There are so many ways a person can die. A gun, a blade, a disease, suffocation, things around us, or a simple heartbreak. Mine was the last one but, I was not actually dead, I was alive, healthy, and strong. Many people that die of "heartbreaks" usually think its because no one loves them. That is different for me. I have people all around who love and care about me even when I am at my worst. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it...sometimes I can make myself think that no one loves me. My dad has cancer. Usually people describe me as headstrong, smart, brave, and athletic. I cant see how anyone can say any good things about me because usually I don't think of myself like that. Usually, I see myself as a person like everyone, trying to get by in life. I also see myself as a writer who can write down what i feel because I cant talk about it with anyone, and if I do then they just try to give my advice but, they have no idea what its like. I wouldn't say I'm not happy because I am. I just haven't been able to feel a lot of happiness. I mean it makes me happy knowing that my family and friends are safe...I am just always worried. Everyday I go to school and tell myself to not let it bother me but, even on the days that are fine the thought of my dad dying is still racing around in my head one hundred miles an hour.
I am currently in middle school and you could say that I am in the "popular group" but, it just seems like I have a lot of friends who, like me are just trying to get by in life. My favorite class would have to be Language arts because of all the different ways I am taught to write. I wrote this not to long ago, its a diary entry...
May 3, 2010
Today has been the worst day probably in the history of bad days. I tried to think on the positive but, its not even close to working. In my mind I ask why him, why now, and is this my fault? My mom told me that whenever a child is in pain the parents always wish it were them. Well, I wish I was the one who had cancer. I mean how can a man so strong, so fearless, and so headstrong be waisting away, breaking down till the point of death? In life there are many things a parent can do to protect their children but, what can a child do to protect their parents?I wish I could care, love, and protect my parents like they do for me.
Love,
Shannon Louise Murray
I realize how much a parent can do for their child. But, why cant children protect their parents? When kids are little they are told one hundred times " I love you" and when we are little we don't know what that means but, as we get older we can say it back and mean it. Now, when I say I love you to my parents they can look in my eyes and see how much I really do love them.
But, with everyday that goes by I become more afraid and more cautious. My mom says its just because I am growing up, everyone says that. What they cannot see is how afraid I am to grow up, make mistakes, and say the wrong things. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life that very few people know about. After I do them I wish there was a remote to life, that can replay, pause, fast forward, and rewind things. After I make mistakes I realize how much they hurt the people around me, how much pain I put them in, and watching the fact that when they try to help me...I do not listen.
There are many diseases out in the world Cancer, AIDS, and many more that takes lives everyday. Sometimes when I think about it I can feel the pain and sadness that people are having at every moment of the day. Yet, what I realize is there is nothing different between dying and living. They are the same things. Everyone is dying inside no matter what. Some people are dying faster than others and sometimes I think they are lucky. Living is harder than dying. When you are living you need to be careful, smart, and do your best. When you die you are free, free to move with the wind, in haven, and around the world. There is so much pain when you are living, so much anger, and so much sadness. I look at myself and say...My name is Shannon Murray and the cause of me dying is is life. A lot of people don't know what I mean when I say such things but, in my mind it makes perfect sense. Goodbye for now.
Love,
Shannon Murray