Being that my parents have been divorced since I was one, I have never experienced being part of a ‘traditional’ family. Instead, unlike most of the kids I was surrounded by, I lived out of a suitcase two weekends a month and divided my time between two houses, two sets of rules, two extremely different parents. Through these times, although I didn’t develop the strongest relationship with my dad, I still felt a connection through our love of hockey. But, that connection changed when I was in sixth grade — he found a new person, my step-mom, and together they established their own ‘traditional’ family — a family that didn’t seem to include me anymore. I wanted our daddy/daughter connection back. I wanted to feel that I belonged, that I was needed, wanted.

He did not even ask my brother and I what our thoughts were on her or if it was okay that he was going to propose to her, nothing. Instead, we found out just like the rest of the family, on Christmas. This certainly made it worse; Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. It is supposed to be filled with love and excitement, not disappointment and misery. When I first found out, my grandparents, my aunt, and my uncle were all so excited and thrilled but I, on the other hand, was not. I felt like I was in a nightmare, time stopped, all I was thinking was, Why is this happening? Why didn’t he tell us sooner? How could he not understand how this could affect us? I was just waiting to get pinched so it could all be over and our lives could go back to normal. I used all my force and will power to ensure that I did not break down and start crying like the baby I so badly wanted to be.

My dad and I have never had that “Daddy’s girl” relationship, but at least before he got married I would spend the night… or even go to his house. Not only was his getting married a enormous change to my life, but so was everything that followed...  

  They now have their ‘traditional’ family with not one, but two kids. It is extremely uncomfortable; one is fourteen years younger than me, the other is sixteen years younger. I’m treated like their older aunt or babysitter, not their half-sister. Not only did I lose the attention I so badly wanted from my dad, I also lost my bedroom. Oh, that’s not even the best part — I found this one out when I went up to my room and opened the door, only to find myself staring at a crib — my things nowhere to be found. This was very upsetting because I no longer felt welcomed in his house. Although my real brother and I did not sleep over a ton before all of these changes, we completely stopped then, not just because I did not have a room, but once we began to get “Shhh’d” when the kids went to bed, could not play ping-pong after a certain time, and had to watch movies with the volume so low you might as well put the closed-captioning on, there was nothing left for it to feel like a home.  

My dad used to go to all my games, now he doesn’t. My dad used to take me out to dinner, now he doesn’t. My dad used to play with my brother and I, now he doesn’t. I guess you could say I am jealous, but it’s more than jealousy. I just want my dad: his attention, his time, his unconditional love.   

I guess the part I hate the most about everything is how uncomfortable it is for me; feeling like a guest when I walk into the house I once considered home brings tears to my eyes. I am not close with his wife, my ‘step-mom’. I am not close with his kids, my half-siblings. Hell, I am not even close with my dad. I occasionally go over there for dinner but I just get so caught up in thinking about how the kids get so much more of my dad than I do that it’s unbearable. It also does not help that when I did choose to go there, that once-in-a-blue-moon visit, his wife asked what grade I was in or how old I was now. Honestly, just imagine getting asked these questions, she is my step-mom, I am her step-daughter… I am positive she should have known these answers three years ago, and she should know them now.     

At times, I think back to my relationship with my dad, how it was, and how different it could be now had he not found her. I wouldn’t have to knock on the door every time I visited. I would still have my room to sleep in, his house would feel more like home. I would get to see him more and have a real relationship with him. He would know what makes me happy and sad. He would know where my favorite place to eat is. He would know what classes I take in school. He would know my friends. I would have the dad that I envy others for having. I hurt a lot because my dad has pushed me away, but I am thankful because I have learned so much from these experiences. Rather than being hardened by this, I’ve learned to value the relationships I have with others in and outside of my family. I cherish time spent with my mom, brother, grandparents and friends. Their love is unconditional. They are there for me when I need them. I do my best to make sure they know how much I love them as they mean so much to me. I appreciate them for the time and effort they put in to having a relationship with me.