The Test | Teen Ink

The Test

August 5, 2009
By kookoodood PLATINUM, McGregor, Texas
kookoodood PLATINUM, McGregor, Texas
20 articles 0 photos 43 comments

“All right, everyone, the test is about to begin.”

I was sitting in a nondescript desk that was swimming in an ichthyologic school of nondescript desks. The administrator was moving through us, pausing occasionally to hand out a paper or rap a student sharply on the head for moving ahead without listening to instructions; other than this she was silent and stalwart. A stone face on Easter Island emoted more than she did.

In truth, I wasn’t really listening myself. I was too busy thinking of problems that wouldn’t appear on the test. My girlfriend, Stacy, kept springing to mind. She was a cheerleader; that I had no problem with. The problem was her late-night practices, and how she would return sweaty and disheveled with each long night. I told myself that I was crazy, that she would never do what I was suspecting.

“…test will consist of…”

It wasn’t rational of me to think this way. Or was it? I wasn’t sure. Most likely, this was pre-test jitters and a couple of multiple-choice questions would set me straight; get me thinking on the logical plane again. The admin passed out the test, mouthing something about stopping when she said to. Or maybe she spoke it. Once again, I wasn’t sure.

I wasn’t sure about a lot of things lately.

I snapped out of my reverie/pensive thinking as the spidery lady in the purple-and-red muumuu snapped, “You may begin,” succinctly. I brushed the sweat from my brows, blinked three times, ran a hand through my hair, tapped my eraser twice on the desk, once on each side of the test booklet, tapped my right foot twice and my left foot once, and slowly opened up my test booklet. It was my good-luck ritual. I don’t know why, but for some reason I had developed an irrevocable belief that it would help me in some small way.

I looked at the questions.



Question 1


Stacy, I love you : What? :: You said we needed to talk? : ____

a)
It’s going good, sweetie.
b)
Yeah. Greg, there’s someone else.
c)
Good, now that you’re here.
d)
Hey, Greg. It’s going okay. Want to go get ice cream?


I choked on my own saliva. It said Stacy? What—what kind of sick joke is this? I immediately dismissed it as pre-test jitters (again), and circled letter B. Then I moved on quickly, almost frenziedly, to the next question.

This was only what I had expected. I mean, what did I want to think? Stacy’s doubtful fidelity had always been an issue with me. I had never questioned that she was a cheerleader; it was her life and she could do with it what she wanted. It just seemed that, time in and time out, cheerleading seemed to take precedence over me. This I was not cool with. I figured that, as her boyfriend, I would move up her hypothetical “To-Do List”. That sounds bad. What kind of test was this? I promised myself that I would endure one more question before asking the admin if I was on Punk’d or Candid Camera or something of the sort. I hastily circled B and quickly ran through my pre-test ritual again before I turned the page to the third question.



Question 3


Define marvelous.

a)
superb
b)
the word Stacy says when Mark Donaghy kisses her neck
c)
expected
d)
paltry


I saved myself the trouble of choking on my spit again and coughed out of surprise before any liquid could ooze its way down the wrong windpipe. I coughed partially because every answer had been B, but more importantly because this test was highlighting my girlfriend’s infidelity and it was my ticket into college. And I was failing.

I raised my hand indignantly, stabbing the air with my open palm. The muumuu-wearing-a-lady-underneath came stomping over, sighing like it was the end of the world. Which, technically, it was: The world of me and Stacy was going to implode, should this line of questioning continue as such.

“Yes, what is it?” she snapped. I gesticulated wildly to the questions in front of me detailing my girlfriend’s actions. She looked at them, and then looked back. “Well? Is there a problem?” I looked down at the test questions.

The word Stacy appeared in none of them, nor did the word neck, nor did the words unlimited or supply or of or Diet or Coke, which, when strung together, form a phrase that is always lovely to hear; however, now was not the time to think about luscious beverages that Stacy and I drank two-liter bottles of at parties on dares.

I sighed and muttered that no, nothing was wrong. The female skeleton dressed in drapery muttered something about “bubble head” and swept back pompously to her desk.

Wipe. Blink. Blink. Blink. Slide. Whap. Tap. Thump. Thump. Whomp.

The usual.

Stare at the next question.

Also the usual.

Read the question.

That was when it stopped being normal. Or resumed its normalcy, if this test was the gold standard of normal. Who was I to judge?



Question 4


Revise the bracketed section of the following sentence: The cheerleader whispered that Greg [never needed to know] about her and Mark.


a)
was completely oblivious
b)
knew completely and was furious
c)
didn’t have a clue
d)
No revision needed.


Finally, an answer other than B. I circled D.

This pattern continued on through the English section.

Wipe.
b)
the spot where we first got ice cream

Blink.
a)
on the lips
Blink.
c)
possibly because she’s bored
Blink.
d)
the captain of the football team
Slide.
e)
is cheating with your girlfriend
Whap.
b)
and you can’t do anything
Tap.
a)
to stop it from happening
Thump.
b)
under the bleachers after practice
Thump.
d) after school in the locker room
Whomp.
c)
every day you’re not there.
Wipeblinkblinkblinkslidewhaptapthumpthumpwhomp.

I had finally survived the English gauntlet. The wave of relief that washed over me was quickly replaced by terror at the math portion and what it would bring.

Math. It was never my strong suit. English, obviously, was more my subject of choice, though at that moment I could think of no worse subject. Math was the curse of my GPA; it was the reason that I wrote. In my opinion, math was the ultimate blasphemy against the sacred temple of Writing. Math. The word filled me with contempt. Now, however, there was no escaping it. I closed my eyes and broke the seal on the right-hand side of the page. The first question greeted me almost cheerily.


Question 1


If a cone has a circular base with radius r and the height h is 4/3 the length of the radius, how much will the cone hold in volume?

a)
4/3πr²
b)
Not enough to save your relationship with Stacy
c)
3/4πr²
d)
4/3 ∙ 2πr


The answer, like it was most of the time, was B.



Question 2


If x = 3/4 y² + 14z, what does x/3 equal in terms of v, if v = 3/8 y² + 7z?

a)
3v/2
b)
x = v(ery likely your relationship is over)
c)
v/6
d)
Answer not given



Once again, it was B.

I sighed once and tried to concentrate, knowing that my relationship was through, it was done, whether this stupid test was right or not. Whether or not my fears were founded, it was worth it to escape this torture of the mind that occurred every day Stacy was gone.

It was worth it to pass this test and get to college.

Leave all this behind.

Leave her behind.

Almost imperceptibly, I heard a bird whistling from beyond the window.

Whap. Tap. Whomp.


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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 75 comments.


mcw_816 SILVER said...
on Nov. 8 2009 at 4:25 pm
mcw_816 SILVER, Short Hills, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 26 comments
Love the tongue in cheek humor.

Sitav GOLD said...
on Nov. 8 2009 at 9:19 am
Sitav GOLD, Cedar Grove, New Jersey
17 articles 1 photo 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I studied every thing but never topped.... But today the toppers of the best universities are my employees" --Bill Gates

amazing!! what is it with guys and cheerleaders lol?

on Oct. 17 2009 at 11:00 pm
tennisislovee34 GOLD, Sterling Heights, Michigan
15 articles 3 photos 91 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Every moment of your life, you're writing. Even in your dreams, you're writing. When you walk the halls in this school you meet various people and you write furiously in your head." -Frank McCourt

I really really really liked it! It definetly kept me thinking at the end, great job!:)

on Oct. 17 2009 at 12:39 am
Alex Brown SILVER, Dayton, Tennessee
5 articles 2 photos 12 comments
this is amazing! God bless! keep writing you are the best!

on Sep. 25 2009 at 3:32 pm
Wildfire222 BRONZE, Reno, Nevada
1 article 0 photos 1 comment
I really liked the format of this. It was interesting and kept me reading. Great work.

Bookaddict said...
on Sep. 24 2009 at 5:15 pm
I like this, you wrote it differently--i liked what you did with half the story being written through the test questions. Very creative! =)

Zero_K DIAMOND said...
on Sep. 20 2009 at 9:29 am
Zero_K DIAMOND, Moosic, Pennsylvania
83 articles 0 photos 435 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Life's no fun if you're not insane, otherwise you grow up to be an accountant." -Moi

Wows. 'Tis awesomeness, no less. I love it!

+++ZERO+++

on Sep. 15 2009 at 1:08 pm
MoreThanYouKnow PLATINUM, Camarillo, California
20 articles 0 photos 14 comments
i loved it!!!! so creative i hope he does well on the test :(

on Sep. 12 2009 at 5:43 pm
Fredwardness SILVER, Romeo, Michigan
8 articles 6 photos 212 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The stars are blazing like rebel diamonds cut out of the sun" -The Killers (Read My Mind)

"If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." -George Harrison

i really thought this was funny.. im sorry if that wasnt wat u were going for but i thought it was soo funny

SimplyA GOLD said...
on Sep. 10 2009 at 10:32 pm
SimplyA GOLD, Marshalltown, Iowa
11 articles 6 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You know you've got it, if it makes you feel good." -Janice Joplin

This is great, and I liked how you used a format that's pretty unique to describe what's going on between Greg and Stacy. Keep up the good work!

on Sep. 7 2009 at 9:08 pm
ArleneNicole BRONZE, Porter, Texas
2 articles 0 photos 23 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You read too much!" Balbulus was always saying. But what was she to do? Without words she would die, she'd simply die.
-Inkdeath by Cornelia Funke

Wow, completely unique. Great format, vivid vocabulary usage, and it had me intereted the whole time! This is one I'll remember.

on Sep. 7 2009 at 8:11 pm
ohmakemeover BRONZE, Centerville, Minnesota
3 articles 0 photos 99 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Touch comes before sight, before speech. It is the first language and the last, and it always tells the truth."- Margaret Atwood

Oh jeez, I really got a kick out of that. It was funny in a dark way, and I had a great time reading it. A refreshing piece from aguy's point of view. Great job!

on Sep. 4 2009 at 7:37 pm
LoveLikeWoe DIAMOND, LeSueur, MN, Minnesota
54 articles 2 photos 748 comments

Favorite Quote:
Whoever laughs first has the sickest mind.

it's a bit strange but kool. great job! :)

on Sep. 4 2009 at 6:48 pm
aspiring.author.09 PLATINUM, Beaumont, Other
34 articles 0 photos 70 comments
This was MARVELOUS! I absolutely loved the way you set this out, the whole thing is absolute genius! This MUST be published...such a clever piece! Great work!!!

on Sep. 2 2009 at 7:20 pm
unearthlyhaphazard GOLD, N/A, New York
15 articles 0 photos 177 comments

Favorite Quote:
"There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are."~W. Somerset Maugham

Wow, great job! I love how Greg's worries about his relationship is reflected as he's taking the tests. And I totally agree what he says about math. Nicely done!