The solūtōi

Proposed by a victim

It’s 10:11 at night and I have three pages to write; therein lies our issue:

Procrastination.

The relevance of the issue at hand is insurmountable in regards to our future. It flows freely and rampant in almost every school, spreading and infecting like a virus. One may suffer at the hands of academic suicide as a result, giving up on college or any chance of a future. It is mandatory that this issue is addressed as the ever so demanding world requires new thinkers. What would we do without a new generation of doctors, lawyers, politicians, and scientists. Without a solution, our society will crumble as we know it. Never before has procrastination been this high, this rampant in our classrooms. A study published by a school board indicated an exponential growth in procrastination. We at this moment are at the peak of this growth.

However, issues such as these are rarely easily solved, so if someone was to solve such a complexity I’m sure they would gain an immense amount of my respect as well as recognition from the smartest of our society. This individual would be recognized by the esteemed People Magazine as the sexiest man alive, or female for that matter.

I digress. The solution is relatively simple when looked at from a different perspective. And it consists of multiple parts. Any order is ok, it would vary state to state, maybe one day on a global scale. However, children in Africa don’t have a procrastination problem; if they did however, this solution would work for them too.

I’m going to dumb down the solution so everyone understands. Especially the procrastinators themselves. They don’t have a clue about what’s going on. Why would they? It is the job of us, intellectually superior and myself to look after the less fortunate. Besides, I wouldn’t want to sound like a pompous bombastic asshole would I?

“The grades of procrastinators on average are lower,” stated a man I happen to be close friends with. He requested to remain anonymous for his own protection. Unfortunately, modern day procrastinators have taken on violence. It’s not prevalent in news stories as they also procrastinate violent protests. The savages are a burden to society, compared to the super predators of the 1460’s.

A solution is mandatory. It is as follows:

Execute all procrastinators and their parents.

This is brilliant so I will allow it to sink in for some time.

Time’s up.

Now, one may consider this method a minor inconvenience. But how will society further if an elite few are not willing to make a sacrifice of the many. I look upon historical examples to prove my point. There are none against it!

The mafia has a similar approach to dealing with inconveniences, if a crime family slips up “the root is pulled” that being the entire family is killed. That is why the mafia is so successful in their activities: they do what no human is willing to do. If the mafia does it, it must be correct.

There is also biological (It has to due with DNA and such, for those who don’t know) support for executing the parents. Procrastination has recently been associated with a genetic anomaly in the 47th chromosome. A published study from the school board stated that the 47th chromosome is related to a person's ability to learn. This study shocked the scientific community as well as the world when released.

The execution will be simple, we will take procrastinators and their parents, then we will launch them into space. They don’t deserve to take up room on earth with their dead corpses, so we will put our tax dollars to work. Elon Musk’s stock will go up so our country will also be the greatest. The tax dollars will come from the money saved by not taking care of procrastinators. It’s a brilliant scheme, and I take credit for it.  

Originally the plan was to reform the education system in some way. Perhaps focus on the process instead of the end goal effectively relating learning to the material instead of a test or helping students with their workload by having teachers consult with one another and know lesson plans or perhaps establish block scheduling so teachers can focus on one particular group at a time or maybe have guidance counselors address students on a one to one basis. The concept was strange, however it seemed too difficult to enact as well as get support for. I personally made the decision that it was a completely idiotic thing to do. The college board, with the stock label of evlcourp, agreed with my plan. Since college board agreed, it was immediately enacted.

I just got off the phone with the president and he was happy to talk with me about my plans. Typically he would be focusing on the first lady at this hour, yet he felt obligated to talk to me about the betterment of this country. He’s a good man and knows when action needs to take place. He thought it was one of the most brilliant ideas he had ever heard. He compared it to world war two and how successful Hitler, was until he wasn’t.

“Survival of the strongest. You know, I think it’s brilliant, amazing, perhaps one of the greatest ideas anyone has ever had. I love it, and I think it’s going to be great for America. You are a national hero, a true American thinking just like one, you know I’m a true American. You know who else is? President Snow, for his ideas on population control, you should read his work and collaborate. I appreciate your dedication to this country, it is making a difference and will forever be remembered, the people will love it, I know they will.” -The Don

President Coriolanus Snow had proposed a hunger games for “population control”. My idea is better however, as nobody cares about population control.

The benefits of eliminating all procrastinators outweighs the opposition. By effectively comparing the pros and cons we see the choice is clear. There are no cons. Boom. How can one argue with such a clear answer, I’m surprised nobody has come up with this solution sooner. Some things are debatable such as women's suffrage and slavery, yet this answer is clear as an 80 year old’s pee.  

Anyways, my plan will take care of it all. This society doesn’t need philosophers or artists, creative writers or innovators, thinkers nor new ideas. Steve Jobs was a procrastinator, look where he is today, dead. Same with Leonardo Da Vinci, look where procrastination got him, dead. This society needs those who will be successful and contribute to society, not these low life idiotic procrastinators.

I would know, I am one.  

-11:56