One guy. He looked at me and in his eyes I could see he loved me. He would've treated me like royalty. He would've given me the world if I asked for it. He would've done anything. Anything for just an ounce of love in return. But he watched me waste it away on guys he was sure would break my heart, but I didn't want to listen so I ignored everything he said. Turns out he was right. He was right about everything. He could see everything so clear. He could see my beauty beyond my looks. He was the comments that every girl posts on her myspace about "That Guy". He was there for me at my worst when no one else would listen and watched me push him away at my best. He called me any time of day just to hear my voice, I returned the favor by rarely answering his calls. He called me beautiful, in return I called him a nerd. He gave up his weekend and drove 6 hours to come and see me, in return I ignored him the whole time.
I couldn't ever picture my life without him. I've been hurting him and been so selfish with my own feelings that I entirely shunned out his. It seemed that he would never leave me, I thought because he was so crazy about me. So I took advantage of his feelings. I toyed with them even. He was everything and more that kept me going. He made me feel so good about myself, but I had nothing to feel good about.
How do you reverse things you've done? How do you take back the words that sunk into his head. Words that he'll remember forever. How do you fix the friendship and relationship that you've built with him when he finally is learning life could be better for him without you in it, when you're just starting to learn that you're life without him is pointless?
Who knows what can be done? How can you apologize to someone who doesn't answer your calls, doesn't return your texts, who lives half a state away?
My whole life I've only ever dreamed of meeting a guy like him. A guy who sees past all of my flaws and sees the person I am. The guy who sees the girl I could be, the one who knows I deserve better than what I think I really deserve and what I've been settling for. He's everything and more than any girl could ever want.
Someday he will make one woman really happy, and she should know all that I am saying and she should appreciate him to the fullest extent. She should look at him and know that she has something great, something rare. She should know that he would be fully devoted to her, that he would be there to catch her when she falls, that she will never have to feel the cold hard ground beneath her. Because he is everything.
He's protection. He's security. He's warmth. He's the smile you see every morning that let's you know life is beautiful.He's the happiness of your life. He is too much too explain yet there arent enough words to do so anyway.
And what kills me is that he can only have one number one girl in his life, and she wont always be me.
I'm her now, but slowly I feel myself, my importance, even the urgency he feels to talk to me shrinking smaller and smaller and soon it'll be nothing. I won't exsist in his mind, I'm not even sure I'll exsist in my own.
I'm not planning on writing a novel... I'm not planning to shed more tears and feel the ache even more than I already do just writing this here. But he deserves to know. He deserves the truth. And the truth is.
As much as it would've killed me to say it before, a part of me will always love him. I may not be his happily ever after. I may not be his soulmate. I may not even be his girlfriend. But he is a part of who I am, a part of who I've become, and he is very well shaping who I'm still becoming with every little thing he does, believe it or not. Exaggeration, some may call it. But it surely isn't. It's all true, as I said he deserves it. So why would I lie?
It burns me deep inside to know that we won't be like this forever. To know the feelings you had for me are extinguishing and burning out like a dying flame. To know that I'm just one less thing to worry about; one less thing on your agenda; one less call to make; one less problem. I'm sorry I lied to you about so many things. I'm sorry for not appreciating every little compliment. I'm sorry for not praising your efforts to win me over. I'm sorry for not listening to you but I only expected for you to hear me. I'm sorry for never returning the love you gave me. I'm sorry for hurting you the way I did and never taking the blame. I'm sorry for all that I've done wrong. I'm sorry for leading you on. I'm sorry for the person I was then. But most of all, I'm sorry for waiting till it got to this point to tell you all of this. To finally open up to you about how I really feel. It's something I should've done long ago. Idk where it goes from here. This might be the last chapter of the book. This might be the beginning of something new. Maybe even a fresh start. I really don't know.
But the truth is in the simplest way, I, as a young woman, me, as a writer, myself, as Brittney, could put it is that you are like no other guy I've ever met in my whole life. You have treated me better than any guy, you have been there for me through everything, you are amazing and nothing short of it. You will always be in my thoughts, in my prayers, and even moreso in my heart.
Believe my words. But don't hold them against me. Heed them and do not overthink them. It's simple. And I do mean it.
I love you.