Dear Mom and Dad, 

I wish you could see how hard I’m trying to please you. I know my best won’t measure up to what my older siblings have done, but I do try. I beat myself up for things I can’t seem to get right, but I also just keep flaws and insecurities from you because I’m afraid of what you would think of me. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells, hiding within my own home, because I am fearful of what you will have to say. I keep secrets and hide my emotions because talking to you about what is going on inside my head, well it’s just like trying to explain to a blind man what color looks like. I know deep down you both try your best, I know you do want to help. However, I know you will never understand my struggle, my pain, because neither of you grew up with parents like yourselves. Parents that are loving, but are never afraid to call you out in front of other people. Parents that degrade their children but in a laughing matter so it is not seen as offensive. Parents that have forced me to be someone I am not. 

Over the years, I have learned some very important things about parenting. When your child is upset with you, never apologize first. Let them come to you and then just explain how you’re right and they’re wrong. Always assume how your child is feeling, because they don’t know their own emotions anyways. Following that, jump to conclusions and assume your child is out to do something you won’t approve of. Never trust them to make decisions for themselves. No matter how old they become, they will never know what is best for them, for that’s a parent’s job. Lastly, protect your child from the world in a way that is so suffocating that they count down until the day they turn 18, in hopes that they will finally have a say. However, age is just a number. 

I wish you both could see how broken I am because of the damage you’ve caused. I wish you would finally look at me, really look at me. I have lied awake many nights wondering what I might have done to deserve all that comes to me from you, but I can never find an answer. I ask of you both, take it easy on me. I try, I try so hard, and I care what you think, but I don’t value your opinion. It is because of you that I will always push to have the best relationships with my children, because I know firsthand what it is like to have parents that see past you and choose what they wish to see. What you see, is not who I am, and who I am is not what you make of me. It is who I always was, but someone you never got to raise. 

I’m done trying. I’m done pretending that things are okay between us, because they never will be, at least not until you no longer have I say in what I do or who I can be. I pray that that day will be soon, and that I can finally take control of my life, that I will be able to take back what is rightfully mine. 

                                                 -Not the same daughter you raised