Everyone thinks about things, but you never know exactly what is in a person’s thoughts or mind. So I’m going to let you into my head a little. It’s not what game I’m going to play or what’s for dinner. You see, I’ve been hurt a lot mentally by myself and other people. So, that plays a toll on me as I’m an excessive overthinker. It hurts sometimes. I want to cry. But, in this world, men aren’t supposed to be sad or cry. It’s hard when you constantly think “Am I good enough” or “ Do they hate me?” 

I hate that I’m like this. I truly do. 

I zone out thinking about if the people I care about are going to stay by my side or leave like others. I have a fear of being left all alone in the world. I acted goofy and like, I’m never sad but in reality, it’s all a mask. 

Let me explain. 

I am not saying it’s all fake, but on the inside I’m fighting myself. You’ve heard people say everyone has demons. Well, my demons are me. I’m my best friend and worst enemy. One minute I can be telling myself “I got this, I’m good, I’m the best”; then 2 seconds later a voice in my head that sounds just like me says “No you’re not, You can’t do this, You’re too weak, You’re not smart enough.”

I know it sounds bad, but I hate feeling useless and like I can’t do anything. So sometimes I get frustrated with myself because I’m not “strong enough” or “bright enough”. Most people won’t admit it, but I hate my thoughts. I try to drown the thoughts out with music and laughing. I've been hurt so much I have to force myself to feel things. Sometimes I just feel sad and I don’t know why. 

This all started in 7th grade and got worse in 8th grade when I lost the person that helped me deal with my feelings and thoughts the most. I lost my grandma on December 20th,2020 to COVID. My grades dropped and I barely made it to 9th grade. During my freshman year, I didn’t really care about school anymore. I came to school and just slept. I wanted to fight everyone that tried to get an attitude with me, even the smallest amount. I hated that version of me. 

I never want to go back to that. 

So, I made friends, good friends, and got a girlfriend. I thought it was good, then it just went downhill. Now I’m in 10th grade and she spread what happened and twisted the truth so a bunch of people sees me as a monster or criminal. Do you know what that does to a 16 year old boy? It hurts knowing that no matter what you do, people will define you by that past. So I spend my days trying to get better with grades and prove them all wrong. I’m going to show them I’m better than them. 

That's what goes on in my head. 

Crazy isn’t healthy. I know sometimes I feel crazy. Everyone does sometimes. Just don’t beat the craziness.