Pain. It consumed me and rolled in waves against my body, pushing me under and drowning me. A gasped for breath when my head broke the surface, but then the ocean of hurt spiked again and I was dragged under, choking me and making my ears pop. It weighed down my chest and eyelids and as I struggled against the current. People swarmed around my like fish, teasing me as I fought to keep my heart beating.

It will be fine. The fish called to me. Stay with us under the water. I wanted to tell them no, tell them to go away and let me be free. Free of the pain and the shadow of death that loomed over me like the biggest fish under the deep. Come play with us. I don’t want to play with them. I know that if I sick my hand in the lion’s mouth, there is the risk of my hand being eaten. I just want the pain to stop. I want it to end!

I sink deeper and deeper as my body spazzes with each new pain. The corral reefs that always looked better on Tv, were grey and lifeless and out of the corner of my eye I see an eel, striped and silent as it watched me sink deeper down. My vision begins to darken and and I know that I may not win. I realize that I welcome the release. Release of pain and suffering and the worry. All I want is to make it stop. I don’t want to be stuck at the bottom of the ocean any more.
My heart stutters and pants and I blink slowly, the silence consuming me. It screams at me, pressing against my eardrums and blankets me in tranquility. The fire in my bones begins to dampen and the pounding in my head lessens. It is peaceful, and all is still. My heart beats once. Twice and hesitates. A third time it beats, and then, nothing. The sand presses around me and I see the fish swimming above me, their sharp teeth illuminated in their dim glow. You lose. They tell me.

I know. I tell them back. I will not resurface. The striped eel, spirals around me, he begs me to keep fighting. He pinches and pricks me nodding and whispering to me. I tell him I don't want to be in pain. I tell him I don’t want to fight anymore I want the pain to end. I squirm in agony as her goads me, the pain spiking with each word. NO! I’m not sure if it was death or me that screamed the two letter word. it might have been both.

Keep going. The eel whispers. Keep trying. I ask if it will stop. Will I ever be rid of the pain? Swim. And then I do. I swim up towards the surface, and shake and spazz as the waves try to pull me down again. The fish circle me and nip at my bare ankles. Stay with us. They plead. But I know I can’t. The flashes of my life winds its way through my mind. For Them. I remember others, and It hurts my head. They towered over me, drunken madmen with stained fists. They hurt me and the blood pooled around me. Red and sticky it stained the waves maroon. Death wouldn’t win I told the waves.

There was light ahead of me and I welcome it with open arms. My head breaks the surface and I gulp generous breaths of life into my lungs. My eyes open, bright light casting eery shadows of the alley walls. The sirens scream into my ears and I writhe as the pain returns, even greater than before. My head seems to split and along the seams and melt my skin, leaving me an empty shell. The fish hiss and I begin to rise, exhaustion taking control. I slip into a dreamless sleep, blissfully unaware of the commotion around me.

Warmth envelopes me in a blanket of security, it reminds me of when I was small and I would curl up on the couch next to my mother and listen to her read to me. I miss those things now. The next thing I notice is the heavy weight of my head on my shoulders, like when I would hang my self over the edge of my bed when I was bored and all the blood would rush to my head. My eyes snap open, the scream already rising up out of my throat.

“Time for the autopsy.” The fish hisses between razor sharp teeth. “You lose.” And the ocean pulled me deeper still.