“Fall in love,” they said “it's the most amazing thing you will ever experience. Falling in love is like diving into a deep blue ocean. At first, you are amazed by what you discover. However, there is only so much time before oxygen runs out and you have to swim back to shore. No one ever wants to talk about the pitfalls, heartbreaks, and empty feelings that can also stem from being in love. My first time being in love was life altering and I'll never forget it.

When you first meet someone, you never expect them to mean the world to you. It's never your intention to give them such a huge place in your life. That wasn't my intention when I met this new stranger in honors chemistry. I couldn't even fathom the idea of us being friends. I had heard so many different rumors and things about them. Surprisingly, the year progressed, and we grew more and more tightly knit. As we grew as friends, I began to fall for them: the sound of their laughter, the way the light touched their eyes, and the way they had the ability to make me smile like no other. I was head over heels within weeks, but I was confused by these intense feelings. We were too different. It didn't seem right. I was afraid.

I didn't know what was happening and I detested that feeling. Following my instincts,I revealed my feelings. The reaction I got was not expected at all:they still loved their own first love. This news hit me like a ton of bricks. It hurt but I still hadn't realized its full effect until much later. As our relationship grew further, I found myself experiencing feelings that I'd never experienced before. Jealousy and insecurities ran my life. I was constantly second guessing myself. Love was supposed to be making me feel like an ethereal being, but instead I only felt physically and mentally ill.

The realization that I was in love came about in the following summer.

“If you could go back in time, where would you go?” I asked trying to spark a conversation. The response sent me into an emotional frenzy. They told me about a date which I assumed had everything to do with their first love. I was furious at first and then hurt. More hurt than I'd ever been. The gulp in my throat was the size of a golf ball, and I couldn't swallow it. Tears flew from my eyes like a powerful rainstorm. I couldn't understand why I was feeling the way I did. Thoughts rushed into my head and I came to the conclusion that maybe I felt the way I did because I wanted them to love me. I wanted them to feel the same way I felt. Later that night, I finally told me what had been ravaging me for hours.

“If you love me, tell me.” they said.

“I love you.” I replied with the utmost fear.

“ I love you too.” I was finally met with a response that embodied everything good about this whole “love” thing. It was the greatest feeling. I felt like nothing could go wrong ever again, but of course they did.

The next week was pure bliss. It seemed as though the happiness would never end; I couldn't stop smiling. The thought of someone belonging to me and belonging to them was exhilarating. This illusion came to a violent halt on the following Friday.

It was rainy. During the entire course of the morning, I could feel it in my veins that something wasn't entirely right. I hadn't talked to my significant other all day. Naturally, I was a worried wreck. I took a leap of faith and sent a text. After about an hour,I still didn't feel any better. Then those four words came.

“We need to talk.” These words rang in my head that entire night. To this day, they still haunt me. I knew then that my bliss was over. It felt like someone had just stomped on my rib cage; I couldn't breathe.

“You said you loved me...” I pleaded.

“ I don't deserve your heart if I can't give you mine.”

I cried a broken cry for hours that night until I couldn't cry anymore. I was angry, confused, and hurt all over again. When I look back now, I think in some way I could have understood why they did what they did, but I was blinded by the hurt. The awful gnawing at the bottom of my heart could not be assuaged. How could someone be so cruel? How could someone claim to love me, yet hurt me so deeply?

My feelings have gone unchanged for the past four months. I'm still in love and I think I will always be. I will always deal with this hurt, but I suppose there is a lesson to be learned from this all. Even if I can't see it right this moment; however, that doesn't change that I went through what turned out to be a traumatic experience. Those who only speculate the positive aspects of a love story just don't know.