Confusing Love | Teen Ink

Confusing Love

April 2, 2019
By Anonymous

“We’ve been together for two years River! What the hell! Why would you do this to me?” I scream at her over the phone with tears rushing down my face.

“Babygirl, it won’t happen again, I promise. I love you,” River said as if she didn’t have a care in the world.

“You are right River it won’t happen again, because we are done. Go hook up with Stacy or whatever her name is again,” I said viciously. I hung up the phone and threw it at the wall. I fell to the ground feeling my legs give out.

“How could she?” I thought to myself, looking at the dark circles of mascara smeared along my eyes in my mirror. I got up in two seconds, feeling a sense of anger, and started to punch the wall and scream as if she would feel the pain she put me through. I fell on to the floor again gasping for air as the waterfall in my eyes got more rapid. I picked up my phone, deleting all the pictures I had of River and I from the last few years, and blocked that bitch’s number.

“Screw you River, I don’t need you anyway,” I thought as I threw myself on my

bed.

The next day when I got to school I was unprepared for what was about to happen. I rushed through the halls trying to get from one class to another without making eye contact with anyone or talking to a single soul. That was when I heard the mockery from the other students.

“LESLIE THE LESBIAN!  LESLIE THE LESBIAN!” Everyone shouted aggressively shoving me into lockers. I quickly ran into the nearest bathroom and started sobbing.

“How could people be so mean?” I screamed as I punched the wall, not realizing that someone was in the stall.

I hear a deep but, kind voice speak.

“Ummm...not to be rude but, I think you are in the wrong bathroom.”

I feel my face get hot and red as I see the tall muscular skater boy Ryder walk out of the stall smoking a cigarette. He had this long, dark, flowing hair and deep brown eyes.

“Oh My God!” I screamed. “I am so sorry.” I said wiping under my eyes with a makeup wipe getting rid of my racoon eyes. “I’ll be out of your way.” I said running up to the door but , he blocks it.

“Ummm no not until you tell me what’s wrong” he says locking the door with a pin taking another puff of that cancer starter.

“Ryder, I am fine. It’ll be fine. It’s fine” I said rubbing my arm trying to fight back the tears.

He grabbed me pulling me into a sweet embrace he smelt of axe and cigarettes which was surprisingly not a bad mix.

“Girl, you cannot lie to a guy like me especially because I know you way too well. Your nose does this cute little scrunch thing when you are lying” he said still holding me. I was so embarrassed and I felt my cheeks turn even more red than before.

“Now, before I let you go” he said placing his hand on my cheek and staring deep into my eyes as I stared into his.

“You are beautiful and if any guy tries to mess with you I am just a text away” he said handing me his number and letting me leave.


After what had happened in the bathroom today I couldn’t think straight. I was so confused. Ever since I was 12, I thought I was a lesbian. In the fall of seventh grade, I had a major crush on a girl in my class. Every time I attempted to talk to her, I froze and felt my throat close up. It wasn’t until way later that I became aware that I had romantic feelings for her. Until high school though, I still couldn’t comprehend my sexuality. My freshman year of high school I met a girl at Coachella, where we quickly clicked. Several hours into the concert, where we had spent all day together, we began holding hands and leaning on each other. I so badly wanted to kiss her, and at this point there was no conflict about whether or not I liked girls.

 

I had been attracted to girls mainly but, now I am more confused than I ever have been. After the way Ryder made me feel today...I think I might be bisexual. I mean I was distracted enough the whole day with his words running through my mind that I didn’t hear anymore insults from anyone. I mean I didn’t even hear a thing my teachers were saying. The only thing I had left to do was talk to my mom about what was going on in my head.


I sat down at the kitchen table tracing the lines on the wood waiting for my mom to finish making dinner.

“Sweetheart you’ve been super quiet. What’s on your mind? Talk to me.” she said taking a seat across from me and reaching out to hold my hand. I couldn’t look up at her. I didn’t want her to know. You should’ve seen her when I first came out as lesbian to her. She was livid, and by livid I mean she threw a frying pan at me while screaming something along the lines of you are going to hell. After awhile she became more accepting of me or maybe it just became something that we didn’t talk about.

“Mom, long story short” I said breathing in with tears taking over my eyes making everything blurry.

“Mom, I think I am bisexual” I said as I lost my breath and the tears started pouring out of my eyes. She got up quickly pulling her hand away from mine. I knew I was in trouble. She started laughing histracial. I shuddered at the thought of her hitting me again.

“Leslie Ann Madino” she screamed as I tried to catch my breath. She got closer this time with no weapons in her hands.

“How dare you! How dare you put me through this at first you tell me you are a lesbian and now you are bisexual! Leslie you can’t be like this choose a side already!” she shouted throwing her hands down on the table to frighten me.

“I hope you know that YOU are the reason your dad would drink. YOU are the reason he left us with nothing but, this stupid memory filled house. It’s all YOUR fault! Now get out of my house before I lose my temper!” Right after she screamed at me saying those words I got up in two seconds flat. I ran upstairs in a flash and packed all my stuff. I didn’t know where I was going all I knew was that I was never coming back. I got out of those doors and just kept running until that house was to longer in my sight. I ran to my favorite spot hoping to calm down and maybe relax. When I got to the waterfall in the middle of the woods I fell to my knees sobbing. I pulled my phone out of my pocket along with the ripped off corner of paper from earlier. I knew what I had to do. I called the number hoping he would pick up when I smelled cigarette smoke and that sweet, sweet cologne. I turned around and sure enough it was Ryder so, I hung up the phone.

“R-ryder , w-what are you doing here” I say turning away and wiping the tears under my eyes like that would change the fact that I looked insane. He turned me back towards him with the most confused look on his face.

“Leslie! You come here too. Wait! Why are you crying? What’s going on?” He got this fiery look in his eyes like he was going to beat the life out of whatever has hurt me.

“I-it’s my favorite place to go when I need alone time or well in this case when I have no place to go” I said as my lip started to quiver again. He wrapped his arms me holding me tight.

“Sweetheart, I don’t know who hurt you. As a matter of fact, I don’t even need to know what’s going on if you don’t feel comfortable sharing.” He grabbed my chin softly and gazed into my eyes as I stared deep into his deep brown eyes. He came closer and kissed me HE FLABGIBIN KISSED ME and you know what I kissed back that’s when I felt the spark. The spark that you only feel with the person you are meant to be with this person. I felt like I was floating on the soft fluffy clouds that were in the sky that day. I came back to reality when he stopped kissing me. I wanted to feel his lips on mine once more before telling him anything else so, I leaned in and kissed him this time. The feeling came back I was on the clouds for a split second. When it was over the way he looked me in the eyes I knew he felt the same. I could tell he felt bad because he didn’t know that I was in fact bisexual.

Before he could say anything I blurted out “Ryder, it’s okay I am bisexual and I want to be with you I promise I’ve been thinking about since the moment we shared in the bathroom”. He held me in a tight embrace once again.

“I’m sorry I was scared and didn’t know if it was a just in the moment thing” he said relieved. He looked me in the eyes again.

“You know, you are beautiful even when you cry. The way your eyes get a little puff and your cute little nose turns pink.” He smiling the way that made my heart skip a beat.

“Ryder, I knew there was a sweet side to your badass appearance.” I said giggling and kissing his cheek.

“So, uhhhhh this might be a little soon but, do you want to be my girlfriend?” He said with the cutest smirk on his face.

“It might be soon but, I mean, we DID kiss already. So, I mean why the hell not.” I said with the biggest smile on my face.

“But uhhhhh is a problem I literally have no place to go because my mom kicked me out when I came out to her and the whole school hates me.” I said with the most worry in my voice that I mean I might have to sleep on the streets.

“Babe, you don’t have to worry you can stay with me.” He said looking kindly into my eyes.

“ Are you sure though like sure sure?” I was worried but, I knew I could trust him.

“Of course baby! Anything you need I am here. I got you.” He said smiling and then kissing my cheek.

As we were walking to his apartment hand in hand I learned a lot about how his dad is drug dealer so he is in prison for life and has been since he was little. I learned that he has lived in a one bedroom apartment since his mom died a few years back. The state pays for him to have a place to stay. He works part time at a motorcycle shop so he has money in order to eat and pay for the necessities.

Later that night while we layed in his bed with my head on his chest I knew everything would be alright. 



Similar Articles

JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 0 comments.