Dear Lilly,

If you've ever loved and hated, adored and shunned; felt tenderness, affection, warmth of endearment towards someone, but at the same time felt animosity, indifference or enmity towards them, you've been in love. There's a lot more to love than just smiles and loving, or licentious words. Love can be platonic or romantic. It can be shared or a silent secret. Love is whatever you make it. You can have a lack of love for someone, but it's still love, just not in abundance. I hate how you treat me and I hate that you don't know me. But it's in the cursory moments when we just click. We harmonize. We correlate. We cohere. Even though you'll never know.

In those moments, I can truly see why I keep going and loving you. We're platonic soul mates, and I love you, even though I hate you. When you're happy, I feel alive. And I hate when you ignore me, like the air you breathe, even though I am essential to your existence. When you ignore me, it is truly the worst, even though you don't know who I am. Although you say words to me, whispered words that you will forever remain deaf to, the meanings aren't there. All I see is the ghost of your happiness. Mocking me about what used to be. It's like I'm talking to a different shade of what once was. Like light and dark blue. When you look at one, you say 'blue'. And yet, when you look at the other, you say the same. You regard them similarly, when really they are quite different. You only show people one color of your life, Lilly. But, they need to see all the different individual shades of who you truly are. Take two steps back, and I push you five steps closer to where you want to be. You can't get where you want to go by being afraid of how you'll get there. You don't think that people get to the store by fearing the highway. There is no easy road, there is only the right road. And for some reason, you insist on walking in circles.

I try to help you because I love you. I can't be without you. As much as I hate you I will still be here for you. You are me. You are how I define myself. I want to know you'll be there for me, even when I remain a mystery to you. And there's so much that I want to teach you. I want you to see all the different colors of the world. The different shades. Dull and vibrant, dark and light. But all you see it grey. I wish so badly that I could fix it. Somehow, in someway. But I can't, no one can. What you have is incurable. I try and try, maybe if you'd just close your eyes... You'd be able to see me. To hear me. To know me.

I wish you knew I existed. But, I'm just in your head. Just one of the voices. I want to stop you from making mistakes. I scream at you to stop, and yet you remain oblivious, and ignorant. I wish to save you from the world. Nobody knows you see grey, not even you. I stay here, praying you'll notice me, and lift me out of oblivion so that I may help you.
      

You're hurting, I know. I can feel it deep inside of me. And I understand. You're not to blame, though. You've had it rough for quite some time now. You've suffered failed relationships, hear breaks and abandonment. I'm sorry for that. Truly. Even though you don't know I'm here, I will never completely let go of you. You have influenced me in a way that nobody else can. I couldn't leave you even if I wanted to. Sometimes I think about how nobody cares about you in the way I do. I feel your pain, I do. so know exactly how it felt that day. I know exactly how it felt that day when he left. And though it hurt unlike any pain you've ever endured before, you're okay. You are fine now. And no matter what happens, you will always be okay in the end.
     

He never loved you in the right way. But me, well, I love you the way someone is supposed to love someone. I hope that, in time, you'll come to realize what's really going on. You'll survive this life and you will one day, hopefully, meet me. You will one day be truly happy, and will no longer feel pain. I was you once, but you started seeing grey, and a different person you have become. I hope you know not of sorrow, pain, or care. I love you, and I miss you all these miles away. I know you'll make a fine, pious woman one day. But, until then, I'll be here.

                 XOXO

                   Lilly
      p.s. Love yourself