Dear Amanda | Teen Ink

Dear Amanda

January 8, 2008
By Anonymous

Dear Amanda,

You were one of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life. You were sweet, beautiful and you had an amazing personality. I loved when I got to go up to the lake with you and Lainey. At first, every time we saw each other, we were shy and didn't talk. But after an hour or so, we got into talking and pushing each other off the dock into the lake. Haha! Remember that time you and I took out the row boat with Lainey and Conner? That was so funny when they finally started to catch up, we made them let go and swim back to the dock from the middle of the lake! Good times!! I also remember that time you were washing your hair in the lake and you offered me some. I remember the way it tingled and you said you would only use brand name shampoos. I'll never forget that. Lainey tells me she wants to help you live your dream by starting up cosmetology. I think it's very sweet of her. She misses you so much. As do I, and the rest of your family. Lainey is so lonely now- but I promise you, I will look out for her as if she was my own sister. I will follow in your footsteps and only let her do whats best for her. She got her braces off on Monday- I bet she's really excited. Oh, God, Amanda. Why did you have to die? You're still a kid and you had so much to live for. You had plans and stuck to what you loved for the entire time I knew you. I really wish we got to get a lot closer. Don't you? I just wish we got to spend more time together, Lainey too. Lainey said at your birthday party, after all of your friends left, I was the last to leave with my family. She said a song came on the radio and you said “Aww! This is mine and Mike's song!” Amanda- I really hope Lainey can remember what song that was, because I will cherish it forever in my heart. I asked Lainey if I could have something of yours to remember you by. I would take anything, but I really want something personal of yours. One of your favorite things ever. What was that? What would you want me to have? Help her seek out a good trinket I can have to always remember Amanda Pearl Martin. I love you, Amanda. We all do. I'm getting your initials, APM, in between my shoulder blades this summer. I'm getting it done in a beautiful font and I'm very excited for it. It's so I can always remember you and everything we shared. And, it'll kind of be like having you with me all the time. Wow. I just put the date on this paper. I typed it in and realized you have been dead now for over a month. Amanda, it feels like literally yesterday we were goofing off at the lake. I cannot believe you died, let alone die in such a terrible way. I want to know how it happened, Amanda. How did you die? Lainey said you were racing a few days before your death. Were you racing someone? Were you avoiding an animal? Whatever it was, I'm so, so very sorry. But I know for a FACT, you were not texting. I know you weren't, and everyone is very upset with your aunt, Linda for saying that's what you were doing. I guess no one will ever really know. I was also reading this article online- it said you WERE NOT wearing your seatbelt...which you were. So I posted a comment on the article and corrected them. I was honestly very upset by this. They need to get their facts straight- otherwise they're spreading lies, right? I thought you'd like to know that. I keep looking at your pictures, Amanda. Over and over again. I'm really hoping your Grandma or mom or even Lainey can dig one up of me and you at one of your parties, because I know some were taken. I'd love to have one. I'll look around our house too. We got your senior picture in the mail last week. It's gorgeous. We have it in a frame I used to be in, and Karen made a joke saying that you would like “to be on top of me in the frame” so she put your senior picture over my older school picture. I love it. Karen found one of you and Kyle at her wedding. It's the only ones we can find. You guys are looking at each other. It's a really good picture, honestly. You'd like to see it, although you guys really did not end on good terms at all. Sorry about that. I never liked him, you know that? Never. I always felt you could do so much better than him. You were beautiful inside and out and he really didn't have much to offer on the outside. I also hear 3 days after your funeral, he had a new girlfriend. That very much so upset Lainey and myself. What a jerk- seriously. Why would he do that? You guys dated for two years and 3 days after you DIE, he moves on. So what if you were broken up. He posted a comment in your Memory Journal online that “he'll always love you, you were the best girlfriend ever.” If I ever see him again, I'd punch him. He is not a gentleman in anyway. Amanda, there is so much more I want to say to you, but I basically have. Talking to you every night before bed. At your funeral-which by the way, was one of the most upsetting things in my life. Let me tell you about it. We got there 10 minutes late, my family and myself. There was a line going out the door, down the side walk to the street. My entire family waited hour before getting inside the building. Then an additional 20 or so getting to your casket. It was so sad, Amanda. So sad. You were lying there all stiff. You had on a Hollister zip-up sweatshirt. Everyone was so sad. You didn't look like you Amanda. Not at all. Your facial expressions were not there in any way. You have the type of cheeks like..circular ones..I guess. At the wake, your face was very long and had no natural “puff” like your face always had to it. It was very upsetting. I was so upset at that wake, I couldn't even cry. Have you ever been so shocked about something, so upset, you can't even break a tear? At that wake...I was so upset, I had no emotion what soever. It was very unlike me in fact, because I am a very sensitive person. It wasn't you, Amanda. It was your body, but you could just tell there wasn't anymore “Amanda” to it, you know? I am planning on coming and visiting your grave sometime soon. Either with or without my family. I want to sit down in front of your headstone and read you this letter. I want you to hear what I have to say and I want to be able to say “Goodbye” because I never got to do so. I love you Amanda, please look down on us all with care and guidance. We all still need you here. Rest in peace. You're forever in my heart.



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