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fat and ugly
“You are fat and ugly Holly, and the world would be a better place if you were dead.”
I stared blankly at my computer screen as the words seeped into my soul, piercing me like a sword might.
This was not the first time this had happened. In fact, I received emails, phone calls, and even in person confrontations just like this on almost a daily basis.
I clearly remember when the messages started, in summer 2007. I was a happy go lucky 14 year old girl. Of course, I was a little self-conscious, but generally, I loved and accepted myself.
“Everybody one-two-step…” My cell phone blared my familiar Ciara ring tone, signaling a new message I was certainly when I opened up my phone displaying the message from “anonymous” telling me that I was fat and ugly.
What had I ever done to deserve this treatment? I mean, okay, of course I’m not perfect, but I pride myself on the fact that I am nice to everyone.
The messages didn’t stop there.
Soon I began receiving almost daily email and telephone messages attacking me for who I was. “Holly, I’d ask you out…only I don’t date girls that weigh two million pounds.” Or, “Holly I think I saw you at the beach yesterday…oh wait, it might have been a beached whale.”
After receiving the death wish message that Saturday, I slammed my chair unto the ground and ran into my bathroom, examining myself in the long wood paneled mirror
“I AM fat and ugly,” I stared in disbelief. I mean I had always known I was a few pounds overweight, but looking into the mirror that day I thought I looked obese. “They were right all along.”
Instead of ignoring the messages, I began to take out all the anger on myself.
I quickly grabbed a toothbrush and jammed it down my throat. From that day on, I began to purge two or three times after meals.
I couldn’t control what messages I received or why I received them, but what I could control was my weight. Everyday I would jog or do weights, crying if I could not fit at least five hours into my daily routine. I would take laxatives two or three times daily. I lost 25 pounds, but felt just as fat inside.
I knew I needed to get help and soon checked myself into a rehabilitation center. Now I am doing much better. I just started a new choir group and am spending lots of time with my new friends at high school. I recently had the great pleasure of being able to tell my story for Tyra Banks on her show. If I could go back, I would never have listened to what people said about me. Don’t let what others say about you become who you are, and never, ever, take the pain and harsh words out on yourself. You don’t deserve it.
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