I couldn’t breathe. My lungs were filling with water as my life flashed before my eyes. A life I no longer wanted to live. Having submerged my body in the river I could see nothing and feel pain physically, from my experiences and knowing I would be leaving the ones I loved behind. But for the past few months I’ve caused nothing but pain and heartache to the ones I loved and knew they would be better off without me. I could only hope after my body is discovered that my family will forgive me and will be able to move on. As for Othenio I could only hope he will be able to find a beautiful girl worthy of his love and protect his delicate heart.
As all these thoughts wandered through my mind I remembered the last four months of my life.
Foul and disgusting is all I could smell when I walked back inside the house. I had spent the last hour hours caring for the crops that my family had spent so long growing. Without these crops we would most likely be starving like so many others in our community. Living in Kenya rebels would be found everywhere willing to beat, murder, steal from and rape anyone who got in their way. At this point no one could be trusted not the innocent or the starving. Walking towards my mother I could see she looked exhausted. Whispering a prayer into her ear I lead her to the living room where she and everyone else slept.
Our house wasn’t much but was enough to get by with one kitchen, one living room and a washroom located 5 feet away from the house. I couldn’t complain. My mother was diagnosed with HIV two years ago and is solely dependent on me and my father. In Kenya if you didn’t have the right health, which we didn’t, you would most likely catch the HIV virus, as it spread like wildfire from city to city. The virus rendered my mother immobile as she would lose her breath with each step she took; she would also lose weight quickly and struggle to speak in full sentences. Even with a terrible virus running through her body my mother lived her life to the best of her abilities. Something I’ve always admired about her.
Being an only child for 14 years and my mother being HIV positive I’ve gotten used to doing things on my own. At the age of six I would cook most meals, do household work designed for men and still have time to go to school. I’ve always dreamt of moving to America after I finished school and get a degree in Biology. In America I would become a biologist, experimenting on humans in order to provide for my family. My research would be heavily focused on curing HIV not only for my mother but others just like her.
My daydream was cut short by the sound of my name “Aluna, Aluna, Aluna”. As I turned around I could see my father next to a man I had never seen before. My father always radiated positivity with his hazel eyes, full lips, dark skin and crooked smile. I’ve always been told I look exactly like him but much skinnier, prettier and with a lot more hair. But today was different than any other day I saw my father. He looked upset and guilty but no time was spent as my father introduced me to the mystery man.
“This is my daughter, Aluna” he said as if I were a casual acquaintance.
I smiled.
“Hello Aluna, my name is Mosi. Your father and I have a lot to talk to you about?” I noticed the man spoke English instead of Swahili, the dominant language in Kenya. My father must have notified him that English was the dominant language here as my mother was an educator and loved speaking English. A language she never knew existed 40 years ago. A language she could no longer speak.
I directed both men to the kitchen as my mother was sleeping in the living room and needed her rest.
Before I could offer any food or drinks Mosi began speaking “I don’t want to waste your time or your father’s so I will get straight to business. Your father and I have been friends for a while now. As a friend I’ve noticed that food is running low and your mother is getting sicker. As a friend I would love to help…but you see I need something in return.”
“Thank you Mr. Mosi but if you don’t mind me asking what would this favor in return be?”
“I’m glad you asked” he smiled exposing his yellow stained and rotting teeth. “I have a son, 15 years old and as you probably know by now no 15 year old can continue on in life without a wife.” He paused “That’s where you come in.”

Everything stopped; I could hear my heart beat and my blood run through my veins. An arranged marriage is nothing I would ever consider. Even though I’ve seen my friends get married many times before I was nothing like them. I had my whole life planned out and a career set in mind. In any other circumstance I would laugh and reply with a stern “No” but food was running low and my mother was getting sicker as days passed by. How could I let my family suffer over a dream that may never come true?
With a quick glance at my father who had his head bowed down in shame or regret I looked back at Mosi.
“Thank you for the offer.” I paused taking a deep breath in “I would happily marry your son.” I lied maintaining a soft face. At this moment my father lifted his head with an expression that read both surprised and happy.

After hours passed by talking about who my future husband was and when the wedding would be, Mosi left and I couldn’t help but feel relived. Within two hours I learned my fiancé was named Othenio and we would be getting married three months from today. I stared at my father as he sat on the kitchen floor staring off in the distance. I knew my father well enough to know he was feeling regret and shame. Even though anger washed over me I couldn’t blame him, he was forced into a corner. He could either sell his only child or let his entire family starve to death. I knelt down beside him and hugged him as tight as I could as he cried into my shoulder.

There was only six weeks until the wedding and I had not once met my fiancé. That was until I was called outside by my father. Dusting myself off I made my way outside where I was greeted by my father, Mosi and a young boy. The young boy looked exquisite with dark brown eyes glistening in the sun, curly hair cut short and a cleanly shaven face all placed on a dark toned, tall and physically fit boy. I was stuck in a trance; living in the rural parts of Kenya I rarely saw such perfection. Stepping out of whatever trance I was in I greeted the three men in front of me.
“Aluna, I would like for you to meet my son, your fiancé, Othenio” Mosi said as he directed my attention back to the young boy.
“It’s very nice to meet you, Aluna” he said with a voice that could melt butter.
I couldn’t get the words I wanted to come out so instead of a warm hello I smiled.
“We’ll give you two some time to get to know each other” Mosi said as he and my father made their way inside the house.
As I mustered up the courage to speak, Othenio made his way closer to me. Close enough to kiss he pulled me in for a hug. Unexpected and slightly inappropriate, he wrapped his arms around my waist. We stood there wrapped in each other’s embrace for minutes not speaking. What felt like hours later, Othenio stepped back breaking away from our warm embrace. With a slight distance between us he began to speak.
“I know this isn’t easy for you. You most likely have your whole life ahead of you and here I am ruining all of that. But I’m here to tell you, if you don’t want this you can walk away no one will blame you” he said with his eyes fixed on me and me alone.
“This isn’t what I expected our first conversation to be like but so be it. I appreciate the offer to leave but I can’t. Your father has offered to help us with healthcare and food, something we are in dire need of.” I said putting whatever dreams I had aside for now.
“Oh, well in that case I will make sure your family is provided with both food and healthcare. I will make sure you are treated like royalty and live a life not like you imagined but close enough. If you were forced into this like I was I will make sure that you are happy.”

Within four weeks of meeting each other we were inseparable, laughing at each other’s jokes and sharing family stories. I have never been in love but this is what I imagine it to be like; two people happy to be together and willing to do anything for one another. At first the idea of an arranged marriage sent shivers down my spine but the idea didn’t seem so bad now.

There was only two weeks until the wedding and I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with every emotion known to man, I did anything and everything to keep my mind off the wedding. Having finished every household work there was and my mother sleeping I needed something to do, anything. Looking around the house I could see water was running low so I decided to carry the almost empty bucket and make my way to the river. The local river was located two miles from my home but the journey would give me some time alone to reflect on what my future would be like.

Filling the bucket with water I couldn’t help but notice the sunset just above the horizon. Always cooking, cleaning and finishing schoolwork prevented me from noticing such a simple beauty. It wasn’t odd that while looking at such a beauty I thought of Othenio.

The bucket was full enough that I could carry it back home without dropping it. As I made my way to the road, where everyone was busy with their daily commutes, I tripped. As I fell I managed to drop all the water I had gotten. More annoyed at the fact I dropped four liters of water than hurting my knee I got up. Picking the bucket off the floor I made my way back to the river. As I turned towards the river I bumped into a man dressed in all black. I didn’t have time to scream or run before the man grabbed me and dragged me deeper into the woods.

Struggling to get free I realized the man was much stronger and I was wasting valuable energy. Within minutes I was dropped near a small campfire. As I regained composure I could see trees and three men also dressed in black. Knowing I was too tired to run away the man that dragged me here made his way to his accomplices and began talking.
Knowing these men were rebels and would most likely kill me, I began to pray. I wasn’t very religious but my mother was a big believer in Christianity. Closing my eyes I prayed my mother would live a long life, my father would be able to find food and that Othenio could move on. As I finished praying the four men made their way towards me. Keeping my eyes closed two men pinned me to the floor while the other two ripped off my clothes. I realized at that moment I wasn’t going to die. I was going to be raped, a fate worse than death.
Morning rolled around and I was still stuck on the floor unable to move. I managed to escape my rapists but not before they took turns stealing every ounce of innocence and virtue I possessed. It had been two days since I was raped and I couldn’t bear to do anything. For two days I didn’t shower, eat, cook, clean, go to school or tend to the crops. I shut out everybody not caring who I hurt in the process even with my mother gravely ill I didn’t care, I couldn’t care.
There was only three days until the wedding and a week since the rape and I could not manage to get off the floor. My father consistently hounded me about the housework and preparations for the wedding while my mother cooked meals that could poison an entire village with its smell. Wanting to get away I stepped outside.
Either I was inside the house too long or the sun was too bright but nevertheless I was unable to fully open my eyes. As I began regaining my eyesight I could see that the crops were dying off, slowly but surely. Not knowing if it was because I was letting my family suffer or the rape or both, I began to cry. In the mist of all my tears I felt a familiar hand touch my shoulder. Frightened I screamed louder than I ever have before. Turning around I could see it was Othenio. With a worried look he pulled me in for a hug. When our bodies touched all I could picture was the three men on top of me as one laughed hysterically in the background. Not wanting to relive that painful memory I pushed Othenio off and ran inside my house.
Othenio made every effort to come see me before the wedding but I did everything possible to avoid him only because when he learned the truth he would never look at me the same again.
Avoiding Othenio seemed impossible now as our wedding day had just arrived. Dressed in a traditional Kenyan dress and jewelry I had to admit I looked pretty good even with a ton of weight lost. Enough weight was lost to sink in my cheeks and define my bones effectively. As I stared at my reflection I didn’t recognize the person staring back. As I stared at the helpless girl in the mirror I couldn’t help but wonder how I could love Othenio as much as he loved me. After the wedding we would have to spend the rest of our lives together and at some point share an intimate moment together. Just the thought of touching could send me to my knees. In all honesty I loved Othenio and always would but I couldn’t picture a life together where every time he touched me I would relive the worst experience of my life. As I contemplated whether to leave or stay I remembered my family needing food and healthcare.
My mind was racing and I found the room spinning and the urge to vomit. Not wanting to collapse or vomit I made my way outside for some much needed fresh air. Being outside I found myself shivering but not from the cold. I was shivering from the fear of knowing I couldn’t go through with the wedding. With only minutes before the wedding I started walking further and further away from the house where the wedding was taking place at.
Before I could take control of my mind again I found myself at the local river where I was dragged from and raped. I found it ironic that my subconscious would bring me to the very place I despised the most. Was my subconscious trying to tell me something I couldn’t or wouldn’t realize before?
As I remembered my family’s need for help and my love for Othenio I couldn’t help but picture the four men dressed in black. No matter what I did or how hard I tried I could never shake off my memory of the rape. Knowing who I was all too well I knew I would hold on to this memory and never let go. Unfortunately holding on to this memory would only hurt Othenio and my family as they would watch me care less and less about life. It was at this moment that I realized what my subconscious was trying to tell me. Before I could hurt my family or Othenio in the future I needed to die now, to spare them the hurt and pain. Before I knew what was going on I found myself walking deeper and deeper into the river.
I couldn’t breathe. My lungs were filling with water as my life flashed before my eyes. A life I no longer wanted to live. Having submerged my body in the river I could see nothing and feel pain physically, from my experiences and knowing I would be leaving the ones I loved behind. But for the past few months I’ve caused nothing but pain and heartache to the ones I loved and knew they would be better off without me. I could only hope after my body is discovered that my family will forgive me and will be able to move on. As for Othenio I could only hope he will be able to find a beautiful girl worthy of his love and protect his delicate heart.
As all these thoughts wandered through my mind I said my final goodbyes as complete darkness surrounded me.