She didn’t want to think. It felt like a sharp knife pierced her heart every time it crossed her mind. It turned her stomach upside down and clouded her head. She refused to admit it for so long, but she couldn’t hide how she felt anymore. 

“I can’t keep doing this,” she whispered, her eyes watching the cars pass the house one by one. “It hurts too much.”

But what couldn’t she exactly do? Everything was fine. They seemed so perfect, so pure for the longest time. They never had problems, they never fought over things, whether they had small or big differences. They both had amazing jobs and a wonderful little house that they lived comfortably in. They had everything they wanted. 

“What do you mean?” 

“This,” she gestured to herself, and then to him, “this… it isn’t working….” 

“C’mon, you know that isn’t true,” he inhaled, then exhaled with a breathy laugh, moving across the bedroom to her, “we’re just going through a rough spot lately.” He wrapped his strong arms around her small figure, engulfing her in a warm embrace. But she didn’t hug him back. Instead, she stood there, limply pressed against his chest. “It’s gonna be okay.” His hand ran down her back soothingly.

“We’ve been going through a rough spot for the past four months, Johnny....” she pushed out of his hold, shaking her head, “we’re both so busy nowadays, a-and we barely see eye to eye anymore.” She didn’t look at him. To see the growing pain in his eyes would be unbearable. “We don’t sleep in the same bed anymore, we don’t do things together anymore, we don’t even eat together!” She threw her arms in the air and let them fall back down at her sides. 

“Don’t talk like that--I….” he stopped for a moment, “I can fix those things.” His hand trembled and it reached out to grab hers, only to have her retract it. “Please,” his voice was a whisper, “I’ll fix these things.”

She ran her hands through her hair, chewing her bottom lip. “You just don’t get it, do you?” her words came out louder than she expected. “There’s some things that aren’t in your control—some things that are unfixable!”

“Like what?” 

It felt like the temperature suddenly dropped in the bedroom, making the hairs on the back of her neck stand.. Her heart began to pound in her throat, her ears ringing in her head. She knew that if she told him, he’d break into pieces. He was already such an emotional man. He was the type of man that wasn’t afraid to cry in front of you. He constantly professed his love to you—going out of his way to make dinner or clean the house or buy you something nice. If she was going to tell him what she’s felt for so long, she’d be losing all that, plus his love for her. 

“What is it?” Johnny asked again, “Please tell me!” 

“I-I—” she threw her hands over her face. She wanted this nightmare to be over. 

“Yes? Just say it already!” 

“I don’t love you anymore!” 

“....What?”

Time felt like it stopped in place. The air in her lungs got caught in her throat. “I love you….” choking on her words, she gasped, “but I’m not in love with you anymore.” She stared at him, and this time, she looked him in the eye. Life flushed out of his dark eyes and he went pale, staring back at her as if he just saw a ghost. 

“I….I….” he stuttered

“I’m so sorry,” her eyes welled up with tears and they spilled down her cheeks. “I’m so, so sorry….” 

He sunk down to his knees , swallowing so hard and so loud that both of them heard it. She was literally watching him shut down, and it was all her fault. Her world was crumbling before her and she caused all of it. She caused him so much pain. She made him cry, she’d shut him out, she was the reason she’d hear him cry softly to himself at night. 

She expected him to hate her forever, to never want to see her again. She knew he was going to wish bad on her and wish he’d never met her, he’d be crazy not to. Yet, he looked up at her with tear stained cheeks, wrapped his arms around her torso and buried his face into her clothes. His body shook violently with sobs, gripping the clothes on her back so tight that his knuckles turned milky white. “I’ll change! Please give me the chance to change,” he choked, shaking his head. “I’ll provide more—I’ll show you more affection—I—I’ll make you so so much happier….”

“Johnny…”

“Just please for the love of god, give me another chance...” 

Her hands held his head, running her fingers soothingly through his hair. She bit her lip so hard that it nearly bled. “No matter how much you do and how grateful I am with every being of my body, I can’t force myself to feel a certain way.” Her breath shook, “you did nothing wrong, please know that.” She too got on her knees, eye level with him now. She cupped his face, her thumbs wiping away his tears. The tears just never stopped. “I won’t pretend and lead you on, I absolutely refuse to do that. You deserve so much more, Johnny, so much more. I’m so sorry I can’t give you what you want.” She made him look at her. Words weren’t exchanged between one another for many, agonizingly long seconds.

“What am I going to do without you?” His voice was so soft and gentle. “Who am I going to find? Who am I going to share a bed with, other than you?” He took her hand and pressed it to his lips, kissing it. The gesture made her heart tremble. 

“Someone who deserves it so much more than I do,” she smiled sadly.

Johnny shook his head. “But no one deserves it like you. You turned my world upside down and I am so happy that you did. You brought chaos to my order, turned everything on its head,” he gave out a small chuckle, “and I’ve loved every single second of it.” 

A warm feeling melted it’s way into her chest and she hugged him, caressing his back. Now she was the one holding on.

“Thank you…” She pulled back and pressed her lips against his damp cheek. 

A shock went up Johnny’s back as she pressed her lips to his skin, but the feeling went away just as quick as it came. She stood up and said she needed to call her mother, so he let her of course. She disappeared out of the room, leaving Johnny to his thoughts. He wiped at his tear stained face, staring at the door. His world was crumbling all around him, and it felt like cinder blocks were thrown onto his chest, weighing him down. He couldn’t be mad at her even though his head said different. How could he be? She gave him the best years of his life. She made him feel things no one has ever made him before, made him put himself out there and reach out of his comfort zone. They’ve gone on so many amazing adventures, both big and small. They shared so many laughs, so many amazing memories together. But that was then, and this was now. This was the end of the road for them. 

And so Johnny let himself submerge into darkness. He sat there, on the floor, his hand finding its way up to his cheek where she kissed him. His fingers ran across his skin and pressed against his lips, eyes shut tight as a wave of hurt pierced his heart. 

“Isabella….”