You Are My Reason Why

The song “You Are The Reason” by Victoria Justice is a song I can relate to. The song is from one of my favorite shows all of you have probably heard of, Victorious. Everything from that song brings me back to my past. A folder of my memories opens back up in my mind and spill everywhere. Leaving me drowning in my thoughts but not in a bad way and I guess I can’t say in a good way either.

“I don’t want to make a scene, I don’t want to let you down.”

Where do I start? You’ve been around since day one. From my first words to my first steps. I know you don’t remember but it's the thought that counts. All the mischief we would get into as kids. The time I stuck a sparkler in my mouth at the age of four. Running back and screaming as the flame reached the top of my mouth. From Barnie to Teletubbies, partners in crime. I always looked up to you and I never wanted to let you down. I always tried to stick by your side, copying everything you did. I mean what are little sisters for? I would mimic you all day long.

“I don't even care, When they say you're a little bit off, Look 'em in the eye I'd say, "I can never get enough"’

As we got older we went our separate ways. You liked books and boys (I know, weird combination), I liked the outdoors and to go out with friends. A new journey every day. We would cross paths sometimes, maybe say hi but most of the time fight over who knows what. We became so different most of the time, I didn't feel like I had a big sister or really anyone to talk to at that point. She was always out with some boy and I would leave with some friends to getaway. We all have different ways of coping with our problems and I guess we just disagree on how each other did so. I’d ignore the world and go out with friends to escape reality. While she would journey out onto the Internet in search of anyone who could love her when she couldn't even love herself. She didn't see me even though I stood right in front of her. But I saw her even when I wish I couldn't. She made herself noticeable everywhere she went. Everyone knew her. When I listen to this song I can imagine my sister saying this because I always knew how to make her laugh. Even after a horrible day and she would just walk past my room and I’d be singing about how chicken nuggets are better than people, changing up lyrics from different songs. Not even meaning to, just my existence, being there made her happy.

I’ve always been jealous of her smile. Even her laugh was the greatest. Boys fell madly in love with her right as she walked into the room by her stunning beauty. Something I never had. 

But that was then. Let me take you to a time when finally things became better.

After years and years of becoming so far apart, something happened. We’ve mostly been in the same school all our lives but moving to Farmington, a small town with only three hundred kids (if that)  in the high school changed our lives. We had classes together and since we didn't know anybody I tried sticking by her so I didn't look like I had no friends and I know I could make some if I followed her because everyone loves her. After a while, we had the same friends. We hung out in the same group. We always sat together in class and just like that she was my best friend. We may not have agreed with everything but we just avoided things we knew we disagreed on. We may not know each other as our friends did but we knew each other in a way our friends didn't. In school, out of school, at work, we talked, talked and talked. If we were too lazy to get out of bed we would even text each other even though she lived right down the hall. Months went by. We were inseparable. For once, finally, in a long time, she was my big sister. She grabbed a hold of that responsibility and chucked it off a 15 story building.

6 am Saturday, January 12th, 2019 her 18th birthday,

I woke up to my door swinging open and my mom heavily whispering “Where'd she go?!” And I knew then that my sister and my best friend were gone. I felt betrayed, yes. Worried, correct. I sat there balling my eyes out. Holding my stomach, I couldn't breathe. My whole world fell right out of my hands. Sitting there wheezing, suffocating my mind on why I wasn’t a good enough reason for her to stay, blubbering in my sorrows.  Days I just couldn't get out of bed and face living my life without her. Facing the empty seat beside me in class. The pure torture it was to walk to school and having all your friends and teachers ask me where she was and not being able to give them an answer or even myself.

Months went by, not only me but my whole house drowning in the negativity floating around in the air.  She blocked all of our numbers. It was as if she fell off the planet. My whole life just flipped completely around. “ I made you my world and you threw me away just like everyone else!” I would scream at night. Laying in bed, my mind suffocating. Myself, drowning in tears. Sitting there screaming but no sound escaped. My face was on fire, my whole body, shaking. Pictures of us surrounding me around my room. The thought of her not being here anymore. The pain she would never know she caused. She left and I knew that the way she left was her way of saying goodbye forever. How did I know? I’ve only lived with her my whole life. At this point, whenever I heard this song I would start bursting into tears because I never wanted to let her down and I focused so hard on never letting her down I didn't even acknowledge that it could be the other way and that's exactly what happened. This song made me realise what I had and how it’s now gone. The fact I should’ve crashed what I had when I had it, but I did. So why did it still feel like I never did enough? I mean she left me stranded like a beached whale.

My mom came home very late one night and I heard the front stairway door open and I knew something was about to happen because nobody uses that door. My mom comes through and behind her there she stands. Tears came shooting out of my eyes, I threw my arms around her and just started drowning us both in tears.

The song now, helps me realise that sometimes things might not go as planned but you should still stick by the people you loved the most. 

“Cause it's alright; keep it together, Wherever we go...whatever Everybody needs to know, You might be crazy, Have I told you lately that I love you?” 

We never really said I love you but we just knew. So once and a great while I’ll send her this song to remind her.

“You are my reason why.”