11/3/22

I’m lost,

At least for words

I don’t know what to do anymore

I don’t know what to say 

All I know is that I got another one

Another long paragraph saying I’m too young for him and he needs to date other people

I already knew that

I didn’t plan on both of us thinking the other is cute and that the other should be with them

Together

Next to each other at least  

I’m lost in shock at how they say they “see why he cares about you”

I don’t even see it 

I’m lost at how he likes me or thinks I’m “cute” 

I’m lost at how people think I’m strong or friendly or “amazing”

I’m lost for a way to see how it’ll work out

See how it's going to be okay in the end 

I’m sorry

He told me to stop saying sorry

I promised 

I broke it 

And I said it again 

And again 

I said sorry after that second message was sent to me 

I shouldn’t have

But I did

I later said sorry for being a “distraction”

He said he had seen the text

He said you didn’t agree with it

I still felt bad 

He deserves better 

His parents say something similar 

Something close but not quite the same

He just turned sixteen

And I agree

It hurts but

Yeah he should have fun dating someone “16+”

I DON’T deserve him

By the time I'm six-teen

Will we still be friends

11/5/22

That all hurts

But which will hurt more

only getting to talk to him for that one class

Or not getting to hug him

Those few things from him

You know 

The ones that make you...how would you say it

Of course 

It's simple

The one reason

The reason you get up in the morning 

The reason you go to school

Because you get to see him

And you feel like it'll all be okay 

He makes everything worth it

He makes the long classes worth it to see him

To see him smile

To see the little ways he tries to make you smile

Or try to cheer you up

Or offers you his jacket when you’re cold

The ways he tries to impress you

And when you laugh cause he succeeded 

He has his little side glance at you

And the smile that comes along

His cute little smile from which is formed

Cause he thinks you are “adorable”

Or that you’re “cute”

11/7/22

I shouldn’t miss him this much if we’re just “friends”

It’s a problem

Like I’m obsessed

It’s not like this has never happened before

But this time wasn’t as cruel

Last time I liked a guy I got made fun of for it

I gave up

Defeated

As they had hoped everyone taunting

Picking on their easy target

11/8/22

I liked him but he liked me

I still wonder did he ever care

I know he did

But I'm just scared 

What if he goes home at night and just laughs

Laughs at how stupid I am

For falling for his joke

Was just texting me for five hours straight

Making it all up

To get information out of me

To use me

But not just as a joke

to make him feel better about himself

I know that's not true 

It feels like it though

11/9/22

They said they wanted us to stop

So we did

We tried not to text as much

We still hugged

But it was not enough 

We have to spend every minute

Hour after hour

Trying to ignore that I like him

He likes me

But it all ended

We stopped everything

The hugging

The texting

The “over-personal conversations”

What do they mean by that

“Over-personal”

What's Their description of “over-personal”

That we can relate to each other

That we can hold a conversation that won’t ever be boring

I know they said they “aren’t mad just concerned”

Is it bad that I feel like they are mad

And I feel like they don’t like me

I’m mad at least

Because I can’t talk to him at all

Except for that one class

That one class I have with him

The one class I look forward to

Even then I’m not allowed to talk to him

Because class is in session

So during that one lunch every few times a week

It’s the only chance I get

To see him

To talk

To feel safe 

To feel like it’ll be okay

And that other's opinion about me doesn’t matter

But now it feels like nothing matters anymore

I think I complain too much

About this

But it's fine

I don’t matter

And I don't want people to feel bad for me

Or pity me

Or try to reassure me that I’m pretty

Don’t waste your breath

11/11/22

It’ll all be fine at some point

I’ll move on at some point

Sooner or later

In the end, it just won’t work

It won’t matter

In the end

It all just hope

And wishes

For something so far 

Yet it feels reachable

11/15/22

I keep having fake scenarios

That 

We

End up together

It sucks

I shouldn't even talk to you

And my brain

Is taunting me

Hanging these thoughts in my face

Laughing at me

Saying this will NEVER happen

So dream on

Imagine all of the possibilities

You and him

Ha you can’t stop it

The wild thoughts

of you ever dating him

Never,

It won't happen

But keep on dreaming

That's all this is

Its a dream

A want