“I really like who I am when I’m with you.”
She spoke softly with her face turned away from him, in hopes that the wind would pick up her words and carry them far from his ears. She didn’t know who she was, but when she was with him, that didn’t matter. With him, she could ignore what she knew to be true: she was a mirror; a reflection of those around her.
But he… he was confident! He was secure! He knew who he was. And somehow, he seemed to know more about her than she did. She turned to face him. The field in which they stood was bathed in the shining gold of sunset. It sparkled through the trees and enveloped them in its warmth.
“I like who you are when you’re with me too.”
So he had heard her. Her face blushed crimson as he turned to her with that crooked smile of his. He was everything she wished she was. He was everything everyone wished to be! But she was only a shadow, like the patchwork of grey on the field when the trees blocked the sun.
She was still unsure how and why they had become friends. He had initiated, of course, and she had followed, as she always did. But it seemed she had done one thing right: she had chosen the right person to follow. For now she stood in a fairytale world, coming closer to feeling secure than she ever had felt before.
He could almost hear the questions buzzing around in her head- those doubts that controlled her life, whether she was aware of it or not. He knew about those fears that kept her awake at night, whispering lies into her ears. They told her that she wasn’t enough. She was unworthy. Who was she to have such a great friend, when all she was was a shadow, and that was all she ever would be?
He gently grasped her hand. The golden rays of sunlight reflected off her silky brown hair. Her hazel eyes wouldn’t dare and rise to meet his. “Somehow, I’m going to believe in you until you learn how to believe in yourself.”
She raised her eyes until they were level with his, but he knew she was looking at something too far away for him to ever see.
“Why?”
The question was wrenched from deep within her soul. It was the question of her being. It seemed she had been born with that question on her lips. Her soul shook with the weight of this burden, and now, finally, it was out in the open. She had asked. She was ready for anyone, anything, even the universe itself to give her an answer! She needed an answer.
He understood the significance of this moment. He understood there was so much more attached to that three letter word than even she knew, for he had asked it before. Why am I here? Who am I?
He was scared. He didn’t know the answer to all of her questions and wanted to be honest. So he told her the unexpected truth.
“I’m scared.”
In an instant, her eyes returned from that distant place and centered on his. “What did you say?”
For that moment, the utter incredibility of that statement caused her to forget her own questions and focus on this new and strange development. It was impossible for him to be scared! He was the strong one, the leader!
“Yeah, I’m scared. I’m scared that I can’t answer your questions, because I have the same ones. I’m scared that I can’t live up to what everyone thinks of me. I’m scared of messing up. I’m even scared of the dark sometimes.”
She looked at him in amazement. The possibility of fear and security existing in the same being was completely foreign to her. It was as if someone had turned the field in which they were standing upside down. The wheat seemed to hang from the sky like curtains on a window, and below them appeared an open sky with a few glittering stars. He continued.
“But ya know what? When I’m scared of the dark, I move myself just enough so that I can see the stars. And then I’m not scared anymore. Because if I can see the stars from way down here, then the darkness can’t be all that bad.”
The two of them looked up (or down, for she was still unsure if she was in the sky or on the earth) to where the orange glow of sunset was fading and revealing the faint shimmer of stars soon to appear in the distance.
“So okay, I’m scared. But there are stars in every situation. They give us hope. They help us keep going. So I never, ever have let fear stop me from doing what I think I oughta do, because hey, maybe I’m a star to someone else out there. Maybe someone else is in the dark, and the faint beam of light that I can provide will show them the way to the window.”
She closed her eyes, but she could still see the stars in the heavens. She listened to the soothing swish of the wind through the wheat. She heard the crickets and frogs tuning their various instruments in preparation for the night’s arrival.
She had always feared the dark She had feared the unknown, for it was then that she could no longer ignore the doubts inside her head. It was in the deep quiet of the night that the whispers became shouts. Her heartbeat sounded like the deafening tick of a clock. Each beat was another moment her questions wouldn’t be answered.
And yet, it was quiet now. Neither of them was speaking. Neither of them had to. The words that needed to be spoken had been said. Her questions hadn’t been answered, but she saw something. She saw something in the darkness. Her initial response was to fear it, but she felt his hand holding hers. She knew she was safe. So, slowly, she cracked open one eye, and then the other. What she saw made her eyes widen, filled with wonder.
For in those moments while she was wrestling with her soul, a miraculous change was going on around her. Beneath her closed eyelids there had been darkness with faint pinpricks resembling stars. But now…
The sky spread out far and wide around them; a deep, dark, brilliant blue that seemed to encompass the field in which they stood. And there, scattered everywhere throughout the sky shone brilliantly lighted stars. There was not one piece of the sky that was left unadorned by their shining radiance.
She turned to meet his shining eyes as he asked, “Do you see why I brought you here?” Her eyes were full of wonder, but there was something else in there too. There was something deeper that he recognized, for he remembered when he first saw it in his own eyes. It was hope.
She turned back to the star filled sky. “You have shown me the window.”