Liars. Heathens. Havoc-bringers. All loosely related nouns that I thesaurus-ed used to describe the topic of this article. But what do all these nouns have in common, you ask? They describe one despicable group of people. Who, you ask? And why am I asking so many rhetorical questions, you ask?

These are the thieves of our rights and patience. These are the seductresses of even the purest of hearts--the hearts of our mothers, our lovers, even our politicians!

These are the environmentalists.

It’s easy enough to assume everyone’s encountered at least one before. They, with their, slick, sly, statistically proven claims seem to be everywhere. Even in our subconscious. But who are they, really, to judge us for our personal choices? What do they think they are, even--college educated?

Those who preach they are only trying to save our planet often hold that they spread nothing but the truth. But the only things these people are really spreading are lies and unwanted self-reflection on destructive behaviors that are frankly none of their dang business. Truthfully, many of these baloney-lipped individuals rarely know what they’re actually talking about. Words and numbers have no relevance in the real world. People nowadays hear a scientist say something on television and suddenly it’s true and indisputable, almost as if having a “pHD” is a big whoop.

Take the big, bad, so-called “crisis” of global warming for example: said to be a steady increase of global temperatures over the last hundred years, supposedly leading to the melting of polar ice caps and rising sea levels. A pitiful cause, yes, but true? According to the environmentalists, the earth’s temperature has steadily risen 1.4 degrees fahrenheit over the span of the twenty first century. And yet, I can specifically recall that the Dairy Queen on Inman Avenue in Edison, New Jersey was open this entire winter. If the earth’s so “hot”, where’s the man running this place getting all his ice? And if the earth’s surface has only gotten hotter, shouldn’t there be less water in our oceans? Is it just me or are these environmentalists forgetting about the property of evaporation? Does the water cycle, a totally fully explained topic in the context of this argument, mean nothing to these people?

And don’t even start on the topic of littering. The notion that we are anything but free to decide what to do with our own trash is frankly ridiculous. Any myths of animals supposedly hurt by our waste lying around are just that--myths. The request in itself pretty outlandish as well. If I had to walk to a trashcan every time I had to dispose of something, why, that’d be utterly suffocating! It would honestly would choke the life out of me. I cannot think of any burden heavier than this, one that feels quite literally like I have swallowed a plastic bag and am experiencing a slow and painful death amongst the corpses of my family floating alongside me. To be honest, I cannot even think of a less dramatic simile to describe this feeling.

So in the end, is there really any reason to care about this planet of ours at all? Is completely destroying our atmosphere’s chemical balance, clearing the earth’s surface of any living thing other than humans, and polluting our ocean till it’s turned as green as the added money in our wallets really so bad? Afterall, the incontestable 2008 Disney film Wall-E is enough proof that we can all simply pack up and move into space just about anytime we please, especially considering how well the lives of the people in that movie panned out.

So the next time you feel yourself becoming swayed by the fiction of your academically-qualified science teacher, just remember that if the world really does eventually dry up and shrivel away, at least we will forever be protected by our blissful, impermeable bubble of ignorance.