My body right now lies on a surface with some irregularities. I can snugly call it a bed. Bruises, scars of the past, wounds that have not yet healed camouflage my skin which once used to be beautiful, warm and soft. I cap it with right now with a blanket of supple nature, something which I don't get easily. I'm mostly suited to things or persons or things which are hard. The blanket make me want to just cuddle in it and cry my heart out. The blanket makes me want to be happy again. The blanket makes me want to hope again. Even after all this time, something has been able to show me that Ray of light.
I watch the roof of my room; a room whose walls cover lilac colored wallpapers. Those make me want to puke sometimes, those make me want to laugh sometimes, and those sometimes make my bones go mushy. A room where I've cried, the room where I've secretly died, the room where I hide, the room where I lie, is all I have left now. Nothing is in my hands at the present moment. Nothing is in my possession in the present moment. Nothing is in my control in the present moment. The room is what makes me feel alive. We, humans, are rare; rare and very awkward species. Usually our attachment grows towards non-living things and we believe that they are the ones who have been with us through hard times rather than believing that living things have made us feel more alive. Well, astonished by this hypothesis when I heard about this for the first time, today I believe in this. This room is what made me go through hard times.
The roof is all the time same. I stare at it, and some elucidation or closure I always do find. Sometimes in the process of finding either one of those tears come and sometimes laughter. It's always a jolt. I see it right now. My thoughts spurt at a pace even Usain bolt can't defy. Thoughts running in my mind bring negativities. Nothing but negativity. Solutions that it is forming are the ones which I feared. Is it time to accept the reality? Have I lost him? It's the same roof. The one which we both used to watch and in that duration we used to promise each other a lifetime. Is it over in the split of a second? It's the same roof I used to stare when I had problems regarding stuff and I used to come to satisfactory elucidations. But the reverse is happening. Damn, it's the same roof. Tears now roll now. I can feel my nose running. I feel my pillow. The one which used to be soft now turns hard. It is wet. I feel my hair, not always silky but made me proud. They're wet. Tears roll down as if it were raining. I search for my earphones. I put them on. A sudden blast in my ear occurs. Someone is shouting. I'm scared. A sudden pain in my head is now occurring. Glimpses of my life flash before my eyes; happier times of me and him. I see him kissing me. I see my father loving and caressing me and my brother. I see my brother caring for me. I see my family dropping their selfish reasons. I see my friends loving me. I see a place filled with happiness, a place which once I used to call home, and a place which once used to give me warmth because of its happiness. I see myself happy. That is the first time in the past year that I've seen myself happy. I'm smiling. My ugly teeth flash a brilliant smile. My eyes are now filled with tears of happening. Flash! Everything is gone. Darkness now gathers me. Something is killing me. I feel hands on my neck. It was the same roof. The same room with lilac wallpapers. The same bed with those irregularities. What is now happening? I feel myself struggling of breath. Something again flashes in front of me. I now recognize the hands on my neck. It's pain. That familiar pain, my best friend pain who is now killing me. Finally he has understood that there is nothing left in my life which it can destroy. It's freeing me. Freeing me from this darkness, sending me in a world of less pain maybe? But no, I see flashes again. Flashes of the most horrifying memories, him leaving me, him hurting me, friends tired of me, brother abusing me, dark selfish reasons of my family, my father abusing me. No! I don't want to see this. This is darkest lane down memory lane. I feel myself struggling; with what all I have left inside of my tiny little body, to just run away from this lane, to fire away. I want to go. Somewhere where pain would leave me for a day or two. Somewhere where the sun still shines. Somewhere where the trees dance. My fantasy is hindered by the sound of cracking. Ohh yes pain has now broken my dreams, my jar of dreams. It's so sweet of him to just make me realise that the place where he is sending me doesn't require for me to have any aspirations. It's where wishes are pre-fulfilled. I now feel my sides of the body ache. A sudden pain takes over my body. I'm dying. I don't know how but just somehow dying. This pain, in the end moment feels so sweet. I never thought that I would feel like this when I was dying. But maybe I guess when life tires you so much by its funny little pranks that you can’t anymore bear; you even feel the pain of death as sweet. I'm now happy. I'm leaving. I'm leaving his memories behind, hopes of a future behind, expectations from my family behind, love for my friends behind; all the things that hurt I leave them behind. And then I see a glimpse of the room, the roof everything for a split second. And it's gone. It's engulfed me. I'm at peace for good.