I ran into the bathroom, I was sure I had knocked over some people while sprinting as fast as my numb legs would carry me. The bathroom was empty, thank God, and I fell into a stall, locked the door, and allowed the rain to pour. If I weren’t completely numb, I would feel salty tears trickle down my cheeks. I thought between sobs. I had been numb, a rock since……I can’t even say it. Since I ruined my life and…and HIS life I know realized. This brought on new gut-wrenching sobs. Since that day, I couldn’t remember when the days began and ended. Time held no meaning; I was in a trance. I was cut off from the moving, living, FEELING world and plunged into my own darkness. It was my punishment. I punished myself. The sun would never warm my cheeks again, I would never see the world in all it’s true colors, I would never feel anything ever again except silent pain. I hid that pain as soon as I walked into the school and felt all the disbelieving stares and whispers. The pain is the only thing that reminds me that I am still “living”. Without it; I’m sure I would be convinced I was dead and they say once you’ve given up on life; life will give up on you too.
But when….when HE walked in….
He was in pain. I was causing him pain. My selfish, stupid, unforgivable mistake had caused him pain and while I wallowed away in self-pity; I was causing HIM and Sylvia pain. I even saw the pain on LuLu’s face; LuLu who has been my best friend, my angel, my knight in shining armor in my new senseless, dark universe, I was even hurting her. I destroy everything and anything I touch. I told myself over and over. Each time I repeated that sentence, new tears seemed to leak down my pale cheeks. I could barely feel them; I was going numb again. Pain, guilt, and now envy was built inside of me. I envied Alyssa Turosa, the new girl Dana had introduced to us. Apparently she was in our homeroom (was I even IN homeroom today? My mind seems to go blank between hearing this morning’s whispers until lunchtime). She was the girl I once was; sweet, good, and made friends easily. I envied that she could feel feelings and see colors and be part of humanity while I sat in shadows. Most of all; I envied her pure innocence. He would not hate her. Only me.
My sobs became silent tears as I accepted the hatred I deserved.