told him that I “loved” him despite that. He then smiled and told me that he still “loved” me too. I was so angry, I just snapped, I started cursing and I remember asking (yelling) “Why in the world wouldn’t you love me, I did nothing wrong, unlike you!”. That was our first fight, but not our last.

  The next day I tried to break up with him kindly. I wish I would have just ripped him off like a bandage. Instead, I told him nicely that I just didn’t feel that our relationship had matured enough before we started dating. I don’t know how, but apparently he took that as I still wanted to be with him. So, I tried a different way. I told that there was someone else, I said it was an ex. I thought that it would be the end of it. Not so. He then talked to my friend, who told him that there was no way I’d get back with my ex, and that he just made me mad. Ohh! I would have liked to rearrange her face! I didn’t get the chance.

He through himself to his knees before me. Begging forgiveness like a stupid little puppy. I just walked away. I don’t know what I saw in him. He was no man that I wanted to be with. I didn’t think he was even worth a kick to the face from my new boots. He didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day, so I thought that he had got the message. Well, message not received, the next day I check my emails, guess who sent 97 messages all saying sorry in a different way. I avoided him for the next few days.

Then he saw me talking to some other guy and stopped me after class to yell at me for that. I just gave him the stupidest look I could muster and said with a quizzical voice,”Um, didn’t I break up with you? Doesn’t that mean I am single and free to talk to whomever I want to talk to? I’m tired of your games. Just leave me alone.” By the time I had said all that my face was beet red, and my hands were in fists. I was almost growling the last few words. I think he got the message that time. This time his jaw was to the floor. I don’t think he ever expected such a rage to come from me, this shy, meek girl. I was so astounded with how angry my fury had been, that I was stuck in place looking down upon him (figuratively speaking).

That lead to my next boyfriend. I am currently with a good seeming guy, so we’ll see if it lasts. To think that it all started with me seeing that one love-filled photo snapped at the worst possible moment.