Fitting in. The progressive form of the phrase “to fit in.” How is it possible that just two simple words can haunt society and hold power over vulnerable adolescents? Though my mind can’t begin to comprehend the idea of what this phrase truly means, these words admittedly took a toll on me for a period of time. If someone asked me what fitting in meant a year ago, I would have responded by stating that in order to “fit in,” one must have dozens of friends and do what you must in order to please them, being skinny, wearing make-up, wearing just enough clothing that you won’t be considered a s***, etc. If someone asked me what fitting in means today, I would say there is no such thing because every individual is unique and therefore should not try to hide their “light,” or what makes them different, but rather strive toward achieving the ability to stand alone and being comfortable in one’s own skin. Though it may sound easy to do, it is a lifelong struggle to be happy with yourself. Take it from someone who has been labeled countless of times due to how different I am from my fellow peers and my natural compatibility to get along with adults.

This is my story:

As I grew older and my perception of the world changed constantly, it seemed as though my life became firmly dictated, more so than before, by the idea that beauty lies in perfection and in order to “fit in” or “be cool”, I must act in a certain manner. At the age of 12, I transferred into a new school. I had always been a shy person, which made this transition especially hard for me. I did not hold a full conversation with any of my classmates until 3 months into the school year. I still remember how lonely I felt and how badly I wanted to be accepted. Recess was always the hardest part of the day for me because I was not sure what type of crowd I belonged to. My class was divided into various cliques and every week I found myself with a different one, trying my best to act like those kids in order to fit in. I underwent so many changes in my attitude, my clothing, and my speech in the span of one year. I was so desperate to feel like I was not alone and had real friends that I practically would have done anything for others to like me. I went through a stage in which I desperately wished I could lose weight and look like all the other girls.

In the months prior to entering high school, I believed everything would be different and I would have a fresh start. I no longer wanted to feel like the outcast. However, once August rolled in, I found myself confronted with the same situation, not knowing that the fight to “fit in” would continue throughout my freshman and sophomore year. Although I believed that I had grown as an individual since my struggles, I had not yet overcome my fear of not being accepted. I continued to strive to acknowledge who I was and what defined me while trying to become who I thought I wanted to be.

In my freshman year, I had always felt different from the other girls, as though something was wrong with me. Most of my classes were regular instead of honors and it was a completely different environment. I would overhear conversations about girls getting drunk, hooking up with guys, and then sleeping with them, and from that point on, I knew that I truly was different. I could never become one of those girls. I am not one of those girls. I finally came to the conclusion that nothing was wrong with me, or them for that matter; they just had different morals and values than the ones my parents instilled in me at a very young age. 

Going to lunch was an everyday struggle because I never knew who to sit with. I felt uncomfortable wherever I sat and it was obvious to the other girls in the table. For those first two years, more than half of the conversations during lunch dealt with sex. It was not acceptable. I no longer wanted to fit in, in the traditional sense. I just wanted to be myself. I begged for them to stop discussing their personal lives because I wanted to enjoy my meal but it continued on. These girls had no respect for my wishes. I had been raised in a very conservative and “old-fashioned” manner, which is why I have never been able to grasp the idea of how open they were about their private and sexual lives. The gap between me and these girls kept getting wider day by day. I gave up on trying to understand their mentality and tried to keep my distance from their influences. For weeks at a time toward the end of my freshman year, I would spend lunch time hiding, weeping, and eating in the bathroom stalls until the classes resumed. I didn’t feel safe. I prayed for things to change during sophomore year, but they did not.

It was not until my junior year when I began to act toward improving myself so that I could finally be happy with who I am. I made it a priority to delve deeper into my faith, and as a result, I found refuge in God as He protected me from getting caught up with the hurtful judgments and temptations that appeared everywhere I turned. I also opened myself up to new opportunities of meeting different people, through which I met my closest and supportive friends who have been by my side at my weakest moments. However, finding this great group of people was not simple because I had to cut off various toxic friendships to get to where I am today, which is: at peace with who I truly am- a nerd, a singer, and a proud Salesian. Finding a way to be comfortable with yourself is a lifelong journey and I am not ashamed to admit my downfalls because they have ultimately made me stronger. Speaking from experience, living a happy life is definitely more fulfilling than striving to “fit in,” because it can only take you so far if you do not accept yourself first.

Now, I am not going to pretend that I have fully accepted myself, but I am honestly proud of the progress I have made. Even though I continue to straighten my hair on a daily basis because of my embarrassment toward my natural frizz, I have still come a long way. Just a few months ago I would not have gotten on the dance floor, yet I am now able to dance without concern of embarrassing myself and being stared at. I now hold my head high as I walk through the hallways instead of burrowing my head in my books or staring down at my iPad. For those who have dealt with similar situations, these steps forward are truly life-changing if I do not stray from this path of progress.

I understand that everyone must go through certain experiences in order to mature and become wiser but I hope that one day, the amount of suffering adolescents go through to be accepted by society diminishes. In present day, girls carry such a large burden over their shoulders in order to conform to the expectations of society. We forget that it is okay to be different, to be the odd one out. We must often remind ourselves that how others perceive you, does not define you, but rather how you act and how you perceive yourself. Although we as humans, especially young girls, continue to battle with ourselves and have inner conflicts about our identity and purpose, we should continue to hold our heads high. Just as Saint Francis de Sales once said, “Be who you are and be that well.”