February 3, 2016
A Smart Alternative to Modern Dating
The majority of teenagers and young adults in the United States date by a means
of what is called ‘modern dating’. Modern dating is the act of going out on dates with a
person that you like, whether this person was met in the physical world or through the
internet, and possibly developing a relationship with that person. Unfortunately, this
approach tends to yield a collapse in grades and tends to lead to an accumulation of
social pressures such as premarital sex or acting in ways that either partner in the
relationship does not want to. The reason for grades collapsing often has to do with the
fact that relationships take a lot of time and energy to maintain, especially when the
relationship is not being monitored by a responsible adult, such as a parent. Modern
courting, on the other hand, allows for more energy to be spent on other matters
because the relationship is monitored and clear boundaries have been set. An
alternative to this option is reviving a very old tradition that was used for centuries in
cultures all over the world. This revision takes courting and bends it slightly to fit
modern culture, while still keeping the core values in tact. Opening courting to modern
interpretation, by taking away the looming marriage proposals, offers both teenagers
and adults a way to thoroughly get to know each other before their relationship
becomes very serious. This opens the possibility to marriages lasting longer, and the
individuals experiencing more fulfillment.
The act of courting has several different traditions stemming from it, but the most
common skeleton of the process involves suitors and marriage. Suitors would court the
woman with chaperones in a public setting and the individuals would get to know each
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other through means of communication rather than through staring into eachother’s
eyes and hand holding. This more often than not, led to marriage. To revise this
tradition, the term “courting” has been changed to “modern courting”. Danielle Tate, a
woman that was married through courtship and an author of a blog and several books
on courting defined modern courting as “purposeful dating with accountability in a real
environment around people you trust” . Modern courting takes the same process of
courting in the past, and removes the possibility of immediate marriage. In the past, the
process of courting lasted anywhere from a couple of weeks to at most a year. Today
the revision of this practice starts with either pre courting or the courting itself taking
several years. It marries dating and courting by having the relationship be more casual
but still aiming to get to know one another. Modern courting also opens the opportunity
for the parents of the individuals to be involved in the relationship.
Unfortunately, because of not only biological urges, but also the hypersexualized
world that we live in, relationships are often extremely physically intimate and very often
lead to premarital sex. This is highly common in many dating practices as the US
National Library of Medicine reported that, for example, in 2002, 75% of adults have had
premarital sex. Because of this very high rate of premarital sex, it has become culturally
accepted as normal and morally right in the United States. An alternative that could be
used to deter this train of such practices would be the application of modern courting.
Modern courting often stems from the desire to stay away from the direction that society
is taking us. Modern courting practices often encompass the use of family, religion,
chaperones, and trust. This deters the participants from premarital sex because the
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participants are open with their religious community about their relationship, they are
open to a responsible adult that will help guide them, and there is almost always a
chaperone around with the two? which further keeps them out of trouble. Furthermore,
because their relationships focus on getting to know one another and uphold religious
practices, the trust between the two is much greater than those in a modern dating
relationship.
Courtship often involves a period of precourtship
when the two individuals are
getting to know each other as potential matches? this is usually exclusive, as it is not
common for individuals to be seeking more than one match at a time. This takes the
pressure off of the possibility of marriage. Often courtship leads to marriage? which
creates a sort of dark casted shadow over the relationship because marriage is often a
scary topic to teens, even if they are committed. This prestep
eliminates the fears that
are often associated with commitment. Dating, on the other hand, directly jumps into
the act of dating and then if it works out, marriage. Pre Courtship not only adds more
time for the two participated in the courting to get to know one another, it also
decreases the rate of divorce. The San Diego Divorce Center found that:
[C]ouples who date for between one and three years prior to marriage develop a
romantic friendship during the this phase. Their relationships are sweet yet
steady and remain lowkey
in nature. There is little drama in the relationship and
little drama follows in their marriage. These couples know each other well
enough to see each other through the most testing times.
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This excerpt helps demonstrate that during a lengthy courtship the individuals become
very trusting and the divorce rate is much lower. The San Diego Divorce Center also
found that if a courtship lasts one year or less then the marriage is very likely to break. If
it lasts 3 or more years then the marriage is highly likely to be successful with a high
rate of happiness shared between both spouses.
Statistics show that many past courtship marriages did not work out in the United
States. This tendency was found most commonly in courtship relationships starting
after the 50’s due to women gaining more power in the United States. These past
relationships tended to have a slightly higher rate of divorce than even the tradition of
dating before marriage. This is because in traditional courtship, where aking the father
of the girl if she could be courted was the equivalent of a proposal, the courtship
typically only lasted a year. This is referring back to relationships as late as the 90’s
whose marriages are now or have fallen apart. The same divorce rate is true for dating
relationships in the 90s, and even now. The problem is the lack of time to get to know
one another. modern courting has added an extra step where pre courting often starts
in high school and then carries throughout college where, typically, the end of college is
when the actual courtship takes place. This adds years to the process which insures
more sureness of the decision between the couples. Modern Courtship also allows the
individuals to get to know each other on a deeper level.
Modern Dating takes into account most relationships in the United States where
the individuals are not already married, are not courting, or are not the so called “friends
with benefits”. Modern Dating also comes equipped with social expectations that are
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pushed on the individuals through many sources, whether it be social media or peers.
These social expectations could be premarital sex, kissing, or even making that person
a priority over school, family, religion (or lack thereof), and friends. Many of these
relationships are toxic and in the future the parents involved in these past relationships
feel shame about their decisions. Furthermore, the Huffington Post shows that about
30% of marriages in the United States end in divorce. The factors that they said lead to
a lower rate of divorce comes from higher education, lengthier relationships before
marriage, and as a result the individuals are often older when they get married. This
plays easily into the hands of modern courting as the individuals are often not only
wellversed
in the truth of God, but there is also a demonstration that these individuals
often have high academic success. Furthermore, with lengthy courtships there is also
more time to get to know one another? which further pushes the divorce rate among
modern courters down significantly. Modern courting takes away many social pressures
involved in dating and allows the teenagers or adults involved to remain happy and
stable in their relationship? whether or not the process follows the exact skeleton of
courting from the past.
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