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Gaurdians of the Swords
I got out of my gold convertible, feeling great. I was bored, and it was Saturday, which meant it was time to hit the beach. As I stood up, my gold designer bag in my hand, I pulled off the comfy pink tee-shirt I always wore when I drove to the beach, revealing my striped bikini. It had to my two favorite colors on it, gold and pink. I walked barefoot through the hot, sand dusted parking lot. I darted to the sand covered beach just to get off the hot pavement. It was still hot, but it was a lot better. I put on a broad and honest smile as I strutted down to the cool sand by the water. I raised my hand, and put on my sunglasses, and looked over my beach. I lived in los Angeles, so I went to the wonderful beach pretty often.
I walked along proudly, my eyes darting back and forth at the stupid guys staring at me, their eyes wide. That was the benefit of sun glasses; you could look at people, or even sleep, and no one could tell. Most of the guys weren’t worth looking at, but it was still fun to see them all bask in my glory.
When I finally reached my cool-sanded spot, I pulled out my bright pink towel from my beach bag. Wind blew from the ocean, throwing my golden hair out behind me.
As soon as I sat down, I heard, “Hey!” Taking my time, I turned around. A guy was running towards me. When he stopped in front of me, I looked him over. Now he was worth looking at.
“Do you want to play volleyball with us?” He asked, his average length dirty blonde hair blowing around as if it was trying to escape his head.
“Sure….” I said, putting a flirty smile on my face. The dude grinned, and waited while I stood up. We then walked over to an area where a volley ball net was set up. On the other side was a skinny guy with blonde hair that covered his ears completely. Another girl was on his team too. She had short black hair, and looked happy, but kind of afraid to be here. What was she afraid of? She was with a guy who seemed to like her. Maybe she was just bad at volleyball, and afraid to get hit in the face. That would be pretty embarrassing. But I wasn’t really worried about it. I had good reflexes.
I sighed as I climbed back into my car. Volleyball happened to be a tiring sport. But it had still been fun, and I was going to meet the guy, Jack, at Starbucks in the morning.
I threw my bag and sandy towel into the passenger seat, and slipped the pink tee shirt back on. I turned the key in the ignition, and rolled the top down. I picked up my sun glasses, and put them back on. I pressed my foot down on the gas, and backed out of my parking spot. I then took off down the road, the radio blasting.
I drove to my house that lay right on the edge of downtown L.A. It was a good sized house I guess. Or at least that’s what my friends said when they would come over. Actually, they’d something closer to “You’re freaking rich!!!!” Ha ha. I guess so, but whatever.
I smiled as I drove through my city. It was my favorite place in the world. People starred at me as I drove by. I was barely allowed to drive, and I already had one of the nicest cars in town. I didn’t mind being stared at. I was worth looking at.
I groaned under my breath as I entered the bad part of town. It was a way I had to drive through to get home. At least, if you wanted to get home the short way, and I was supposed to be home in exactly 5 minutes for dinner. Apparently some people were coming over. Did I care? No. But if I didn’t come home, there was always the possibility I would lose my car, and THAT would be a tragedy. I laughed at the thought of walking into a room with some other stupid important people with suits standing there as I wore my tee shirt and bikini. Of course that wouldn’t happen. I’d go through the back door.
I frowned. This part of town was so gross. It was gray, and dirty, and trash littered the streets. There were homeless people everywhere. It made me guilty, and a little scared. I slouched down in my seat just a little, and pressed on the gas, trying to get out of here as fast as possible. The Katy Perry music coming out of my radio sounded awkward in the silent atmosphere. I flipped it off, but it didn’t help. Now it was silent.
Realizing how slow I was going, I pressed down on the gas, and kept driving.
After a few minutes, I realized I still wasn’t going any faster. I pressed down harder. Nothing. I stomped in frustration, but I just ended up slowing more. Seeing that there was no hope, I pulled over to the side of the road as my car stopped completely.
“No….” I groaned softly, taking the key out, and putting it back in again. Nothing happened. “No!! No! Nooo!!!” I yelled trying over and over again, but I knew it was no use. I sighed, giving up. Why had it stopped? The gas tank was practically full!
I reached over to my bag to grab my cell phone. Realizing the creepy people walking around the streets in these parts were starting to stare at me, I ducked down lower, and continued to search my bag. Why couldn’t I find my phone? Feeling extremely annoyed, I dumped out the whole bag, and ended up scattering its contents all over the passenger seat, and floor. Where was it!?! It wasn’t in there! I dived into the back seat, and cleared the inside of the glove department too. It wasn’t anywhere to be found.
Trying not to cry, I took a deep breath. I was going to have to ask someone for help. Someone around here.
Slowly, I climbed out of the car, glancing around nervously. I started walking up the street, looking for anyone trustworthy. I was having trouble finding someone. Gross looking guys kept staring at me.
Suddenly a cold hand landed on my shoulder, “You lost?”
I gasped, completely terrified. Without looking back, I took off and ran, reminding myself never to drive through here again.
I heard feet pounding behind me. But it didn’t sound like just one guy.
What did they want? What did they want? I wanted to scream, and maybe that would have been a good idea, but I didn’t have enough air in my lungs for that. My bare feet hit the ground stinging. I wanted to stop. My lungs burned. I. had. To. Stop.
I turned down a random ally, and glanced back. They were still following me. I looked around. There had to be a way out of here. A fire escape.
I ran up the ladder, and starting whipping up the stairs to who knew where. I knew it had to end somewhere. I was a fast thinker, but not always a smart one.
By cleaning of metal behind me, I could tell I hadn’t lost them yet. These weren’t any ordinary guys that stalked girls. Normal ones wouldn’t be so persistent. Of course, I hadn’t even looked at them yet. Who knew what they looked like. What if they were my parents, looking for me? I amused my self thinking of that, even though it was very, very, unlikely.
I gasped for breath. Now, not only was I running as fast as I could, but I was running as fast as I could up stairs, and occasionally a ladder. My throat felt tired and dead. I could see the top of the building. I had to think of something. Quick.
That’s when I spotted the open window.
I slowed down enough on one of the many ladders that one guy was right under my feet. I kicked him hard in the face, and then using every last drop of energy I had, scrambled away, darting toward the window. I leapt inside, swinging my legs over the side. As soon as I was in, I glanced around, looking for something that could be of use. It was a dark, dusty room filled with shelves that rose to the ceilings. The shelves looked like they were filled with complete junk.
Seeing the door, I darted over to it, turning the knob frantically. It was locked, stupid storage room. Knowing the guys would be coming, and NOT knowing what they wanted, I desperately looked for something to defend myself with, or to hide in. But then they rushed into the room. They wore hoods that made their faces shadowed. Not thinking at all as they charged at me, I backed into one of the shelves.
I heard a clanging noise, and one of the guys exclaimed, ”No!”, and then something hit me right in the middle of my head. My vision blurred into darkness, and my head throbbed.
“Ow…” I moaned, and then after the sensation of falling, everything disappeared.
Wesley Chapel, Florida
JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 28 comments.
simon cowell feedback--you asked for it!!! (don't worry, I will get to the good points towards the end.)
Ok so I automatically loved this to death but not really. I am biased because your character drives and so that makes me automatically assume that she is my age (in 12th grade) and then I was kinda like hmmm this isn't bad at all, but it really needs development in the writing style department.
For example: "I sighed as I... Starbucks in the morning" is a transition that needs a lot of work. Granted, transitions are never easy. But throughout the paper, you have a lot of sentences and transitions that are very synopsis-like in nature. Instead of summarizing what happened, narrate it. Remember you can fast forward too--especially past step-by step "how to drive a car" instructions (step 1 turn on ignition, step 2 put on pink t shirt, step 3 put on sunglasses, etc.)
Here's an example of how you might narrate:
"After the volleyball game I was tired but on cloud nine. I tossed everything in my car and hit the city, a smile glued to my face, Katy Perry blasting, my foot sinking deeper into the gas pedal. People were staring at me--I didn't mind I was worth looking at."
I really liked the humor you injected in throughout the piece--like the one line I stole from you at the end of the example. Add more of it! It helps characterize the protagonist and makes this story more lifelike and interesting. Also, don't be afraid to have the character talk out loud or think out loud:
"Did I care? No. But... tragedy"
That was an example of really good narration. I don't know if you're going for an archtype rich girl or someone you know personally, but either way, make sure you're not afraid to really dive into what those kinds of girls really think, act, and talk like. Maybe your protagonist is sassier, maybe she expects hot guys to be after her, maybe she's a sweetheart deep down inside. I don't know. You do know (or you should find out) what she's like. Have fun making her come alive--whether you're satirizing rich girls or creating an alter-ego or both, don't be afraid to really get inside their heads to create this character (and don't forget to have fun with it ;)
So in summary, you could improve most by improving on narration and characterization. Read some chick lit books to see how others do it--I'm reading "Sloppy Firsts" by Megan McCathry (might have messed up her last name big time) and it's helped with a lot of elements in my style--and I don't write chick lit haha.
keep up the good work!
7 articles 0 photos 196 comments
"Live your art" -made this one up myself. Simple, but true.
I couldn't stand the girl from the start although that's a good thing. She seemed self absorbed and stuck up. You did a good job with that. I found that you repeat yourself though and could describe things in more detail. Like you said sand a lot in the first paragraph. Also, usually in action scenes such as this short sentences are good but you have some that aren't an actual sentence. They make sense in your head but not on paper. Like: I was going to have to ask someone for help. Someone around here.
You do this type of the a lot. Grammar isn't my area of expertise but depending on the sentence you could use a comma, semi colonm or a dash, or paranthesis.
In the first paragraph (sorry about the skipping around) you say: I raised my hand, and put on my sunglasses, and looked over my beach.
you take out the first 'and' and its already so much better!
I hope this gave you the gist of it. I would like to see where this story goes. Good job!
15 articles 2 photos 64 comments
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