The scariest moment of my life, thus far, was the day I almost drown. This is why I don't favor the ocean much. I still vividly remember the fear panting the pit of my stomach. The water in my face, crowding my eyes and invading my nose. I remember being frozen. Unmoving. Uncapable of saving myself from the immsese pressures above me. Ten years later, I haven't stepped foot in the ocean yet i feel this pressure everyday.

My therapist asked me how I 'feel'. But thats not the correct way to paraphrase this illness. No, I don't feel. When my body and mind was paralyzed by fear ten years ago, I didn't feel fear. I became Fear. I was Fear. It consumed me. Now, I live in Sadness. Fear and Sadness. Fear and Sadness are not the same yet they are similar. You don't feel them, they consume you. However not in all cases. One must feel this emotion deep enough until it can't be felt. This may sound crazy but once you let it consume your mind, its second nature. At this point, you're no longer feeling it, you're living it.

Everyday I live in Sadness. Often days, it paralyzes me. My mind fades into oblivion. Spiraling, dark oblivion. Its a paradox. I feel numb. If I'm numb, how do i feel? Am I feeling if I'm numb? I've come to a conclusion. This feeling is purely physical, this numbness in purely mental. Yet, this paradoxical complex still exceeds me.

When I feel numb, I feel like I'm drowning. These waves, this immense pressure that won't let up, keeps me from standing. Mentally and physically, I am numbed by Sadness. This is perhaps why we harm ourselves. It is the only pain we are in control of. Because Pain and Sadness and Fear are all intertwined. It is our anchor, brings us back from that dark place of nothingness- back to a bright, blazing reality.