When I was little, I thought nothing would ever change. I mean, I knew I would get older, but I never thought Frank, Allan, and Ruthie would leave, or we would move, or depression would fall on me. Let me start from the beginning.

“Ruthie is pregnant,” Mom told me as soon as I woke up. I will never forget the look on her face or mine.

“How long has she been pregnant?” I asked, not quite understanding what this was about to do to our family.

“She has been pregnant for a month now. Don’t tell anyone, Jackie!”

“Can I tell Alexandria and KIra?”

“NO! You can NOT tell anyone!”
……………….

When I got to school, I had to tell Alexandria (Zan). She was surprised. I wasn’t surprised though. Later that day, I told KIra. She wasn’t surprised either.

“RUTHIE IS PREGNANT!” she yelled.

“Shhhh…. I am not supposed to tell anyone.”

“I knew she was going to do that!” I didn’t, though.
……………….

After we found out Ruthie was pregnant, Frankie stopped coming over and Allan rarely came over. We all went our separate ways once they left. We weren’t a family anymore. We still don’t have the same relationship we once had. I don’t think we can ever get it back. Even after all that we have been through, I am to stubborn to go back and act like nothing happened.
…. 9 months later….

“Did Ruth have the baby yet, Mike?” Mom asked Dad. Allan and I were in shock because we didn’t know that she was about to have a beautiful baby boy who one day would be my lil’ flumnugget.

“Mom, why didn’t you tell us that Ruthie was in labor?” I yelled angrily as Allan passed the bacon.

“That explains why last night she looked like she was in pain when she came out to get a glass of water. She looked like she was about to cry,” Allan said.

“Jackie, I’m sorry we didn’t tell you guys. We thought it would be better if you didn’t know.” I was thinking I would have rather not known anything. If I had a choice to know something back then, it would be the future. That way I wouldn’t worry.
…. One week later….

“Ruthie, he is so cute! I love him! Listen to the song I came up with!” I said excitedly.

“Jackie, I am so tired. Maybe later you can show me,” Ruthie said, fatigued.

“Okay, Rutie! Can I hold him?”

“ If you sit you can hold him, Jackie.”

I was so excited to hold Aiden. Ever since that day, he has been my joy. The smile to my face. I love him with all my heart.
….2 years later….

“Grandma, Aiden is buckled in and ready to go!” I shouted as we got in the car to go to Ruth’s wedding. By the way, Ruthie had another son named Noah who was a few months old. She was marrying a guy named Fernando who I despised and still despise.

“Okay, Jackie! I will be right out!” Grandma shouted back.
………….

When we got to the church, none of the other bridesmaids or my sister were there. While we waited Mrs. Cole, Fernando’s mom did my hair. Ruth finally got there and went on with the wedding. Allan almost didn’t come, but his mother made him.
….About a year later….

I haven’t seen Allan, Frank, or Ruth in about five months. Mom and Dad are looking for a place to move to. I don’t think we are actually gonna move. I mean, would my parents actually take me away from the place I knew and loved? I didn’t realize how important Pawtucket was. Now I do.
.... 10 months later….

We are moving out of Pawtucket today to Uxbridge. I am so upset. I don’t want to move to Uxbridge. There is nothing to do out there in the country. I am leaving everything behind. It hurts, and Mom is already grumpy enough because of work. I don’t think it is smart to move closer.

As we drove away from that little blue house on Memorial Drive, all the memories of my happiness flashed through my head. I realized I would never see that place again. It was gone forever. All my memories and happiness were gone.
….3 months later….

Today I start a new school. I am so scared. What if they all hate me?

“Hi, my name is Sarah! What’s yours?” said this short blonde girl with a huge smile.

“My name is Jackie,” I said, not knowing what to think. Than these two boys walked in and were staring at me. I was thinking, What the heck are you looking at? but I didn’t say it. Little did I know these two boys would be my best friends in a year.
….1 year later….

“Hey, Drew! How was your summer?” I asked Drew. This was one of the boys who stared at me a year before.

“Good! It was really fun!” he said excitedly.

“Awesome!” I said.
…………..

In sixth grade, Drew and David were my best friends, but they didn’t know how broken I was on the inside. I was so nice to people and seemed so happy. Everyone believed the fakeness in it all.
….January….

Aiden and Noah were sleeping over that hopeless night. It was late and I was crying, I couldn’t stop. I had had it with everything and everyone. I wasn’t nearly as perfect as I should have been. I kept looking at Aiden and telling myself not to do it as I typed out my last words to people. The next thing I knew, I swallowed eleven atenolol pills. Then I went to bed.
……………
I woke up the next day, wondering why I was still alive. I was still upset, but glad I had another day with Aiden and Noah.
………………

“CARRIE HAS RUTH’S CAR!” Mom yelled at the top of her lungs.

“ MOM, TAKE A CHILL PILL! IT’S JUST A CAR THAT ISN’T EVEN OURS ANYMORE, SO GET OVER IT!” I yelled back. She never helped anything, and she always made me mad. She still does.

We all just took a walk around Ruth’s work. We were quiet.
………………

During and after my shower, I cried. I couldn’t stop. I wanted help, but I wouldn’t tell anyone. I don’t think anyone would have cared. I just went to text Zan.
Zan: What were you about to tell me?
Me: Nothing. It’s not important.
Zan: Then you can tell me.
Me: Fine, but you can’t tell anyone!
Zan: Fine!
Me: I am trying to kill myself.
Zan: I just told my mom. She is trying to call your mom, but your mom isn’t answering. What is your dad’s number?
Me: I am not telling you!
Zan: Tell me it or we will drive over there!
Me: Fine!
…………..

“ We don’t need to do anything to her, but she needs to see the physychiatrist,” said the doctor.

“Okay,” mom said.

“Mommy, I want to go home,” I said, crying. By then I had been crying for at least five hours. My nose was sore, and my eyes hurt, and I was red.

“I know, honey,” said Mom.
……………

As I woke to the medics taking me to the mental hospital, I started crying again. My mom was next to me, crying her eyes out and telling me it would be okay. I didn’t believe her.
…………….

“I will come see you tomorrow. Ginny is on her way up here to see you. I love you,” Mom said, trying not to cry. She tried to be strong because I couldn’t be right then.

“Hi! I am Taylor, and this is Michael,” this random short girl said to me. She was energetic.

“Hi… I am… Jackie,” I said, crying. I didn’t want to be there.
……………

By the end of the week, I had made friends. I felt bad for all of them, but they were good people. When I got my phone back, I had thirty-five texts messages and ten missed calls.

“I made you your favorite dinner,” Mom said happily.
…………..
“HI!” I said to every person I saw on Monday. I was so happy to be back at school, and everyone seemed happy to see me. They all knew where I was the past week, but didn’t ask.
……………...
The next Sunday I saw Frankie. He heard about the hospital and he said to me, “Why did you do that? Ya know you could have died!”
“ I know,” I said. I was laughing a little bit because that was kind of the point.
“You know too many people love you, Jackie,” Frank told me.

I almost started crying because now I knew he and Ruth cared, but they didn’t care till they thought they were going to lose me. Allan still doesn’t care.
……………..
“Just call me up on Saturday. We can go bowling or something,” promised Allan.
“Okay, I will call you when we are on our way. Let me know if you need a ride,” said Dad.
……………

I knew it was too good to be true. Allan didn’t call or text. He just ditched us. I understand him wanting to ditch me, but his own father? I knew I shouldn’t have believed him. I thought he might actually follow through because of all I just went through.
……………

Allan may still not care, but I learned that we don’t know who really cares until you lose them or think we might lose them. I learned how much my siblings meant to me when they left, but they didn’t realize it until they thought I was gone. Allan doesn’t realize it and never will.

Sometimes people still ask why I did it. I tell them because I wasn’t thinking that night, and I thought no one cared. Now I know people care and that I do have a reason to be here.