We never saw it coming. It struck us like a bolt of lightning. We sobbed and we frowned; some of us even puked. Our emotions were so twisted. Some of us did not even know what to do. The halls felt emptier and the room looked as if it had burst into tears. Walking in door A was like walking into a room filled with nothing except a black hole. We were all scared. We knew he was there with us. He was holding our hands but he wasn’t holding tight enough.
Beep! Beep! I woke up and like always I checked my phone. Nicole had texted and called me numerous times. I quickly called her back to see what was wrong.
She answered, “Hello?”
“Hey, is everything okay?”
“Are you sitting down still?”
“No, why?”
“Sit down.”
I told her I was and then I asked her again what was going on. “Ryan Diaz committed suicide last night.” I was stunned. I replied to her statement with “What?” She repeated herself. A few tears slipped from my eyes as I asked her what we were supposed to do now. She said there is nothing we can do. I told her I would text her and I hung up the phone. I started to weep harder than before, and then I threw up. I called Scotty and David. They already knew and they told me it was true. I got on the bus and I made sure Robert knew; he did. It was broadcasted all over Facebook as well. I was hoping for this to be one complete lie, but it turned out to be real.

I walked into door A and all of Ryan’s friends were gathered there. When I walked in, I noticed an empty feeling. I saw Sierra and I got choked up again. Then I saw Scotty, and Kyle and the other Kyle, and everyone kept hugging me. I just lost it and let it all out. The teachers saw I was crying and they made me go to one of the conference rooms to talk. When I arrived there, only a few of Ryan’s friends were there, but as time went on anybody who knew Ryan went into that room. We were all hugging each other and grieving on each other’s shoulders. Even if there were two people in that room that did not get along before, they did now. Sadly, it was the death of a friend that brought us together.

The majority of people in the conference room went home that day. I went home with Nicole; I was too afraid to be alone. Her parents were really supportive and they understood what we were going through. I told my parents and they told me they were sorry but nothing more was said about it.

I remember thinking back to the lunches we had together over the years. I noticed that things did seem different with him but I never bothered to ask. Who knew what was going on in his head? He hid his pain from all of us; he didn’t know we were there to help. The feeling of guilt and regret overcame me. I felt like if I had asked him what was wrong maybe he could have survived another day, even another year. I never bothered to check on him no matter how many times he checked on me…

Towards the end of freshman year Sierra and I had started to talk a little bit of crap about Ryan behind his back. We also started to not like him because of the way he kept acting. He was not acting like his usual self and now I guess I know why. He obviously had something bothering him that he did not want anyone to know about. I do regret saying the things I said about him. I’m sorry Ryan. As this year started though, I realized that it was not Ryan that had changed; it was me who had changed. I started becoming careless. I never checked up on him, because I never expected him to end his life.

I would give anything if I could just go back and tell him that I am sorry. I want to ask him if he is okay. I want to call him and tell him that I love and miss him but I know I cannot. If only I could see him one last time maybe that would change how I feel about things now, or maybe it would not.

To this day the hallways feel emptier. During lunch the table is quieter. Things are really different. I did not even see him every day but I can feel a huge difference in the halls and classrooms. He made a huge impact on my life and anyone else’s life that he knew. He was a different but memorable kid, and we will all miss him greatly.