Why do I always choose the wrong path? I never learn. I go back to the danger. Hungry for more. It’s never pleasant.  I don’t know why. It’s never fun. I guess I just like to punish myself. I don’t want to stop. 

 I look up at the sky. The clouds devoured the light. The sky groaned and grumbled as the storm raged on. Raindrops pelted down. They licked my forehead, sliding down my cheeks. I stood up straighter.

Light exploded above me. It danced across the sky. It fell through me. Electrifying my mind. Shocking my brain, so that I can finally feel something. It set off every neuron inside my head like a live wire. My head on fire. My blood screams louder than the rain. Lighting is beautifully painful as it shocks me. It was euphoria then pain. The electricity carved itself in my back, purple lines bleeding across my flesh. They cascaded over my ribcage like estuaries. They burn at the touch. Jagged teeth protrude from my raw flesh. My brain is so hot, it’s blisteringly cold. My thoughts became corrosive again. Is the ecstasy worth the pain? 

After the crash, I never feel it is. But I keep coming back for more. I’d rather feel electricity than the sun. The gentle touch of the sun’s rays never helps me. It bores me. You need to work hard to appreciate the sun’s heat after you’ve been electrocuted. I don’t wanna work hard to feel better. I’d rather postpone my pain until tomorrow. I’d rather choose the quick fix. Do I even deserve to feel better? 

Everything feels so insignificant. Life is so fleeting. It’s hard to stay grounded in the present. Why should I be allowed to wish to die when others’ lives are forcefully taken from them? I wish to die while others fight with every fibre in their being to stay alive. It makes me feel guilty. These ideations loom over me like storm clouds. The ironic thing is, I’m also afraid to die. My thoughts clash like thunder and lighting. The ultimate oxymoron inside my brain. 

I just wanna feel human. I wanna hear the sound of my heart. Let my blood sizzle. Scream until my throat feels dry. Staring out at a vast field beyond me. The cool grass below, tickling my ankles. The sun’s rays caressing my cheeks. Not feeling so alone anymore. My heart sparkling with electricity. I wanna feel powerful without lightning coursing through me. I wanna be my own spark. A powerful entity. One day I will be my own spark. Feeling alive and free just for being me.